Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Electrick
Name: Ryan Baker
Joined: Apr 4, 2018
Last Post: May 6, 2018
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  
From: United States of America
School: ASU

Displayed posts: 4
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Electrick   
Apr 4, 2018
Essays / Financial Need Scholarship Essay - how to start and make it sound appealing [5]

"Should I be talking about my achievements and why I deserve it?"
If you want to highlight some of the ways you've overcome the difficulties of financial hardship (excelling academically, leading a club/organization, etc) you can do towards the end the essay. But definitely your main focus should be on what the prompt states: explaining in detail ... based SOLELY off of your extreme financial situation. You don't need to provide actual numbers about the amount your family earns, but if you have a way to express how little it is (through a story...just being honest about what you've actually experienced. Don't try to overplay the "I am so poor give me money" trope. Everyone applying to this scholarship obviously has extreme need...give them a reason that shows why you need the money, maybe discuss at the end how it will help you in your academic goals, and how it can lead you to your professional goals).
Electrick   
May 3, 2018
Graduate / MSc Sports Technology in Germany - My motivation for this pursuing this degree [4]

The motivational letter shall explain your interest for the main subject areas of the Master´s degree, your motives for commencing the studies and your medium-term professional goals

I am hoping to get some insight and opinions into the motivational letter that I have drafted.
-Am I weak in certain areas....did I fail to adequately address something from the prompt?
-Should I add, develop further, or remove any information?
-I wrote 'the' German Sport Uni on a few occations...it sounds better to me speaking it that way, but does it look ok in writing?

-Do all letters of motivation need a salutation and closing?

Additional ideas and/or opinions are greatly appreciated! Thank you for taking the time to read and reply.

*********

My interest in movement and sport performance began to blossom during my undergraduate studies in my anatomy and physiology courses. I was fascinated by the mechanics of different muscles and bones working together. More specifically, I wanted to discover how to maximize efficiency and safety in exercise and training. Later, I developed my understanding of human ergonomics while becoming an emergency medical technician. Now, after spending the last three years pursuing my passions of language and travel, I have an increasing drive to strengthen my knowledge in sport performance, and to build a career helping others achieve the best version of themselves, physically and mentally.

As a youth athletics coach and sports counselor for many years, I have forged strong leadership skills that promote relationships and allow for wholistic athlete development. Building such relationships is important in any field, but I want my ability to help to be rooted in methodical approach, researched plans, and extensive understanding of the many factors that improve performance. I found myself unable to offer patients and athletes this area of expertise, which fuels me to learn and study at the graduate level. This program will provide me with depth, and a powerful understanding of these concepts. The biomechanics module is of particular interest because it will take an extensive look into the relationships between the body and various sporting technology, which would give me a foundation in identifying unique strategies for specific individuals. And by combining this knowledge with later modules of advanced research methods and application, I will acquire the skills necessary to provide future patients and athletes with goal-oriented, contoured plans that maximize potential and results.

Beyond the research-based courses that the Human Technology program offers, the German Sport University (GSU) has many sport facilities and top-level research labs where I will be able to take the skills learned in the classroom and apply them in the real-world. From the gym to the lab to the track, I will have every opportunity to engage with my studies and my passion for sports. As a student at GSU, I will also be a part of a diverse student body, able to share languages and stories and develop relationships through the mutual joy of studying and practicing sports. I often say I have five great passions: sports, travel, language, meeting people, and working with kids. And with events like KölnerKinderUni and connections to the Move-It Sportcamps, GSU gives me the opportunity to pursue all of my passions and have various outlets of motivation and joy during my studies.

I want to not only pursue my passions, but share them with others. A career helping others achieve their athletic goals, specifically through the understanding of the relationships between body and sporting technology, will allow me to do just that. The German Sport University is the ideal institution for my studies because it provides an environment where I can grow academically with classes that align directly with my career goals, socially at the largest sport university in Europe, and personally as I can pursue my other passions alongside my studies. I bring to GSU the same excitement, drive and commitment that led me out of a broken home, that took me to forty countries, that helped me learn four languages, and that give me the foundation to be successful in my next pursuit: a Master's graduate from the German Sport University.
Electrick   
May 6, 2018
Graduate / MSc Sports Technology in Germany - My motivation for this pursuing this degree [4]

Definitely helpful :) I had that feeling in regards to the mid-term professional goal...that I hadn't expanded enough. My problem is, however, that I do not know the exact role i will assume because I would be comfortable in a variety of positions related to athletic training and testing. So this is why i was a little vague in my essay; it's probably better to give the school an actual position I am aiming for, though. Thanks for the heads up!!

And I'll look into the 'salutation and closing' concern a bit more...

Anyone else have some additional comments or ideas for improving this draft? I really do appreciate the help :)
Electrick   
May 6, 2018
Writing Feedback / The crime is still increasing - how to stop this? Teach criminals a lesson. [3]

What is the purpose of you posting this? Do you want writing feedback or grammar review? What was the prompt and what style of response are you trying to give?

At any rate, there are a variety of grammatic errors...here are a few:

-Nowadays, the crime is ...
-government always sentences...
-The cCrime is still increasing...
-Today, we will discuss ..., demand my opinion for this. Not congruent
-I think that the prison incarceration is a good punishment...
-..., they will be effective together (I believe you're trying to say that they affect each other?).
-For example, a murderer and robber are IN a room, and the murderer can be affective affect the robber's about character, behavior....

There are a number of other errors, but be sure to post what the purpose of your post is as to better help other members reviewing your work.
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