This is my UC Essay. Constructive criticism is welcome!
1. Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
As a child, I was always fascinated with nature and the way things work. I spent hours looking on the trees around my neighborhood for cicadas, dragonflies, and butterflies, so that I could observe them with a magnifier and understand how each member of these tiny creatures functioned. In school, science was always my favorite subject, particularly biology. Dissection labs during life science classes sparked my interest in various organisms' body parts, and my fascination grew as I began to see how amazing life is. The ability of every organism to breathe and adapt to different environments motivated me to pursue my interest in science. To me, every little part of each organism is important.
As the years have passed, my interest for living things has deepened and I have learned about the complexity of the human body, which has inspired me to take many more courses in science. Studying anatomy and physiology opened the door to the interconnectivity of the tissue, bones, circulatory system, and the many complex organs, particularly the heart. Exploring the heart was especially engaging because it is the most vital organ in the human body. This helped me realize the importance of the heart. When I study biology, I gain an appreciation for how living things function in the environment around us. In addition, I enjoyed psychology because it gave me insight about the human mind. My pestilence and civilization class taught me the impact that disease has on the human body and on society and inspired me to study disease in college, where I studied specific diseases such as AIDS, malaria, and polio. My passion for engineering developed after taking chemistry and physics, because I realized the connection between all the sciences in order to support living organisms.
Then after volunteering in a local hospital, I decided what I would really like to do is to combine my love of science with helping others. Performing duties such as discharging patients has allowed me to come into contact with patients. Seeing how much help they received from their doctors and seeing the patients' gratitude for that help has inspired me to pursue a career in medicine.
So working in the medical profession as a bioengineer seemed like a perfect fit for me. As a bioengineer, I want to combine my love for math, science, and medicine in order to improve the technologies that are important in life. Particularly, I want to explore the possibilities of designing vital organs such as the heart to improve the quality of life for the sick, so that they can enjoy their lives. I am excited by the opportunities that the world of bioengineering would open up for me to pursue my passions.
453 words
I really like the beginning of the essay. I think the detail that you've listed is good! Your grammar and spelling seem sound. The only suggestions I have are that you tie the different courses you've taken (inspired by science) better so that your essay will flow more. I also think that you should work some of the detail you had in your introduction into your conclusion. Overall, good job!
As a child, I was always fascinated with nature and the way things worked . At home, I spent hours looking at the trees around my neighborhood for cicadas, dragonflies, and butterflies, so that I could observe them with a magnifier and understand how each member of these tiny creatures functioned. In school, science was always my favorite subject, particularly biology. Dissection labs during life science classes sparked my interest in various organisms' body parts, and my fascination grew as I began to see how amazing life is (consider revising to something less "cliche"). The ability of every organism to breathe and adapt to different environments motivated me to pursue my interest in science. To me, every little part of each organism is important. (consider inserting somewhere else, because this is a choppy sentence that doesn't really fit as the closing sentence of your 1st paragraph).
I only corrected the first paragraph grammatically. I think it does a decent job of introducing your interest in organisms. I also like the second paragraph (but it needs many grammar corrections which I'll attempt to do later if someone else doesn't do it) because it describes how each additional subject you've taken has influenced your interest and knowledge about the human body. However, the third paragraph introduces you volunteering at a hospital, but only spends a sentence or two doing so. It seems a bit sudden and could do with a little more streamlining into the rest of the essay. Perhaps introduce by saying "After I had a chance to test my interests in the real world by volunteering at a local hospital, I discovered my ideal job" or something. Also, the bit about helping people seems a little sudden since all you've talked about up till this point was purely centered around your academic interests.
Overall, this essay has a good foundation, but needs some polishing up. I hope this helped!
