Undergraduate / 'all the hard work made will be worth it' - UPenn's Writing Supplement [6]

I'm not the strongest writer so I was wondering if you guys could give me some criticism for UPenn's writing supplement.

How will you explore your intellectual and academic interests at the University of Pennsylvania? Please answer this question given the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying. (400-650 words) *For students applying to the coordinated dual-degree programs, please answer this question in regards to your single-degree school choice. Interest in coordinated dual-degree programs will be addressed through those program-specific essays.

If someone had told me my freshman year that I would be applying to Penn, an Ivy League, I wouldn't have believed them. I idolized the student that got into Ivy Leagues and they truly did seem like they were in a different league than me. However, going through high school made me realize my true potential and I pushed myself each and every year to become the person I am today; I realized that maybe I've become the student I once idolized in the beginning. Just the act of writing this essay and applying has proven that I've accomplished more than I ever thought I could.

The start of my high school career was also the start of my interest and pursuing of the sciences, which has always been my main focus. However, I've learned to love social sciences through exploring and taking classes I never thought I would enjoy (ex: psychology, economics, European history) and because of this, I have an interest in minoring in economics, something I never saw in myself until recently. By enrolling in the College of Arts & Sciences at Penn, I'll pursue the combination of these two interests that best fits me with the help of Penn's flexible curriculum and its liberal arts education. Penn's flexible curriculum allows me to broaden my course load, enabling me to focus on both chemistry and economics. If I find that either of these are unfit for me, I'm able to sample other disciplines, finding what best works with me. Not only that, but because of the interdisciplinary teaching that is used among these committed and reputable professors, the jump from discipline to discipline not only makes it easier to integrate, but also easy to understand. The College will allow me to broaden my education and perspective without cutting short the depth of my education within each discipline. An interdisciplinary education offers a richer understanding of the material at hand, which benefits my education and future careers. I know success will be inevitable as a Quaker.

One of the reasons why I want to study at Penn is because I want to challenge myself to become the best student I can be. By studying at Penn, one of the most prestigious schools in the nation, I will be continuing and pursuing a path to success that would be altered and different if I pursued a school with a less notable legacy. I already know I'm going to attend a school in Pennsylvania and I've already applied to safety schools around the area, but the quality of education, the type of connections, and the access to resources of these schools don't compare to Penn's. When I visited the campus, the energy I sensed was unlike any other university. The urban environment gives a sense of excitement, something I love about Philadelphia and I know there's something special about studying Penn and I hope to find out in person. Not only is the location ideal, the student body's diversity and open-mindedness will make it easy to socialize. As a child of both Buddhism and Catholicism, the tolerance and acceptance of people of different religions, races, and, socioeconomic classes is important. By attending Penn, I know I will be surrounded by others that share a similar perspective.

The path to get to this point has been difficult and demanding, and I know attending Penn will be more of a challenge, but more opportunities will be available because of this and all the hard work will be made worth it. By the end of my undergraduate education at Penn, I know I will be an unrecognizable person because I will have evolved to push my limits and become better than I ever thought I could.

(Word count: 623)

Thank you so much for your time and don't hold anything back! The harsher, the better.

Undergraduate / Kilachand Honors College Essay on the Power [4]

The Kilachand Honors College takes on big questions in the arts, sciences, and professions that go beyond the classroom. Write an essay of 600 words or less in response to one of the following issues:

1. Which corrupts more, power or powerlessness?
In Africa, illegal poaching is destroying one of the world's most beautiful wildlife. In fact, the black rhino population has gone down 97.6% since 1960. The people who poach these animals must be rich and evil in order to decimate this population. This is actually not the case. The majority of the people who poach Africa's wildlife are poor substantial farmers and these people truly do appreciate and recognize the beauty of these magnificent animals. Then why do they do it? Because they are the Powerless. They have no money, no food, no power, and would do absolutely anything for just a little bit of money. This is how the Power get the Powerless to do their dirty work; because the Powerless are so poor, they're willing to destroy the wildlife they love at any cost.

When I think of this question, I think about this scenario. The Power and the Powerless are both corrupt in certain aspects. As stated above, the Powerless continuously kill beast of all kinds like elephants, gorillas, lions, and rhinos, pushing these animals to the brink of extinction. Their actions show corruption. But the Power are the reason why these people have to go against their own beliefs. Because the most important thing to these people is their family and that is above their dedication of preserving nature. Desperate for money, they're willing to do anything for just a tiny amount and the Power know this. They make the Powerless poach and collect ivory, horns, and pelts; then the Power sell them at a much higher price than what they paid the Powerless, gaining a massive profit.

Both show corruption, but the Power's nature is so much worse and more dangerous than the Powerless. The Powerless are motivated by survival; They do whatever it takes to provide for their family. It's all about ethics. Would you steal a loaf of bread to feed your family? The same question applies to these people but their version is: Would you kill a rhino to feed your family? Their corruption is not because they are greedy or evil, but because they need to survive. The Power are motivated by greed. They are cheating the system and finding the quickest way to make money and that's by taking advantage of the Powerless and destroying nature itself. They don't do this because they're starving and need to survive. They do this because they're selfish and love money. Material wealth is so important to them, they don't care about the people they pay, the animals they kill, and the ecosystems they affect.

Which corrupts more, power or powerlessness? Both corrupt, but how the Power corrupt is unethical and motivated by pure evilness, something the Powerless cannot stand up to.

(Word count: 458)

Do you guys have any criticisms or corrections I need to make for my essay? The harsher, the better. All help would be appreciated!