Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


"...for his peaceful human rights demonstration(s)."

Demonstration means "a public meeting or march protesting against something or expressing views on a political issue." I've seen it in a number of contexts. But whether to use it or not is your choice.

It seems as if you overlooked several syntactic and grammatical corrections. Did you do this inadvertently? If so, please peruse the last post. Having to point out mistakes a second time irritates me a bit, especially when I'm simply doing my best to help.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Did your writing teacher also proofread for errors?

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


I read that thread today. Keep asking people for their opinions, especially adults.


You should refine what you have now, unless you want to add more experiences. It looks good so far.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Knowledge and clarity are satisfactory. My only concern is how your essay develops the theme. "Relate the theme to your experiences." Yeah, you talk about the barbecue, newspaper, and Chen. Those could be considered experiences that affected you indirectly.

But I've been helping you with this essay for the last 134 posts; you need fresh insight from another editor. Has anyone else read your essay? If so, what were his or her comments?

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

haha, no need to belittle yourself. You're not naive.

Ultimately, Clark did sign the Declaration of Independence. But I got the sense that you were trying to phrase the paragraph this way: we wouldn't have blamed him if he didn't sign it. That's fine, but--in my opinion--your meaning would have been much clearer had you went the direct route and stated what really happened. The way it was written made it sound as if he and Stockton gave up. Somewhat misleading.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


Life is all about helping others.


Although I'd refrain from cliches and idioms, you can add them. I don't recommend them because they rarely make any paper better.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


I revised several sentences. Check it again to see.


Pizzazz is good!

Scholarship / 'That kid was me' - my 250-word scholarship paper [4]


It matches well with the third option. Plus, the format of this essay depicts personality, which may be a rare trait for people in the field of astrophysics.

Does it make you stand out, though? Although I enjoy astrophysics very much from a theoretical standpoint, my area of expertise isn't astrophysics. So I can't predict the committee's reaction. However, I can suggest that you keep in mind one thing: this part of your application is an opportunity for you to tell something not seen elsewhere in your application, if there are other parts beside the essay.

Thus make every word count.

The introduction of your essay seems a bit cliche, perhaps a theme that the committee has seen a number of times. This is further exaggerated by the line, "That kid was me." It is your essay, so they already know the subject is you.

Overall, I don't think the essay delves deep enough to show them the amazing person you are in real life.

Scholarship / 'That kid was me' - my 250-word scholarship paper [4]

Although the prompt asks you to describe your academic and career goals, you don't mention one career goal until the very last sentence. More specifically, much of the essay has been about your path toward astrophysics.

It's an interesting approach to answering the prompt, but your essay doesn't address it enough.

** Please keep in mind this is an honest opinion. **

Graduate / 'roles and responsibilities of a PA' statement about my motivation to becoming a PA [4]

Perhaps you should work on the chronological order of events (i.e., paragraphs 2 through 5).

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


I know the writer you're trying to paraphrase.


That's why I always ask you to revise those particular sections. If I can identify the writing, more than likely members of the scholarship committee can too. So use your own words.

Furthermore, should you win and have your paper published, someone may accuse you of plagiarizing. As a result, your scholarship will be invalidated and you could face other consequences.

Undergraduate / UCAS essay - economic and financial problems [5]

Dumi, you raise an interesting concern. Depends on whether it's singular or plural.

Are the producers optimizing resources to maximize financial gains for each one? Or are they optimizing resources to maximize their financial gain on everything at once?

The author must make that distinction.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

In addition, focus on "the reason" in paragraph two. Paragraph six is an interesting statement: "...unknowingly laid the basis." But is that what they truly wanted for America? It demands to be analyzed a little bit in your essay. Dedicate one or two sentences.

Scholarship / (Dance Performance Major) Personal Statement for 2013 AMA Scholarship [7]


Actually, much of what I crossed out was unnecessary content. I tried to help you refocus your essay.

Remember: These are my suggestions only. The essay's construction is ultimately up to you.

Keep following your heart!

Scholarship / (Dance Performance Major) Personal Statement for 2013 AMA Scholarship [7]

I edited only the first paragraph.

• 
  Grace Juliet, Personal Statement for 2013 AMA Scholarship - Dance Performance Major
  

Undergraduate / UCAS essay - economic and financial problems [5]

Attached images with the edits.

• 
  UCAS_Essay_Arsalan_I.jpg
  
• 
  UCAS_Essay_Arsalan_P.jpg
  

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

By the way, we are not allowed to attach MS Word documents. Only images.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

You could describe it as an organization. But I'm not here to represent that company.

