Writing Feedback / Combination of different methods. How to reduce crime - IELTS Writing task 2 [5]

Hallo,

my name is khoti. I will give you feedback:

1. It is commonly believed by some that (...) while some people suppose except that, (repetition, better you find other words)

2. there are more appropriate ways to do the above aim. (what is the aim? it is more like a statement)

3. prion sentence is a convenient and easy punishment that..... (it should be parallel)

4. it also give some disadvantages. (it should be added 's'= simple present tense)

5.the staff are jobless. (you should consider when using an article, and be careful for singular and plural form)

6. ....and prisoning the offender, in cases like that, would be no help for the jobless.... (why do you use past tense?, but the last sentence is not past tense)

7. there are no best way to prevent crime. (you should deal with the rule of S+V agreement)

Scholarship / Chevening Essay for university choices-clear enough [6]

Hallo,

My name is Khoti, I will give you feedback:

1. Urban development at my country has increase during the last years... (has been increasing/has increased)

2. You really need to consider the use of connector in order to make coherence among sentences. For example:

Urban development at my country has increased during the last years, in which I have been a part of that.

3. we are a growing population that demands urban development ... (why do you use pronoun "we"? it has no coherence with the last sentence, and it is also inappropriate word to describe what you really mean.)

4. ... and environmental aspects of such a development are often (...) to the environmental deterioration that we are experimenting: deforestation and water related ... (you really need to review vocabularies that you chose, check grammar and add some conjunction or connector)

5. I'm aware that the better we know the behaviour of natural factors as soil and water, the better we can design understand and furthermore previse ... (it should be parallel... do not make connector that is not related to the statement)

6. Please try to make sentence more concise and understandable. if you make like that way, the reviewer will also consider your essay to be eligible