Undergraduate / Kumdo Tournament - 'final, tiebreaking point' - a personal contribution or experience [2]

Hi. This is my UC essay for the second prompt. Can you give me advice on how to make it better?

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

During the final's match of the Kumdo Championship, my opponent and I quickly shift our feet back and forth in the arena, looking for an opening to attack. In a Kumdo match, receiving a single blow ends the match, so I must stay alert the whole time. As I fight, I hear my opponent's friends cheering for her. Suddenly, I hear my dad cheer for me. Since his voice is the loudest by far, even the basketball players on the other side of the gym are startled and drop their balls, shocked at such a loud voice. My dad's voice is louder than three of my opponent's friends combined, and I feel more energized to compete. I eventually maneuver so that I am face to face with my opponent; I give off a yell, only a few inches from her left ear, and she turns her face away. In a fraction of a second, I strike the winning blow and earn the final, tie-breaking point that makes me the winner of the girls' division of the North American Kumdo Championship.

Kumdo, which literally means "the way of the sword," is a martial arts sport that emphasizes developing inner strength and maintaining a calm mind and a pure attitude at all times. Mastering Kumdo requires dedication for perfection in "ki-kum-chae," a technique synchronizing the yell, the sword, and body movements. Since fifth grade, I have trained at least three times a week and have competed in tournaments from California to New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

When I go to a tournament, I get pumped up to face my opponents even before the basic warm-up exercises begin. At the beginning of my first match, I let out my loudest, most intimidating yell. I am known for my "dinosaur shriek," the kind that rings in people's ears for a long time. Many referees in the LA tournaments know my yell and comment, since it is loud and unique, "Oh, that's Grace An from the Silicon Valley."

In every match, I watch each of my opponent's moves carefully and quickly analyze the patterns in their attacks. By observing their moves, I can anticipate what they might do next. Strength and speed are crucial to winning. I use a variety of motions so my opponents won't be able to predict my next moves or figure out my unique style. Sometimes the matches may last up to twenty minutes if they go into overtime, but I keep going and fight until I get that final point to win the match.

Through participating in this exciting sport of Kumdo, I display another side of me, a fearless, "in-your-face," loud side that most people don't know. They think of me as a quiet, shy student, but winning at Kumdo has made me strong and proud of the confidence and skill I have developed, which has, in turn, shown me that I can do everything with confidence.

Please give any suggestions that would make this essay better.
Criticism is welcome. Thank you!

Undergraduate / fascinated with nature and the way things work -Describe the world you come from [4]

This is my UC Essay. Constructive criticism is welcome!

1. Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

As a child, I was always fascinated with nature and the way things work. I spent hours looking on the trees around my neighborhood for cicadas, dragonflies, and butterflies, so that I could observe them with a magnifier and understand how each member of these tiny creatures functioned. In school, science was always my favorite subject, particularly biology. Dissection labs during life science classes sparked my interest in various organisms' body parts, and my fascination grew as I began to see how amazing life is. The ability of every organism to breathe and adapt to different environments motivated me to pursue my interest in science. To me, every little part of each organism is important.

As the years have passed, my interest for living things has deepened and I have learned about the complexity of the human body, which has inspired me to take many more courses in science. Studying anatomy and physiology opened the door to the interconnectivity of the tissue, bones, circulatory system, and the many complex organs, particularly the heart. Exploring the heart was especially engaging because it is the most vital organ in the human body. This helped me realize the importance of the heart. When I study biology, I gain an appreciation for how living things function in the environment around us. In addition, I enjoyed psychology because it gave me insight about the human mind. My pestilence and civilization class taught me the impact that disease has on the human body and on society and inspired me to study disease in college, where I studied specific diseases such as AIDS, malaria, and polio. My passion for engineering developed after taking chemistry and physics, because I realized the connection between all the sciences in order to support living organisms.

