Undergraduate / Duke Supplement: Why Duke? [3]

Hi there!

I actually love this essay! Paragraph 1 feels honest and authentic (esp. the 'I play golf!' parenthetical), and the concept of progress/striving/forward-thinking at Duke is really thoughtful. It shows you have thought about 'why Duke.'

My biggest problem with the essay is that Par. 2 feels rather stilted:

"The institution, as represented by the students and professors, with whom I spoke, constantly seeks progress and challenges prior thinking, thus fulfilling the ideal of a university to which I aspire to contribute. I have not experienced quite that continual striving for growth in my other college visits and research. I also observed a hidden or non-obvious aspect to the university. Despite its prestige, Duke seems to project a humility that is welcoming and refreshing, one that I could not find in other top universities. With these recent discoveries, I know now why the blue and white loudly and proudly fill Cameron every game."

This syntax here is convoluted and choppy--almost as if you are trying to write with an entirely different voice. Can you preserve your 'voice' from Paragraph 1? Keep the sentence structure more direct and simple.

In terms of content, this paragraph also needs more depth. What do you mean by 'humility?' Can you be more concrete here? What do you mean by striving for growth??? How is this evidenced in the student body, in academic fields that interest you, in research, in student organizations, etc? Building on Angie127's advice, this will also help to show why Duke is right for YOU.

My biggest problem with the content here is that it sounds rather speculative, and needs to be tethered to some concrete examples.

I think you've done awesome work here, just make paragraph 2 more specific.

Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / Singapore food - Your roommate to be - Stanford Roomate Essay [7]

Hi Zhang Yi!

Great work on this essay! There is something that is so refreshingly effortless and authentic about your writing, e.g. "Well, I'm a pretty normal guy, no major bad habits except sleeping in really late on Sunday mornings."

Overall, I think you have laid the groundwork for a really compelling piece. However, while there is no formal word limitation, I think it should be longer--about 700 words or 1 page. You will need this amount of space to fully address the prompt, demonstrate your writing skills, and provide more insight into who you are.

I think you have a great skeletal structure here, but I just want to know more about you! For example:

-"Coming from multi-racial Singapore, I have friends from all kinds of races, religion and sexual orientations, so I'm sure we'll get along just fine. I'm not religious myself, so I don't have any taboo topics or food, and you don't have to worry about offending me!" Can you share more about what Singapore is really like? What are some stark differences between Singapore and the U.S.? Can you give insight into your circle of friends rather than vaguely referring to them?

-'I'm a rather talkative person, and I enjoy debating ideas and concepts learnt in school because it exposes me to refreshing viewpoints and I seem to remember ideas better after thrashing them out with others.' What are your real intellectual curiosities? Can you be more specific? Are you known as a talkative person at school and at home?

-"Food and lodging are usually the biggest worries that a freshman has. Well you are in luck, for I cook pretty well. Both my parents worked so I used to cook my own lunch. Over the years I have built up quite a repertoire of local delicacies and given Singapore's status as a food haven, I am sure you will enjoy my cooking!" Again, more detail here would be great. What do you cook? Why do you like to cook?

Ultimately, I think you just need to expand on these ideas and give your essay more specificity and color. Doing so will paint a more vivid portrait of you and give your application more of a human face. The questions above may seem trivial, but this essay is really just meant to show your writing ability, personality, and what you will contribute.

Keep up the good work!!!

Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / My dad has always had this personal history of how he escaped from communist Bulgaria [4]

In the interest of 'keeping it crisp,' I think you might want to literally start with your father's story. As a quote, if you like!

Let the details unravel in his perspective, in his words, and create a sense of mystery that keeps your reader engaged. Currently, your essay positions you and the reader as a passive participant--and I think that if you actually put the reader at the dinner table, you'll get their attention.

Because your father's story is so unique, it will be difficult to place where he is from, but, this is part of the fun! As your essay moves forward, you can clarify context and details.

On a mechanical level, I would suggest that you try to keep the prose a little more formal throughout your essay. "Have the balls to accomplish something" is a little much for an academic institution application (though colorful, I must admit), and I would limit contractions and elevate word choice (find synonyms for 'good' and 'get.')

Nice work--you're on the right track!!!

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: "Why I Shouldn't Go To College" [10]

Hi there,

I liked your essay and thanks for sharing it! I do have some thoughts for you.

At the heart of an admissions essay, AdCom members want to see a student who has a certain level of 'openness,' earnestness, and general willingness to 'hit the ground running.' The premise of this essay is almost inherently more 'closed.' You haven't been to college, but you know it all. I don't get the vivacity or humor of a 17 year old here.

Additionally, the reader knows where you are going from the start of this essay to the finish--there isn't a significant narrative or sense of mystery (he's debunking the college process but he'll have to somehow praise it in the end). It doesn't allow you to really flex your creative muscle, or share what is so fresh and exciting about a high school senior's perspective.

If you'd like to stick with this topic, I might suggest that you mix it up a bit. Take a different angle. Show the flipside, but make it more interesting--perhaps unusual college experiences or events that no one could possibly anticipate. Show potential for not just intellectual, but creative or personal growth. At this point, I understand where you are going with what college is generally thought to be, but I don't fully believe that you are convinced of its transformative power. This may sound a bit hokey, but, at the end of the day, AdComs are definitely in search of students that are intellectually/experientially open, likeable, and curious.

You tackle a challenging topic here--it breaks the fourth wall, and necessitates that you subtly show your fit/compatibility. Other applicants that choose a topic from left field may actually have a much easier time. I think with some modifications you can take this to the next level, but, I encourage you to keep developing.

Hope this helps!!!!

All the best,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing