I will be very grateful if anyone can help me correct my essay. Thank you so much !!
IELTS WRITING TASK 2 : Internet development
Question: In the modern world it is possible to shop, work, communicate with people via Internet and live without any face-to-face contact with others. Is it a positive or negative development in your opinion?
My essay:
Nowadays, with the burgeoning development of science and technology, Internet has gained in popularity with almost everyone and it creates a tendency to connect with people by social network instead of having direct interaction. From my perspective, everything has two sides including beneficial merits and detrimental demerits.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that Internet communication enjoys a wide range of advantages. First of all, it brings us so much tremendous convenience that we can be all connected no matter where we are. With just a click of the mouse or a touch on the screen, our demand for communication is met. Moreover, due to this handiness, we can save money and cut costs. For instance, instead of boarding the car or the bus to go to the meeting, people is able to stay at home and come together by media network. On top of that, it gives us a bunch of chances to form new relationships, make more friends around the globe. Interrnet creates a bridge between people so as to help people become much closer together.
On the other hand, there can also be certainly pernicious impacts brought by this phenomenon that are worth mentioning. First and foremost, social media makes peolple waste a large amount of time as well as have our eyes glued to the mobile phones. Hence, we can become addicted and affect seriously mental and physical health by the way we go to the bed late to read news or chat with friends... Another thing to mention is that people can immerse ourselves in virtual living and live far away from the real world. We will not have time for outdoor activities such as going out with family and friends. From that, people are likely to become isolated gradually and can have a disillusion as well as deteriorate real relationships.
To sum up, it is apparent that the benefits overweigh the drawbacks of this phenomenon. Therefore, it is my strong recommendation that people should take the Internet into serious consideration and keep balance to use it properly and effectively.Hi thaonguyen1st,
- I think you misunderstood the term "Internet" with "social media", hence your use of "social media" as the subject being discussed rather than Internet use in general. I can shop at eBay and work on Freelancer's sites, which are not social media at all.
- This essay heavily focused on communication (which I am doubtful about since the topic question stated shop, work and communicate). I think if this question had been analyzed under the perspective of shop-goers/owners, employees/ers, it'd have been much more comprehensive, relevant and refreshing (this is not required in IELTS writing though).
Hi thaonguyen1st,
1. With just a click of the mouse or ...=> I love writing like this and love reading stuff like this, but to be honest it does sound like in a magazine, rather than in an essay.
2. I think you write to much about communication. The topic asks us to discuss a LIFESTYLE in which we use the Internet to work to shop to chat....without really meeting people.
But overall, you did a pretty good job. Keep going my friend.