Then after volunteering in a local hospital, I decided what I would really like to do is to combine my love of science with helping others. Performing duties such as discharging patients has allowed me to come into contact with patients. Seeing how much help they received from their doctors and seeing the patients' gratitude for that help has inspired me to pursue a career in medicine.

So working in the medical profession as a bioengineer seemed like a perfect fit for me. As a bioengineer, I want to combine my love for math, science, and medicine in order to improve the technologies that are important in life. Particularly, I want to explore the possibilities of designing vital organs such as the heart to improve the quality of life for the sick, so that they can enjoy their lives. I am excited by the opportunities that the world of bioengineering would open up for me to pursue my passions.

453 words

Undergraduate / USC- What matters to me and why- confidence [3]

This is my essay for University of Southern California. Actually, I'm using another essay, but I need help in trying to answer the question, since I'm not sure how to do that.

Here's the question:

USC's speaker series "What Matters to Me and Why" asks faculty and staff to reflect on their values, beliefs, and motivations. Presenters talk about choices they have made, difficulties encountered, and commitments solidified. Write an essay about an event or experience that helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important.

During the final match of the Kumdo Championship, my opponent and I quickly shift our feet back and forth in the arena, looking for an opening to attack. In a Kumdo match, receiving a single blow ends the match, so I must stay alert the whole time. As I fight, I hear my opponent's friends cheering for her. Suddenly, I hear my dad cheer for me. Since his voice is the loudest by far, even the basketball players on the other side of the gym are startled and drop their balls, shocked at such a loud voice. My dad's voice is louder than three of my opponent's friends combined, and I feel more energized to compete. I eventually maneuver so that I am face to face with my opponent; I give off a yell, only a few inches from her left ear and she turns her face away. In a fraction of a second, I strike the winning blow and earn the final, tiebreaking point that makes me the winner of the girls' division of the North American Kumdo Championship.

Kumdo, which literally means "the way of the sword," is a martial arts sport that emphasizes developing inner strength and maintaining a calm mind and a pure attitude at all times. Mastering kumdo requires dedication for perfection in "ki-kum-chae," a technique synchronizing the yell, the sword, and body movements. Since fifth grade, I have trained at least three times a week and have competed in tournaments from California to New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

When I go to a tournament, I get pumped up to face my opponents even before the basic warm-up exercises begin. At the beginning of my first match, I let out my loudest, most intimidating yell. I am known for my "dinosaur shriek," the kind that rings in people's ears for a long time. Many referees in the LA tournaments know my yell and comment, since it is loud and unique, "Oh, that's Grace An from the Silicon Valley."

In every match, I watch each of my opponent's moves carefully and quickly analyze the patterns in their attacks. By observing their moves, I can anticipate what they might do next. Strength and speed are crucial to winning. I use a variety of motions so my opponents won't be able to predict my next moves or figure out my unique style. Sometimes the matches may last up to twenty minutes if they go into overtime, but I keep going and fight until I get that final point to win the match.

Through participating in this exciting sport of Kumdo, I display another side of me, a fearless, "in-your-face," loud side that most people don't know. They think of me as a quiet, shy student, but winning at Kumdo has made me strong and proud of the confidence and skill I have developed, which has, in turn, shown me that I can do everything with confidence.

Undergraduate / A challenge I overcame through persistence [2]

Hi! This is my essay for University of Southern California. Feedback is appreciated!

Thomas Edison failed many times before successfully inventing the modern electric light bulb. He said, "If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward." Reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence.

I've always remembered the traditional Korean saying, "Chil Jeon Pal Gi." Literally, it means one fails seven times, but keeps trying and succeeds on his or her eighth try. I've realized the importance of persistence in order to succeed through competing in many Kumdo tournaments.

