kiwiii
Mar 9, 2020
Writing Feedback / The difference between men and women jobs [3]
In the first place, it'll be better to use some strong or interesting topic sentence at the beginning of your explanatory paragraphs. It's still easy to understand what kinds of opinions you're trying to express through your explanation of some examples, but they're not so eye-catching without a clear and logical topic sentence.
What's more, try not to use the abbreviation like "cos" in a writing. Also, try to reread and modify your first paragraph because there's not any punctuation, and it's hard for readers to figure out the logic inside, so it seems like a clutter for us.
Meanwhile, the topic is "the difference between men and women jobs", and some certain jobs you write about in your current essay such as pilot and housewife, which are easier for people to differentiate the job difference between two genders is really adding the glory for your own essay! But more details of them will be better. Maybe you can add some practical examples for your second paragraph, or it'll be considered a filler.
In the first place, it'll be better to use some strong or interesting topic sentence at the beginning of your explanatory paragraphs. It's still easy to understand what kinds of opinions you're trying to express through your explanation of some examples, but they're not so eye-catching without a clear and logical topic sentence.
What's more, try not to use the abbreviation like "cos" in a writing. Also, try to reread and modify your first paragraph because there's not any punctuation, and it's hard for readers to figure out the logic inside, so it seems like a clutter for us.
Meanwhile, the topic is "the difference between men and women jobs", and some certain jobs you write about in your current essay such as pilot and housewife, which are easier for people to differentiate the job difference between two genders is really adding the glory for your own essay! But more details of them will be better. Maybe you can add some practical examples for your second paragraph, or it'll be considered a filler.