Posts by MsSsSs

MsSsSs

Sep 27, 2009

Undergraduate / "the conductor" - Common app- Activity [6]

Here's my rough draft for the 150 word activity short answer on the Common App. It currently have 153 words, after already cutting it down from 170ish. What do you guys think I can do to tighten this up?

Sitting among my fellow cellos, I waited for the conductor to finish rambling about the violins. "The cellos and basses set the rhythm, but you have the melody! Bring out the soul of the music!" He did a little dance to emphasize his point.

Having participated in orchestra's for years, I was used to such lack of attention. The cellos, everyone believes, are a complements to the violins. After the conductor finished his lecture, we once again started to play Berlioz's Marche Hongroise. As the piece escalated to the climax, my faint animosity vanished as I felt the notes pounding in my heart. Violins verses cellos are not what orchestra is about: it is about reviving the music written by composers generations ago. It is about recreating the magic and sharing them with the world. It is about reliving the joy felt by the composers. This is why I participate in orchestras.

Thanks!

MsSsSs

Sep 27, 2009

Undergraduate / "the conductor" - Common app- Activity [6]

I don't know much about musical instruments and don't really care to.
That out the way, were you trying to be cute by "Sitting among my fellow cellos?"

No I was not trying to be cute. I was trying to show the reader I play the cello without saying specifically, "I play the cello."

I'll cut out the dancing part, I suppose. I was trying to create a mental image about how passionate the guy was about violins, but it came across badly.

Thanks for the quick responses, guys.

MsSsSs

Sep 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

We live in a judging world

We live in a judgemental world.

Based on what the other readers have said, you should probably work on your conclusion. It feels as if you are forcing it. Maybe add a transition or rewrite it to be less abrupt.

Apart from your closing, I think you have a very good essay. I like how it draws the reader with the casual voice, then slowly moves to a more serious tone.

MsSsSs

Sep 28, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Spanish for Native Speakers class' - Umich admission essay cultural difference [4]

You have a lot of misplaced commas and extra words that makes the essay distracting.

Throughout that year I learned their cultures from the type of foods they ate, to the different celebrations they had.

Throughout that year, I learned their cultures from the type of foods they ate to the different celebrations they had.

For example beans are called frijoles in Mexico, gandules in Puerto Rico, and abichuelas in Peru.

For example, beans are called frijoles in Mexico, gandules in Puerto Rico, and abichuelas in Peru.

Even the way the Spanish is spoken varies from country to country.

Even the way Spanish is spoken varies from country to country.

Also, try to avoid passive voice.

MsSsSs

Sep 28, 2009

Undergraduate / "the conductor" - Common app- Activity [6]

Here's a quick edit of the short answer.

My cello was sleeping on my lap as I waited for the conductor to finish rambling about the violins. "The cellos and basses set the rhythm, but you have the melody! Bring out the soul of the music!"

Having participated in orchestras for years, I am used to such lack of attention. The cello section, everyone believes, are merely complements to the violins. After the conductor finished his lecture, we once again started to play Berlioz's Marche Hongroise. As the piece escalated to the climax, my faint animosity vanished as I felt the notes pounding in my heart. Violins verses cellos are not what orchestra is about: it is about reviving the music written by composers generations ago. It is about recreating the magic and sharing them with the world. It is about reliving the joy felt by the composers. This is why I participate in orchestra.

MsSsSs

Sep 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Michigan LSA Essay: academic interest [4]

hey guys, I finished another short answer. Can you guys please tell me what you think? Thanks.

What led you to choose the areas of academic interest that you have listed in your application to the University of Michigan?

On the first day of AP Economics class, my teacher gave the class a short Economic Reasoning Quiz consisting of eight true or false questions. The first question was "True or False? Life is priceless." I could not think of a single rational reason why it would not be; anyone who thinks otherwise is probably insane.

After we turned in the quiz, my teacher went over the answers. Smilingly faintly, he asked the class who put true for the first question - most of the class raised their hands. Almost mockingly, he remarked, "Well, you are all wrong!" My competitive nature instantly revved up, and opened my mouth to argue. He quickly help up a hand and said, "Before you all create an uproar, let me ask you a few questions. If life was priceless, would you buy the Big Mac with 30 grams of fat for lunch? Have you ever texted while driving, knowing it increases the increased risk of an accident? Who here has went out to enjoy a movie instead of going to the gym to exercise? You value those little luxuries over your life." Stunned, I closed my mouth. As hard as I tried, I could not think of a rebuke.

This is the beginning of a subject I fell in love with immediately. It is, with the unique sense of logic and complexity, studying the foundation of how humans make choices in their lives, how nations create wealth, and how the world is interlinked through trade. It is a subject I plan to expand further at the University of Michigan.

MsSsSs

Oct 17, 2009

Undergraduate / "to become the best dentist possible" - U OF M SHORT ANSWER [7]

um, this could just be me, but never switch from first to second person. Use "one" instead of "you." or better yet, completely rewrite it in first person.

MsSsSs

Oct 18, 2009

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

The way my mother delivered those words gave me hope that day, and those words carried a philosophy I will hold onto for the rest of my life.

and those words carried a philosophy I began to hold onto for the rest of my life.

MsSsSs

Oct 18, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Interested in economics' - Why Columbia [4]

Hey guys, I just finished Columbia's personal statement essay. However this stupid 600 character why columbia short answer thing is driving me nuts!

Here's basically what I'm trying to say: it has an awesome economics department because of its professors and successful alumni. I'm not mentioning the city, internship, research,etc at all.

So this is what I have so far.

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why

As I stepped onto the Greyhound at 3 AM, I wondered how a trip to Columbia would affect my college list. Seven hours later and amidst a of a campus tour, there wasn't a doubt what my top choice was.

Interested in economics, I asked the tour guide about Columbia's Economics Department. He promptly assured me it is one of the best universities for Economics, listing professors such as Robert Mundell and Edmund Phelps before continuing with its long history of successful alumni economists. I am excited at the prospect of learning under the rich and knowledgeable Economics Department at Columbia.

Obviously, the first sentence seems irrelevant, so I'm thinking of completely erasing it. What I need help with is how to rewrite it so it doesn't just jump straight from "..successful alumni economists" to "I am excited.." It just doesn't feel right. I definitely need a transition somewhere. This answer is already at 598 characters, so perhaps rewrite the beginning and add a transition?

Can any of you help? Any help is appreciated!! Thanks!

MsSsSs

Oct 25, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Interested in economics' - Why Columbia [4]

Yeah, I took your advice. Here's my new draft. Can you guys please edit it? Also Mod, can you remove my initial short answer? thanks!

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why

As I sat pouring over hundreds of college majors, I realized something: I'm a greedy young child, forever wanting more. I want to explore knowledge outside my major. Naturally, Columbia's core curriculum appealed to me. I can see myself poring over the works of Sophocles in Literature Humanities, or exploring The Metropolitan Museum of Art in Art Humanities. As a student, it is these opportunities that will enable me to gain a new perspective toward the world, and it is these opportunities I crave for. I know I can attain this valuable education with the core curriculum at Columbia University.