Kumdo, which literally means "the way of the sword," is a martial arts sport that emphasizes developing inner strength and maintaining a calm mind and a pure attitude at all times. Mastering kumdo requires dedication for perfection in "ki-kum-chae," a technique synchronizing the yell, the sword, and body movements. Since fifth grade, I have trained at least three times a week and have competed in tournaments from California to New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

When I entered my first Kumdo tournament, I lost during my first match against one of the best girls in my division. Although I was upset that day, I repeated "Chil Jeon Pal Gi" to myself many times. I trained harder than ever, working on my techniques and observing others who were more experienced than I was. I analyzed my weaknesses and waited for my next chance. I was determined to display my skills and win the next time. However, when the next competition arrived, I was devastated when I lost in only a few seconds against the same girl. Humiliated, I wanted to give up on Kumdo. However, after reflecting on the importance of "Chil Jeon Pal Gi," I gritted my teeth and trained at my Kumdo academy twice as hard by perfecting my moves even during the weekends by myself. Before I knew it, my next tournament was approaching quickly.

When I go to a tournament, I get pumped up to face my opponents even before the basic warm-up exercises begin. At the beginning of my first match, I let out my loudest, most intimidating yell, which I have worked on throughout my training. I became for my "dinosaur shriek," the kind that rings in people's ears for a long time. Many referees in the LA tournaments now know my yell and comment, since it is loud and unique, "Oh, that's Grace An from the Silicon Valley."

In every match, I watched each of my opponent's moves carefully and quickly analyzed the patterns in their attacks. By observing their moves, I could anticipate what they might do next. Since strength and speed are crucial to winning, I used a variety of motions so my opponents wouldn't be able to predict my next moves or figure out my unique style. Sometimes the matches lasted up to twenty minutes if they went into overtime, but I kept going and fought until I got that final point to win the match.

During the final match of the Kumdo Championship, my opponent and I quickly shifted our feet back and forth in the arena, looking for an opening to attack. In a Kumdo match, receiving a single blow ends the match, so I had to stay alert the whole time. As I fought, I heard my opponent's friends cheering for her. Suddenly, I heard my dad cheer for me. Since his voice was the loudest by far, even the basketball players on the other side of the gym were startled and dropped their balls, shocked at such a loud voice. My dad's voice was louder than three of my opponent's friends combined, and I felt more energized to compete. I eventually maneuvered so that I was face to face with my opponent; I gave off a yell, only a few inches from her left ear and she turned her face away. In a fraction of a second, I struck the winning blow and earned the final, tiebreaking point that made me the winner of the girls' division of the North American Kumdo Championship.

Through participating in this exciting sport of Kumdo, I display another side of me, a fearless, "in-your-face," loud side that most people don't know. They think of me as a quiet, shy student, but winning at Kumdo with persistence after many losses has made me strong and proud of the confidence and skill I have developed, which has, in turn, shown me that I can do everything with persistence. I will remember "Chil Jeon Pal Gi" whenever I am faced with a challenge and keep trying until I reach my goal.

Undergraduate / 'superstition and unawareness' - Stanford Intellectual vitality- Disease [3]

Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging. (max. 1800 characters)

Taking Pestilence and Civilization in my junior year has changed the way I look at the impact of disease on society. The spread of disease has shaped the altered the expansion of Islam and affected the growth and colonization of the Western Hemisphere. As I began to realize that smallpox and measles wiped out over ninety percent of the entire population of the Western Hemisphere and that the 1918 flu killed more people than every war that was fought in history, I was stimulated to look at how the modern 21st century responds to these things. To my surprise, people have not changed much in their reactions to sudden outbreaks, even today. Humans have tried to stop disease by inventing paper cups, Kleenex, and modern flush toilets, but disease makes up the more number of deaths than anything else each year. People all over the world started panicking when they first heard of the "swine flu" epidemic. One of the biggest questions that came to my mind after learning about this was, "What can we do about this?" Our society forgets many outbreaks that have occurred in history, so superstition and unawareness have been the major reasons why infectious diseases have spread through populations. Through taking this class, I have been able to gain an appreciation for what diseases have done in history and what they are doing now, which has, in turn, sparked my interest in biology. I am eager to explore these topics in greater detail by studying biology at Stanford.

(1477 characters)

I need help with this essay! Any suggestions on how to make it better?