I believe that if somebody asks the people who know me best, they will describe me as a hardworking and goal-oriented type of person.
"If you ask people who know me, I bet they will describe me as a hardworking, goal-oriented person."
But I'd ditch the "if you ask people who know me" part... You either assume that people think a certain way about you, or you have to include a verb ("bet") that weakens your claim.
Throughout my life, I have always stayed true to myself.
Awfully cliche
I was reminded time and time again that I didn't need a job.
"Time and time again" is another inefficient and cliched use of words. Who told you this? You can make the sentence more active if you said, "My (mom) consistently reminded me that I didn't need a job."
I told my family that since dad passed away a few years back, that this job will make me a stronger person.
Explain this; it's not overtly clear how helping your family makes *you* a stronger person.
I have set numerous goals in life and will let no one get in my way of achieving them. Whether it's at school or work, I'm the type of person that will make sure that everything that was assigned to me is complete. If I don't complete everything, I feel as if I didn't accomplish a thing.
This makes you seem like you are obsessively perfectionist, and have a Self-Defeating personality disorder if you fail to accomplish every facet of your goal. I think just removing the last sentence will soften it a bit.
The conclusion... ties your qualities back to what they can do for UCF. And apparently, what they can do is
show people never to give up. See how that's a bit circumstantial? If your anecdote had been about how your persistence made *other* people persistent, this would tie in better. Or if your tie-up in the end was how your persistence and work could somehow benefit the UCF community through some public service or other. But as it stands, the quality and the relevance to UCF are disconnected.