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Posts by jbow808
Joined: Sep 9, 2009
Last Post: Sep 28, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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jbow808   
Sep 9, 2009
Undergraduate / The Brink of Insanity on a Submarine (University of Washington Transfer Essay) [5]

Any comments and suggestion are appreciated.

Living onboard a submarine can drive a man insane. That is exactly what my wife thought when I unexpectedly announced I was done with the Navy. She thought my decision was rather impetuous, since I had no real plans for life after the Navy. I told her things have a way of falling into place for me. She called it a leap of faith; I saw it as a calculated move to get ahead in life. After 13 years I was done with the extended deployments and time away from home. Burnt out physically and emotionally I was ready to move on to other endeavors. The months leading to my decision where extremely difficult times for my family; my stepfather had a major stoke and my father, whom I had just reestablished a relationship with after 15 years, died. I fell into a deep funk, and began to question my calling in life. Luckily I went on a 6-month deployment, which allowed me to clear my head without the distractions of everyday life.

Life onboard a submarine is anything but routine, 18-hour days and very little sleep were a regular occurrence. Often I would lay awake in my 2' x3'x 6' coffin style bunk, reminiscing about the past and pondering my future. To alleviate my insomnia I rediscovered an old hobby, reading. I started with science fiction and horror novels and short stories, but quickly grew bored of both genres. Then, one of my shipmates introduced me to Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche.

I was hesitant to read the book at first, like most people I had some misconceptions about Nietzsche and associated his work with anarchism and the teachings of the Third Reich. I was immediately impressed with themes of the story; self-mastery to achieve his full potential, the concept of eternal return, and will to power.

I never realized how powerful a book could be and the profound effect it would have on my life. I did a lot of self-analysis and upon returning to port, immediately enrolled myself in a program offered by the military to find my educational and personnel interest and match them to a major. I wanted to maximize my full potential. After taking a battery of test the anthropology came up repeatedly.

Anthropology was not really the field I had hoped for; I was expecting along the lines of engineering or business. Disregarding my educational advisors advice I enrolled in an online degree engineering technology program shortly after my discharge from the military, I quickly realized that online education was not for me and after one course withdrew from Devry.

Last spring I took class in Biological Anthropology, getting my first taste of anthropology. Human evolution and genetic diversity has always been a fascinating subject to me. Before the course I never realized how many academic disciplines were involved in the study of anthropology, not only did I have to know anthropology, knowledge about geology, biology, and sociology proved to be invaluable. This cleared any misconceptions I had regarding anthropology just being about studying bones and fragments of broken pottery. After the course I developed a greater appreciation for anthropology, but I was still not ready to commit to it.

It was not until I sat down with Dr. Hartse, my anthropology professor, that I gained a deeper understanding of what anthropology truly is. Unlike other academic fields, anthropology does not have clear-cut rules or ideals, instead anthropologist rely on observing different cultures and people, studying their subjects for who they really are rather than how they think they should be, for that is the only way to get a full picture of what it means to be human. She also explained to me that anthropology helps bring the world into focus, helping people understand other cultures and societies and at the same time understanding how the over six billion people living on this planet interconnect in one way or another. I knew after that meeting anthropology was the field for me.

It seemed like the more I resisted anthropology the more it drew me in. Anthropology allows me to experience and explore new realities, whether by learning other languages, examining different cultures, or simply traveling the world. Through my travels, I have gained a deeper appreciation for the wonderful differences between different cultures. I have learned that it only takes one person to make a difference in the world and that I want to be that catalyst for change. In our society, tolerance is simply not enough. Instead, I want to encourage others to accept our cultural diversity and explore other realities, and I believe that the University of Washington will put me on that path.
jbow808   
Sep 10, 2009
Undergraduate / The Brink of Insanity on a Submarine (University of Washington Transfer Essay) [5]

Thanks for the input..I'll post my next revision soon.
I'm still trying to find a way to express how going to UW will help me obtain my career/ academic goals. I would eventually like to get into Epidemiology and feel that the medical anthropology program at UW would prepare me for that career path. The courses offered at UW would allow me to to gain a more holistic view and research how environment, diet, and history play a role in community and global health patterns.

I'm trying to tighten up and focus my essay, the rough rough draft was over 2800 words long and I'm so used to being detailed in my reports (Damn that Navy training)that I tend to get wordy and overly descriptive and delve into too much detail, which is a great thing when writing intelligence reports, not so great when trying to write a hard hitting personnel statement. It's just difficult to do when there were lots of circumstances leading me to chose anthropology.

Once again thanks for the comments and I'll post real soon.
jbow808   
Aug 20, 2011
Undergraduate / "a youth group called USY" - UF College [3]

Well written essay; however you need to explain what USY is. This will give the reader a sense of the groups purpose in just a few words.

Additionally I would make the following changes:

I felt like I was Regina George from mean girls, Mean Girls, ALL EYES WERE ON ME! Jaws were dropping and necks were breaking, okay maybe necks weren't breaking, and I had never felt more confident in my life before.

This (Explain This... Sorry the use of pronouns drives me wild)perhaps my experiences... will definitely affect my college experience where I'll be more open minded to meeting new people, and more accepting towards the human race.

