Writing Feedback / The Tabard Towers Theme Park - IELTS Writing Task 1 Sample [6]

Hello everyone, can someone please help me mastered IELTS Writing Task 1 by commenting on my essay below?
I really appreciate your help. Thank you very much! :)

Popularity of a theme park

(1st Paragraph)
The graph illustrates the number of visitors (in thousands) visited the Tabard Towers Theme Park throughout the whole year which is counted per months. Overall, this park has an interesting variation which includes an erratic fluctuation in the middle year and gradual pattern in several first and last months.

(2nd Paragraph)
The Tabard Towers Theme Park has a gradual increase of visitors since the beginning of the year until May from 30000 to 70000 visitors. Later, the visitors number went up and down wildly with an upward trend towards the end of the year. In June, it has more than 50% sharp drop to 20000 visitors before shooting up to hit 120000 mark in the next month, almost doubled the visitors two months ago. The park's visitor fell back to slightly under 80000 in August and bounce back to almost 140000 visitors in September. After that, it plummeted down periodically to 80000 visitors in December where it reaches over 250% visitors since January.

(161 words)

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  This is the graph that i need to describe.
  

Writing Feedback / People are leaveing their home countries to seek a better life [3]

Hello everyone, can someone please help me mastered IELTS Writing Task 2 by commenting on my essay below?
I really appreciate your help. Thank you very much! :)

The question:
More and more qualified people are moving from poor to rich countries to fill vacancies in specialist areas like engineering, computing, and medicine. Some people believe that by encouraging the movement of such people rich countries are stealing from poor countries. Others feel that this is only part of the natural movement of workers around the world.

> What is you opinion?
> Do you think rich countries should pay poorer countries for the people they encourage to come?
> What other measures could rich countries take to encourage qualified people to stay and help develop their own countries?

Big migrations to richer countries

My essay:
(1st paragraph)
It has been widely acceptable for people to leave their home countries to seek better living, especially from poor to rich countries. At first, this might be a great development as they will come back to their countries and help rebuild the establishments. But they didn't come back and prefer to stay there, and later this is becoming everybody's problems. In my opinion, to encourage people to come back and help develop their country is not only poor country's job, but also everybody's job, including rich countries.

(2nd paragraph)
Lacks of qualified people from poor countries could resulting in the shortage of establishments and later end up in economical downgrade. This might lead to the downfall of the countries and they will need support from every inch of the world. If this happens, money can only help a little because although they have all the resources, it will be nothing if the professionals are all gone. In such condition, there should be any help not only from their own qualified people, but also from the scholar's host rich countries.

(3rd paragraph)
Rich countries, on the other hand, have more power than they realize to build a country from ashes. In terms of helping poor countries, these countries could help making a policy related to the development of these regions. For example, there could be an economic treaty where several qualified people will be trained and work in one of rich countries and later come back to develop the establishment in their home countries. Gradually, there should be many more people who will contribute to their poor nation and make them rise.

(4th paragraph)
To conclude, several ways could be taken into account when we commit to help poor countries rise. Despite giving aids for them, one of the efforts is getting support from rich countries through trainings and workshops conducted in there for the scholars of the poor nations. Remember, young people is the greatest assets for the nations, therefore, we should treasure them.

(328 words)