ELL
Aug 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / "We found no sign of my mother" - I thought what happened at the night was my allusion [10]
I just started writing my first paragraph of college essay.
Can someone help me to change word choices, find grammatical errors, etc.
There is what I have written:
When a person I loved so much suddenly can no longer recognize me clearly, my life darkened. My mother is a traditional house wife and a down to earth woman. She has always been loving and caring for me and my father. In my mother's mind, my father and I are in the center of her universe. Perhaps, because of the intensive love my mother has for me and my father, she has lost herself. One night when my father and I found my mother was missing, we searched anxiously for her on every corner of the neighborhood and asked everyone on the street. That night, everything in my life had changed for ever. My mother was found, but she stopped talking and eating. At age fifteen, I thought that night was an illusion of mine and everything would be back to normal again sometime. However, life is always filled unpredictabilities and no one can anticipate anything.
Frightened by my mother's bizarre behaviors, my father and I brought my mother to the emergency room. After hours of examination, the doctor hospitalized my mother in the mental health department for three days. Then, the petrified moment of my life had just began. My mother stopped looking and talking to me. She looked at me as stranger sometimes and distanced herself from me. At nights I would hold my mother's hand and watch TV with her, in hope of receive some recognition from my mother. Yet, she did not identify me. I teared in my bed every night thinking about how unfair the world is to me. My feelings toward my mother became ambivalent. On one hand, embarrassed of having a mentally ill mother, I distanced myself from my teachers, classmates, and friends. On the other hand, terrified of loosing my mother, I had the desire of seeing my mother at every moment.
That year, my family bought high deductible health insurance. The amount of bills sent to our house had already piled up like a mini mountain on the cafe table. I noticed stress had replaced smoothness on my father's face. Growing up as the only child in the house, doing house chores was never in my agenda. Nevertheless, my heart was broken when my father's hair had turned from dark black to light gray over days. Almost immediately, I adopted my new role of being a daughter. Cleaning dishes, washing dirty clothes, cooking food, and taking out garbages had became my new jobs. Although at first I did not know how to function washing machine or dish washer, as time past by, I had became an expert on operating them.
As time past by, heavy loads of responsibilities had made me unbreathable. However, the obstacle I faced had shaped me to become an accountable adult at an early age. Taking care a mother who suffers severe depression is a immense responsibility of mine. Even though she is recovering well under ECT treatment, I am still watching constantly after her. Using my experience of taking care of my mother, I often treat the patients in the hospital where I volunteer at as I would treat my mother, entertain them with stories and jokes. I now see obstacles are not barriers but they are lessons for people.
I just started writing my first paragraph of college essay.
Can someone help me to change word choices, find grammatical errors, etc.
There is what I have written:
When a person I loved so much suddenly can no longer recognize me clearly, my life darkened. My mother is a traditional house wife and a down to earth woman. She has always been loving and caring for me and my father. In my mother's mind, my father and I are in the center of her universe. Perhaps, because of the intensive love my mother has for me and my father, she has lost herself. One night when my father and I found my mother was missing, we searched anxiously for her on every corner of the neighborhood and asked everyone on the street. That night, everything in my life had changed for ever. My mother was found, but she stopped talking and eating. At age fifteen, I thought that night was an illusion of mine and everything would be back to normal again sometime. However, life is always filled unpredictabilities and no one can anticipate anything.
Frightened by my mother's bizarre behaviors, my father and I brought my mother to the emergency room. After hours of examination, the doctor hospitalized my mother in the mental health department for three days. Then, the petrified moment of my life had just began. My mother stopped looking and talking to me. She looked at me as stranger sometimes and distanced herself from me. At nights I would hold my mother's hand and watch TV with her, in hope of receive some recognition from my mother. Yet, she did not identify me. I teared in my bed every night thinking about how unfair the world is to me. My feelings toward my mother became ambivalent. On one hand, embarrassed of having a mentally ill mother, I distanced myself from my teachers, classmates, and friends. On the other hand, terrified of loosing my mother, I had the desire of seeing my mother at every moment.
That year, my family bought high deductible health insurance. The amount of bills sent to our house had already piled up like a mini mountain on the cafe table. I noticed stress had replaced smoothness on my father's face. Growing up as the only child in the house, doing house chores was never in my agenda. Nevertheless, my heart was broken when my father's hair had turned from dark black to light gray over days. Almost immediately, I adopted my new role of being a daughter. Cleaning dishes, washing dirty clothes, cooking food, and taking out garbages had became my new jobs. Although at first I did not know how to function washing machine or dish washer, as time past by, I had became an expert on operating them.
As time past by, heavy loads of responsibilities had made me unbreathable. However, the obstacle I faced had shaped me to become an accountable adult at an early age. Taking care a mother who suffers severe depression is a immense responsibility of mine. Even though she is recovering well under ECT treatment, I am still watching constantly after her. Using my experience of taking care of my mother, I often treat the patients in the hospital where I volunteer at as I would treat my mother, entertain them with stories and jokes. I now see obstacles are not barriers but they are lessons for people.