Undergraduate / "Thud!" My last throw. COMMON APP Personal Statement [3]

I feel like the 2nd paragraph needs more introduction. I had to reread the 1st/2nd paragraph to realize that the 1st paragraph was in "present time" and the 2nd paragraph started the backstory of how you ended up in a bowling alley in the first place.

Similarly, the last paragraph could use an opening sentence that brings the reader back to the "present time" aka the bowling game. I think it might also make more sense to introduce that you're playing in the playoffs in the first paragraph, and not the last. I think the reader would understand why you are feeling so anxious about bowling in this specific game, and why it's so important to you.

Hope that is helpful!

Undergraduate / Uniting people to gather their opinion about biochemistry [3]

What I'm gathering from your essay is that you want to go to this school to major in biochemistry as a pre-med track to becoming a Medical Doctor.

I wouldn't mention the landscape, or the buildings, or what the campus looks like. You're interested in the biochemistry department - are there faculty members that you want to work with? Did they publish research that is in-line with your interests in the medical field? Does the University of Pennsylvania have top-notch affiliations with hospitals? Special lab equipment? What is it about THIS SCHOOL that will provide you with experiences that will help you in your future career?

Similarly, intellectually you seem interested in collaboration and discussion with other students. Awesome! Mention the class formats that they advertise, if that is what drew you to the school. I like your mention of diversity and culture. What can you also bring to the table in that regard? Do you have an interesting upbringing/schooling/viewpoint to bring to other students?

Hope that helps guide your writing somewhat!