Posts by agungbachruddin

agungbachruddin

Jun 25, 2019

Writing Feedback / Making people believe in Arts - IELTS task 2-- discussion Essay [4]

hi @luna21

I am new here and also study writing to improve my score. So, i dont have capacity to review your grammar but i will focus on idea that you shared.

Firstly, the government could ...

My input related to your opinions are you have to relate point with example. In first point, you have talked about increase career option in this sector. The example, in my opinion, supposed to be government funds newcomer and potential artists to develop their skill by giving free painting courses or held exhibition that give free admission for them. Then in second point, i found that no relation between establish a compulsory subject in schools and universities with viewing arts as a tradition. You might write the arts could introduce in schools and universities to attract students learn more about and appreciate the arts.

These are my inputs for your essay. Best of luck.

Regards,

@agung

agungbachruddin

Jun 25, 2019

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 Essay about the problem of stress [6]

Hi @thanguyen315

I am newcomer and in process of improving my writing. I found that your article really interesting where you put many uncommon vocabularies. I even never heard some before. But, from book that i read, to achive band 7 in IELTS examiner looking for idea that simply generated and easy to understand. I found after reading your writing, you give a lot of information for each point in paragraph 2 and 3 and make it become unclear. It is better to keep your point simple and give one clear example then at the end you could give your final statement regarding the topic.

This is just my point of view, please review my writing as well.

Thanks

agungbachruddin

Jun 25, 2019

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 regarding impact of modern technology [NEW]

Topic: Some people think that modern technology is making people more sociable, while others think is making them less sociable. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

How can technology make people less social?

Modern technology eliminates boundaries in communication such as distance, time and places. Some people agree that people more sociable due to existence of modern technology but others think opposite, it makes them more individual and isolate. There are several opinions related to this topic.

Technology plays significant part in our daily life, we use mobile phone since morning right after get up from bed until we sleep at night. Many activities we could do with mobile phone such as browsing, reading newspaper and update their social life via social media. People using social media to make new friend that share common interest and update their activities, interested places and beautiful scenery in return they hoping to get appreciation from mutual friends. Another thing that have impacted by modern technology is easier to communicate with people although live far away, using whatsapp or skype, so time, places and distance will not be main obstacle nowadays. These show us that modern technologies not only make people more sociable but also improve way of communication.

However, there is one main drawback that may occur from using modern technology. Issue related disharmony and mistrust caused by less level of face-to-face interaction between people. People today prefer to use video call when communicate with friends because more simple and can be done anywhere. This may result to loss sense of belonging between people and increase dishonesty that obstruct life harmony.

Therefore in my opinion, existence of modern technologies could eliminate obstacles in communication between people but not forget drawback that may occur from heavily rely on it. People still need to have real engagement and meeting face-to-face with one another to create harmony and building trust in relationship.

Kindly give your feedbacks

Regards,