Great. Remember to take your time.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


I was using a browser that didn't show it. Thanks for letting me know.


We usually send two to ensure delivery. They're the same document.


I recommend spending more time on revising your drafts. Check it slowly.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

I've finished the critique and edits for this draft. I want other members to see what we're doing, though. Too bad we can't attach documents here.

Copied and pasted my comments to help others.

Please use "track changes" to review the document I sent you.

Nice job with the essay! It's much better, at least to me.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Great. I'll wait for your draft then.

Take your time.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

That's a productive use of your time!

I have an idea to make this process much easier for both of us. Well, to be honest, it'll make things easier for me.

If you give me your e-mail address, from now on I'll e-mail you the critiques in MS Word. (It has a helpful "track changes" function.)

Post your drafts here, and then I'll e-mail you the edits. We'll still have our discussions in the forum, though.

Let me know what you think.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the deadline is in November. No rush, right?

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

In the areas you changed, you used the incorrect tense. Just a heads up.

I mentioned this before, but it's worth mentioning again. You could combine bits and pieces of your previous drafts to create a compelling essay.

By the way, did you craft an outline before writing this draft?

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


Based on images found in history textbooks, many young Americans mistakenly view our founding fathers as outlandish men who wore powdered wigs. To me, however, they symbolize much more. These deep, spiritual thinkers struggled to build the very foundations of America and instill the principles of freedom and liberty in its citizens. As a result of their actions, they affected not only Americans, but also millions, if not billions of people worldwide. Our founding fathers epitomize the greatest beacon of hope humanity has ever known, and may ever know.

[What do you think about this revised version of your original paragraph?]

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


That seems to be the majority opinion. Democratic representatives, however, are merely celebrating. Most of them have chosen to disregard your argument. Perhaps they're protecting the president's reputation in this year's election cycle? One democratic representative, Rep. Chaka Fattah, argued that the penalty for not buying health insurance is the same as paying for a speeding ticket. I disagree: a speeding ticket doesn't tax people for not purchasing a product, the ACA does.


That concern may manifest in 2016. The idea behind this legislation is that involving everyone will lower the cost of health care, including insurance premiums; thereby alleviating the burden of having to pay for the uninsured. Supposedly, for this to work, Congress must compel the participation of people with pre-existing conditions as well as people without PEC. The abundance of healthier people participating in the exchange program will offset the increased costs of health care that people with pre-existing conditions would normally experience.

If your parents want to analyze the application of a similar bill, Governor Romney enacted one in his own state. Now was it effective at lowering premiums? Not really, but it did slow down rising costs of health care marginally. But implementing a similar plan at the national level may be a different story.


Your meaning wasn't clear in that context. Wigged can be a verb as well. Nevertheless, it's inconsequential information that doesn't help your paper.


[I commend you for working so hard on your essay. But with all the drafts you've written so far, you can combine bits and pieces to craft an effective essay. Would you be willing to try that?]

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

The individual mandate was deemed unconstitutional under the Commerce Clause; however, it's constitutionality permissible under the tax provisions. So, from what I understand, Americans will be taxed for not having health insurance. I sat there wondering, "Wait, how can Congress tax Americans for not buying something, especially if it's something Congress wants them to buy?"

Admittedly, Congress has the power to regulate commerce and incentivize people to behave a certain way, but it's wrong for them to coerce individuals through taxation (in my opinion). Plus, there's also the issue of its passage into law. In 2010, our representatives were under the impression that it wasn't a tax bill, so it "skipped" senatorial oversight.

*cue suspense music*

And although Congress can impose taxes to raise revenue, the bigger question remains: is it okay to tax (i.e., "penalize") people who don't want health insurance?

In addition, what is the role of government in our lives?

Can't wait to see how this issue plays out. Personally, the ACA doesn't affect me because I have health insurance. I enjoy hearing the debates, though. In my opinion, I think there's a better approach to health care reform.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


I'm not writing any essays now, but I'll keep your thoughts in mind. Thank you for the offer! I was at the Supreme Court earlier today to hear the ruling on President Obama's ACA

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Kyle, I've been busy this week. I have time now to proofread your recent draft; I'll post it later this evening.

Essays / International relations and liberalism and realism [7]

Well, does anything in particular from those texts catch your interest?

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

There are a number of questionable grammatical and syntactical choices, but I'll go ahead and provide an assessment. ** Please keep in mind that I'm not the one who awards the prizes, so don't put too much faith in my scores. **

Here's a revised score for this essay:

Knowledge of the theme is worth 30 points: You must show a thorough knowledge of the theme in your work. Demonstrate you have researched the issue extensively.

