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"the role of a surgeon" - A Rather Rough Essay


Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 28, 2009   #1
What led you to choose the area of interest you listed in the app for Mich...

I aspire to wield the surgical knife, don the long white coat, and work the grueling hours one day. However, it was not always this way.

At first, I had detested the role of a surgeon. Due to my longing to become an individual, the medical field that my mother had often praised and practiced was discarded by me. I instead sought to argue in a court of law, to travel to obscure countries, and to educate students. Cutting open strangely deranged people was not the profession of my choice. The benefits of medicine were ambiguous. I had witnessed my mother struggle to achieve a degree in the subject only to see her irregular working hours and exhausted appearance when she gets home.

Out of curiosity, I agreed to a volunteer position at the University of Michigan hospital as a piano player. Every week I would exhibit a selection of pieces that would sooth the listeners. I soon took it on as my responsibility to make my audience feel refreshed and restored by my music. I wanted to cure them of their diseases and ailments. After these sessions I would walk around the hospital, exploring the large buildings and examining the doctors who walked by. I saw each member of the hospital actively using their areas of expertise to take care of numerous patients everyday. I realized that I could do so much more through practicing medicine.

Music can relieve stress and supply courage. However, music cannot treat cancer, and it cannot transplant organs, medicine can though. This is why I choose to study Cell and Molecular Biology and Biomedical Engineering. I believe that this field of study will advance me into the medical world, and will realize my goal of becoming a surgeon.

Boxin Zhou

Do I have to justify my specific choice to become a surgeon also?
Advice would be appreciated. I also want to try to turn this essay into something that answers how my environment has shaped my future plans.
MieMie09 4 / 30  
Aug 28, 2009   #2
I aspire to wield the surgical knife, don the long white coat, and work the grueling hours one day.Something seems unappealing about this, especially as an opening sentence. However, it was not always this way.

At first, I had detested the role of a surgeon. Due to my longing to become an individualWhat is that supposed to mean?, the medical field that my mother had often praised and practiced was discarded by me. I instead sought to argue in a court of law, to travel to obscure countries, and to educate students. Cutting open strangelyderangedDeranged means crazy. What makes a person who needs surgery crazy? people was not the profession of my choice. The benefits of medicine were ambiguous Ambiguous means questionable or uncertain. Is that what you mean to express?. I had witnessed my mother struggle to achieve a degree in the subject only to seeobserveherthat she worked irregular working hours and exhausted appearanceappeared exhausted when she getsarrived home.

Out of curiosity, I agreeddecided to take a volunteer position at the University of Michigan hospital as a piano player. Every week I would exhibit a selection of pieces that would sooth the listeners. I soon took it on asmade it my responsibility to make my audience feel refreshed and restored by my music. I wanted to cure them of their diseases and ailments.I Love the idea here. It's interesting that you saw your ability to soothe them with your music and it made you want to do more. After these sessions I would walk around the hospital, exploring the large buildings and examining the doctors who walked by. I saw each member of the hospital actively using their areas of expertise to take care of numerous patients everyday. I realized that I could do so much more through practicing medicine.

Music can relieve stress and supplyenable courage. However, music cannot treat cancer, and it cannotor transplant organs, medicine can though. This is why I choose to study Cell and Molecular Biology and Biomedical Engineering. I believe that this field of study will advance mehelp me advance on my journey into the medical world, and will realize my goal of becoming a surgeon.

And to answer your question, I think you should add a few sentences about why you specifically chose to be a surgeon.I hope this helps!!!
OP Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 28, 2009   #3
The benefits of medicine were ambiguous Ambiguous means questionable or uncertain. Is that what you mean to express?

Yep

deranged Deranged means crazy. What makes a person who needs surgery crazy?

I forgot to change that...haha.

Awesome, thanks.
MieMie09 4 / 30  
Aug 28, 2009   #4
the medical field that my mother had often praised and practiced in was discarded by me.

A few more adjustments... lol ; )
OP Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 28, 2009   #5
I want to be in the thick of it all. Becoming a surgeon will provide the specific physical and mental challenges that I long for. It will make me a stronger person overall.

Is this a good enough reason or do you think that I should be more specific? I'm thinking about adding this to the intro paragraph instead of somewhere in the middle.
MieMie09 4 / 30  
Aug 28, 2009   #6
I want to be in the thick of it all . (Sounds like a line in a Broadway musical). Becoming a surgeon will provide the specific physical and mental challenges that I long for The Question what are you longing for comes up) It will make me a stronger person overall (How?) .

Try not to leave anything unanswered.
OP Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 28, 2009   #7
Usually...taking challenges...makes a person stronger. Of course I'm not going to word it this way lol.

Edit: It is a little broad. I'll fix that. Thanks!
MieMie09 4 / 30  
Aug 28, 2009   #8
Oh ok I didn't notice the connection between the last two sentences. My bad.
ionutalbu25 3 / 10  
Aug 29, 2009   #9
Cutting open strangely deranged people was not the profession of my choice.
As a surgeon not everyone you cut open is deranged. What if someone needs gallbladder surgery or open heart surgery in spite of medical illness?
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 29, 2009   #10
You mean "dubious" where you are using "ambiguous."
ELL 1 / 10  
Aug 29, 2009   #11
You should revise your last sentence, I feel it is connected to rest of your essay.
OP Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 29, 2009   #12
Cutting open

strangely deranged people was not the profession of my choice.
As a surgeon not everyone you cut open is deranged. What if someone needs gallbladder surgery or open heart surgery in spite of medical illness?

Yep I know that. Thanks.

Thanks everyone.
kmauer21 2 / 6  
Aug 30, 2009   #13
This is why I choose to study Cell and Molecular Biology and Biomedical Engineering.

Try to not use to be verbs, you can reword it like "This led to my choice of studying "
eternal flame 6 / 18  
Aug 30, 2009   #14
"obscure country" really sounds obscure. I think "exotic" or "foreign" may be less alien.
OP Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 30, 2009   #15
True. I really need to work on this grammar thing...

Thanks guys and gals.


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