Writing Feedback / Shopping, working and communicating with people via Internet, without any face-to-face contact [3]

I will be very grateful if anyone can help me correct my essay. Thank you so much !!

IELTS WRITING TASK 2 : Internet development

Question: In the modern world it is possible to shop, work, communicate with people via Internet and live without any face-to-face contact with others. Is it a positive or negative development in your opinion?

My essay:

Nowadays, with the burgeoning development of science and technology, Internet has gained in popularity with almost everyone and it creates a tendency to connect with people by social network instead of having direct interaction. From my perspective, everything has two sides including beneficial merits and detrimental demerits.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that Internet communication enjoys a wide range of advantages. First of all, it brings us so much tremendous convenience that we can be all connected no matter where we are. With just a click of the mouse or a touch on the screen, our demand for communication is met. Moreover, due to this handiness, we can save money and cut costs. For instance, instead of boarding the car or the bus to go to the meeting, people is able to stay at home and come together by media network. On top of that, it gives us a bunch of chances to form new relationships, make more friends around the globe. Interrnet creates a bridge between people so as to help people become much closer together.

On the other hand, there can also be certainly pernicious impacts brought by this phenomenon that are worth mentioning. First and foremost, social media makes peolple waste a large amount of time as well as have our eyes glued to the mobile phones. Hence, we can become addicted and affect seriously mental and physical health by the way we go to the bed late to read news or chat with friends... Another thing to mention is that people can immerse ourselves in virtual living and live far away from the real world. We will not have time for outdoor activities such as going out with family and friends. From that, people are likely to become isolated gradually and can have a disillusion as well as deteriorate real relationships.

To sum up, it is apparent that the benefits overweigh the drawbacks of this phenomenon. Therefore, it is my strong recommendation that people should take the Internet into serious consideration and keep balance to use it properly and effectively.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2; Advertisements are becoming more and more common in everyday life [3]

large-scale expansion of advertisement

Question: "Advertisements are becoming more and more common in everyday life. Is it a positive or negative development?"

My essay:
Advertisements have gained in popularity due to the growth of science and technology. It is apparent that this development has a wide range of advantages for business and consumers. However, it also conceals detrimental impacts that we need to take into consideration.

On the one hand, advertising is key part of modern business which companies utilize to inform customers about their products and services on a large scale. As a result, they are notified of the various options they have and business are likely to reach higher profits. Moreover, advertisement is a creative industry that employs many people. Without this marketing sector, it leads to higher unemployment and the limitation in job opportunies.

On the other hand, advertisements focus on convincing people with a multitude of the product's merits which may be exaggerated and distorted for commercial purposes. Futhermore, marketing often aims at children who are not mature enough to choose an accurate product. Hence, their parents will be put on pressure to buy things for them. If some contain inappropriate content, it will be harmful to the development of children.

In conclusion, both beneficial and negative influences on consumers can be seen as a result of the large-scale expansion of advertisement which is necessary but needs to be regulated. People should take it into account and become smart consumers.

Please help me improve my essay. I will immensely be grateful. Thank you so much