Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS Task 1 : Process of Chocolate [2]

Hello guys, I need your feedback in term of writing task 1 (Task Achievement, Lexical Resources, Cohesion and Coherence, Grammatical and Accuracy)

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Question :The illustration show how chocolate is produced.

The pictures explain the process of manufacturing chocolate. In general, the production of chocolate can be divided into two stages. The first is manual process which usually use a farmer skill and secondly processed by machine and tool. All of process have 10 stages from growing up to producing liquid chocolate.

The first phase consist of five steps which are done manually. Starting from cacao tree selecting to the pods harvesting. After that, farmer gets white cocoa beans from the pods. Next stages, cacao beans must be fermented and spread in the sun to dry. The last step for manual process is to put all of cacao beans and package in sacks.

Final phase move to process by machine and tool. After cacao beans ready to package, it is times to bring the sacks to the factory for next step. Roasting machine ha first step to roast the beans until 350 degree. Following this the beans crushed and outer shell removed. Eventually, bean enter to inner part for the result liquid chocolate produced.

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Writing Feedback / Task 2 : There is a growing demand for new cars and it causes many problems [2]

Hello guys, I need your feedback in term of writing task 1 (Task Achievement, Lexical Resources, Cohesion and Coherence, Grammatical and Accuracy)

The rising number of automobiles

The number of the selling cars for the first time is increasing continuously in many third world countries.
This phenomenon might produce two some problems: the increasing level of the pollutions and traffic congestion.
Increasing the standard of vehicle emissions and implementing odd and even car license police number in the road could be two viable solutions, and it should be set by the authority.

The rising automobiles number will follow the level of the air pollutions in the environment.
As a result some of diseases would likely to suffer many people because of the chemical exposure from the emissions through breathing the contaminated air.

Based on data of Wahidin hospital in Makassar that the number of patients suffering lung cancer and pneumonia increased around 13% compared to the previous-year percentage in 2006, and chemical emissions from the fumes are assumed as the main factor to trigger those diseases.

Not only that, traffic jam is also a huge problem that often comes up when the volume of cars increase.
It occurs because the road could not be widened again whereas the growth number of mobile-cars go constantly up.

Some people believe that the role of government is admittedly pivotal to deal with those problems.
By increasing the level of emissions-regulation standard in each vehicle could restrain the wide-spread pollutions to the environment.
On another solutions, making policy odd and even police number to drive their cars in the high way could address the traffic jam or reduce the vehicle number in the road.

Those regulations have been being implemented by Jakarta's government, and they succeed to reduce smoke in the sky around 10% as well as the congestion never exist again in the rush hour.

In conclusion, a high number of cars not only could deteriorate the environment through a huge-spread of fumes from the vehicles but also potentially widen the area of congestion. Therefore, the role of government to make some policy could create a massive impact to address this issue.