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Posts by SeeHerFly
Joined: Sep 19, 2009
Last Post: Oct 6, 2009
Threads: 1
Posts: 11  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 12
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SeeHerFly   
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Overcoming Domestic Violence - UC Transfer App [8]

Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

A young woman in her early twenties sits in a dark hospital room, pulled in a myriad of different directions by the discordance of her thoughts. She feels a dull throbbing sensation from the incision sliced across her abdomen. Glancing over at the miniature person sleeping beside her, she cannot help but affix the violent process of his birth to the violence she already endured for so long.

It was a particularly brutal attack she experienced on the night that led to the arrest and present incarceration of her son's father and a pertinent culmination of their ten years together. The young woman sat all night reflecting on the past, confronting her various internal antagonists, and worrying about the uncertainty ahead. But that night, as she carefully admired her son enjoying the dreams entitled exclusively to the innocent, she recovered something that had seemingly been lost during the past decade - hope.

The birth of my son compelled me to change my life in a drastic way. In the two years that followed, I exploited the full range of my innate attributes as well as developed new skills in order to work through the most difficult challenges I had ever faced. Along the way I rediscovered the joy and beauty of this world that had been viciously snatched away from my life. And most important, I realized the quality of which I am most proud to possess: an innate ability to prevail.

The cards were swiftly stacked against me. I was diagnosed with severe depression and post traumatic stress disorder, but opted out of prescription medication because I was my son's sole caretaker and provider. Instead, I relied on resourcefulness to find an alternative method of treatment. I found it in a local bi-weekly support group for women. Here I had the privilege of meeting extraordinary women of all backgrounds who rose above a plight similar to mine. Although I gained invaluable insight within the actual discussions and interactions of the group, I learned the most about myself by contemplating the mere reason of my attendance. I went to the meetings because I refused to succumb to the psychological aftermath of abuse. I refused to give up on myself, which put into action the silent words of my intuition - you must prevail.

One year later, I felt ready to start another venture to pursue my ultimate dream of finishing school. I was a single mother and working full-time, but I was determined to succeed. It was this sheer determination that enabled me to wake up at five o'clock every morning, drop off my son to daycare, and attend an early class before heading off to work. Many of those days ended in exhausted tears and temptation to surrender to a less arduous lifestyle, but the prevailing force within me eradicated the very notion of failure. When the grades were released, I knew I had passed a formidable test of perseverance. I felt beyond empowered. I felt unstoppable.

Another year has passed and I find myself citing this personal odyssey with the hope that it will give a clear picture of who I am. I am a survivor. I am a mother. I am an individual who never gave up and never will. Above all of these things I am living, breathing, thriving, and unrelenting confirmation of the famous words spoken by William Faulkner: "I believe man will not merely endure; he will prevail."
SeeHerFly   
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Overcoming Domestic Violence - UC Transfer App [8]

Thank you for your input. I was hesitant about using the Faulkner quote for the same reason...thank you for reinforcing my qualm. I will have to find another quote.
SeeHerFly   
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]

your first essay is definitely stronger. although it is in need of some serious editing (incorrect use of punctuation, tense, pron.agmt.), it is a very interesting story.

however, i was mildly disturbed by the fact that the truth came out only after your mother read your diary and essentially forced you to take ethical action. it doesn't appear that you overcame this ethical dilemma using your own convictions nor is it evident that your sense of personal accountability had anything to do with the resolution. your second essay does a better job resolving the issue, although it is somewhat vague.
SeeHerFly   
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / "Most conversations with my classmates" - Umich short answer [3]

I like the story and the tone...but I'm not sure how effectively this essay answers the prompt,especially the second part. you might want to spend less time writing about your history of stellar performance and more time discussing the mutual benefits of intellectual reciprocity. you should also revise the end of the essay, using stronger word choices and phrases to describe what you have gained from the experience. and the last sentence just screams cliche.

there are also several grammatical mistakes -- be wary of incorrect usage of "me" and "I"
SeeHerFly   
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]

I knew that with the additional income, I would be able to take some of the burden off her shoulders.

It was not long before each child claimed itsa special place in my heart.

While I was at school, my mom went through my drawers till she found my diary.
--until, whereupon, etc...

in addition to some of the previous corrections, here are a few more. unfortunately, i don't have the time to get into the issues with tense. i would advise seeking help from an English teacher or someone here who can go through it with you.

as far as the issue to which i am referring, i was merely noting that from an adcom pov, it might be more compelling to see a stronger personal conviction. that doesn't necessarily mean that it was lacking in your situation. it may only mean that you could project it in a better way.
SeeHerFly   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Overcoming Domestic Violence - UC Transfer App [8]

Sean,

Can you provide any additional criticism? Are my verbs forceful enough? How is the overall tone and writing style? Is the transition from third to first person awkward? Should I add/omit anything?

i doubt this essay will captivate an adcom or truly set me apart from the rest. i need advice on how to improve this essay so that it will.
SeeHerFly   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Helping my mom fight for her life - obstacle, bump - criticism you may have [4]

what is the word count? i think you have a very powerful story to share...but the essay is too vague. Adding more details will make it easier for readers to connect with you. You may want to spend more time discussing the different qualities that displayed your mother's strength of spirit and what you have personally gained from observing these qualities.

I hope you still have time because I would suggest a complete re-write. Maybe start with an outline including a few examples of the hardships you endured, followed by more specific examples of what you have learned from the experience.
SeeHerFly   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Overcoming Domestic Violence - UC Transfer App [8]

EF_Sean..."I'm a crazy person who's off her meds, and who in fact refused to go on them."

LOL! i can see how it could be interpreted that way. hahah.

Thank you so much for the input...very helpful/valuable.
SeeHerFly   
Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Initial Florida State Essay - content only [3]

waaaay too vague. what are these difficult choice you have faced? what specific incidents have tested your moral fiber? how did you stand up for your beliefs? your essay reads more like a checklist of guidelines the school would have provided with the prompt.
SeeHerFly   
Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "Living within natural and cultural limits" - Stanford- Intellectual Vitality Essay [21]

First off, your essay is by far the best response to this prompt that I have read so far. And I have read many of the ones on this forum. I can only offer a few pieces of criticism for your re-edited draft.

1. ...technology allows us to go where no one has gone before
--could come up with a better way to say this...it sounds like a movie quote

2....society is slowly becoming embarrassed of anything which doesn't flaunt progress, technology- or limitlessness.
--is the dash really necessary?

3....There is in no way that we can bring back the trees we've cut down
--the beginning of this sentence sounds awkward

4....As paradoxical as it may be, I believe we are inherently a romantic society, governed by no precincts, yet we lead rational lives.
--why did you omit this sentence? it would have been brilliant if you developed this idea throughout your essay

5. Overall I think your essay is very well written and deeply insightful. I also think you effectively answered the prompt. but this is just my humble opinion...=)
SeeHerFly   
Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "the normal family"+"working at camps" - UC prompt #1 & 2 [3]

I like the content of your essays, especially the first one. You included a lot of great details. However, I think you could work on the conclusion. You need to tie it in better. Be more specific about what you have gained from your unique background. And the last sentence? It's got to go. For both essays.

Also, have your English teacher (or any credible editor) comb through for grammar...there is work that needs to be done in this area.
SeeHerFly   
Oct 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "find fulfillment in helping others" Looking for critiques on UC admission essay [7]

Kerfuffin is right...you must answer each prompt in a separate essay, each at least 250 words. Even if you could answer both prompts in one essay, it would be a better choice to devote two pieces that address the individual prompts. That way, you have more flexibility to showcase a wider range of your different talents/attributes.
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