20

Theme development is worth 35 points: Answer all relevant facts about the theme such as the who, what, where, when and why. Relate the theme to your own experiences.

25

Clarity of ideas is worth 35 points: Write your essay in an easy-to-understand format. Leave your reader with a clear understanding of your explanation of the theme.

22

Total Points: 67

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Whenever you post drafts, please space it out to make critiquing easier. Also, please review every critique closely (ensure that they are transferred onto future drafts). Work out the suggestions methodically and, then, try to implement new revisions. Writers accomplish more by thoroughly editing their drafts than by re-submitting the same draft with only minor changes. Doing the latter is a tedious process.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

... I already provided a critique for that one. But it's no problem.

Carlos, I'll provide another critique after lunch. In the meantime, maybe you can use this critique to improve upon the most recent draft.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

You took a lot of good things out, which consequently changed the essay's flow and style. Try to make changes on the last draft. It was good.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Drafts are nothing to be ashamed of. Although that was an assessment of your original essay, please don't be overly critical. We're still working on your drafts, so It'll only improve with time! Remember to craft your essay according to the guidelines.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

There are good qualities in both essays. That doesn't mean it's impossible to combine them into one unified essay. Can't wait to read your next one!

Not sure. They haven't responded yet. We'll see soon!

EDIT:

You wanted me to use the guidelines to quantify your essay, right? I misunderstood.

If I had to judge your essay, my scores would be the following:

Knowledge of the theme is worth 30 points : You must show a thorough knowledge of the theme in your work. Demonstrate you have researched the issue extensively.

10

Theme development is worth 35 points : Answer all relevant facts about the theme such as the who, what, where, when and why. Relate the theme to your own experiences.

15

Clarity of ideas is worth 35 points : Write your essay in an easy-to-understand format. Leave your reader with a clear understanding of your explanation of the theme.

15

Total Poitns: 40

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


You shouldn't depend solely on my opinions of your paper, and it's unnecessary to quantify the awesomeness of your essay.


It's true that the Statue of Liberty symbolizes freedom and prosperity, but you didn't note its connection to the founding fathers. How did the founding fathers enter your mind as you gazed at the Statue of Liberty? Point is, what is the connective relationship between the two? The reader may not pick up on what was intentionally implied by the writer.


Essay titled #1 did an adequate job of doing this.


Whether you decide to use rhetorical questions or stylistically repetitive statements, everything should at least be consistent throughout the essay. I like your voice in this essay.


Essay #1 is much better. It has dates, places, and names that the previous essay lacked. In a way, adding such fine details strengthens your essay. Two of the guidelines are "Knowledge of Theme' and "Clarity of Ideas," and providing such information conveys both insight and research. (Your ideas can be more easily understood.)

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

I was on jury duty with limited access to the internet. *frown* Just got home. I'll give you a proper reply soon!

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


You're a good writer for someone your age! I don't work on the committee that selects the winners, so I can't say. But your essay needs further refinement. Ask your parents and teachers to read your drafts too. They can provide you with additional comments that'll steer you in the right direction quickly. As I always say, it's best to have as many people as possible critique one's essay.


Write what's relevant to the theme of your paper. I'll give you an example of what I mean.

Before this excerpt,


you wrote this statement:


How do these two statements support each other? What's the connection between the founders and the Statue of Liberty? How does it strengthen the bonds of human rights, equality, and freedom in America? There's ambiguity here. It's important that your ideas connect to one another logically and concisely while developing the overall theme. Review your last two drafts with such questions in mind.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


Ask yourself this question: Am I writing from my heart or writing what I think they want to hear? If it's the latter, then your essay may sound disingenuous.

Furthermore, did you review their judging criteria? As you write your essay, try to follow these guidelines:


Suggestions for this and other drafts:

1) Talk more about the founding fathers than on individuals who were affected by them. On the other hand, you want to thank them for their historic contributions and profound effects on individuals in the 20th century. Whatever you ultimately decide, keep your essay concise and focused.

2) Be specific. Consider adding concrete details such as events, discussions, and debates.

3) Maintain the rhetorical effect of asking questions or making statements between paragraphs.

4) If you want to change your essay, you could think of other ways of communicating with the founders. (Your current essay speaks to them through spirit.)

5) Writing tip: First write down all the things that you want to tell the founding fathers and, then, create an outline supporting those statements. This will help you structure your essay. By the way, the winning essay has an average of 14 words per paragraph. Space is limited, so make sure every word counts.