Also I noticed much of your essay is written in the passive voice, telling the reader rather than showing how your experiences with USY will prepare you for college. Try using some of the advanced proofing options in Word to catch stylistic errors.

Good Luck!

J.B.
jbow808   
Aug 20, 2011
Undergraduate / "the game show Jeopardy" - draft of my Common App personal essay [11]

Shaunak,
I really enjoyed your essay, great and engaging read!
I would like to offer the following suggestions:
I expected the bell's ding, and sure enough, it came swiftly.
I did not take his thick Brooklyn accent into account , perhaps I did not consider his thick Brooklyn accent ...

Good Luck!

J.B.
jbow808   
Aug 20, 2011
Undergraduate / "the game show Jeopardy" - draft of my Common App personal essay [11]

Shaunak,
No worries it was just a stylistic correct.. to me it just flowed better. The essay stands on it's own and clearly demonstrates how the experience has moved you to be more attentive. As far as the title change I have no idea, maybe it's a admin thing.

Best of Luck!
J.B.
jbow808   
Sep 28, 2011
Undergraduate / NYU SCPS - Kick in the Teeth [4]

Prompt: The Admissions Committee wants to learn more about you. Please submit a typewritten statement of at least 350 words that describes
anything about you that you think we should know. When reviewing your personal statement, we hope to understand what you have learned
from your experiences and how you have arrived at this point of interest in applying to McGhee.

"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me . . . You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you." - Walt Disney

My wife wrote these words on a set of index card she sent to me to countdown my last deployment; however, I never really understood their context until now. Since my honorable discharge from the Navy in 2008, I've been working towards seeking admission to a four-year university to complete my bachelors degree in preparation for a career as veterans rights advocate.

Throughout my academic journey, I've encountered many challenges. Experiences from my time in the service scared my psyche; however, with the assistance of my care providers, I'm free from its debilitating grasp. I've witnessed the ugly face of unemployment first-hand and the difficulties of translating my military experiences to the needs of corporate America, I also realized the push to hire "heroes" only applies to those with college degrees.

Despite these difficulties, my passion to help veterans in need hasn't waned. In fact, these challenges have only solidified my desire to change how veterans reintegrate into society. I've learned to view life's "roadblocks" as challenges that provide me the opportunity to grow as an individual, as a result I've found my purpose in life. This is why I am ready to attend New York University.

The Paul McGhee Division of NYU's School of Continuing and Professional Studies is an excellent fit because of its rigorous and stimulating curricula, enabling me to acquire valuable critical and analytical skills needed to transform the way returning veterans integrate back into society. Studying with like-minded cohorts and professors will provide me with necessary intellectual insight to energize and transform veteran transition programs by finding ways to address the emotional, psychological, social and professional barriers many veterans face when transitioning back to civilian life.

In essence, earning a degree from NYU not only benefits me - it provides the cornerstone to transforms the lives of hundreds of veterans. By taking courses such as Psychology and Culture, Language and Society, and Cities and Urban Life, I hope to find ways to solve the staggering unemployment problem affecting many of our nation's veterans. My studies will not only satisfy my intellectual curiosity, they will also serve to deepen my understanding of the world - providing powerful tools to make sense of the divide between military and civilian culture. My education will ensure future veterans will not have to face hardships I faced when leaving the military.

As Disney said, a kicked in the teeth has been the best thing to happen to me. I've worked hard to overcome challenges to complete my education. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I've directed my frustration into a productive endeavor. NYU is the next step in my journey toward helping others and making my passion my profession.
jbow808   
Sep 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the core curriculum' - Columbia University G.S. NON traditional essay [4]

gstransfer
Abe,
The essay is a little lengthy. I know G.S. wants an essay in the 1500 - 2000 word range; in this case, less is more. (I considered applying to the the program, but decided that taking the SAT's was too much of a hassle, but I digress). Your writing is extremely powerful, however it tends to wander and as such the impact of how volunteering and how it influenced the formation of your non-profit gets lots in all the unimportant details.

Here are some of my suggestion:
My academic path has been far from straight and narrow. In fact, it has been rough, rocky, and downright perilous at times. However, it has brought me to the brink of a wonderful opportunity with Columbia's General Studies program, and I am eager to discover what awaits me.

The first steps along my path are sometimes painful for me to recall. I didn't think entering a new school would be difficult... (I recommend that you tighten up this paragraph, perhaps by showing how your decision to use drugs affected your family life),

I didn't go directly to college, but took a year off to get clean and putset my head back on straight. I spent that year in Israel, studying Advanced Talmudic Law and culture-a subject I truly enjoyed-and volunteering at an orphanage withfor emotionally and physically abused children. Academically, I was taking intellectually stimulating courses with the most accomplished professors in their respective fields and reigniting my passion for learning. Socially and emotionally, my growth was immeasurable. Being as a mentor for those kids changed me in an unimaginable way. I found that helping others was the best way to help myself. I probably couldn't count the number of times I cried listening to the stories of these children coming from abusive homes. Yet they began to rely on me, and I knew I had to be there for them, which made me happier than I could ever remember being. I came to the inevitable realization that my passion was really for helpingis others, and over the years since, that passion has only grown .

You have a great story. It just gets lost in all the extraneous details.
Best of Luck!
John
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