Posts by nike t

nike t

Oct 17, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App 150 word short answer, My Favorite Sport [6]

I guess I should use a more detailed title this time lol. The prompt is: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience). So here's my short answer, it's about Ultimate Frisbee, my favorite sport:

Draft 1:

Legs pumping, arms swinging, eyes set on that spinning disc slicing through the air. I reach into the sky to snatch the Frisbee from the tips my opponent's fingers. The disc leaves my hand and soars through the air as my blocker fails to block my pass. I'm off sprinting to the end zone. With adrenaline rushing and my heartbeat in my ear, I feel the familiar touch of the disc in my hand as I enter the end zone. Victory. Ultimate Frisbee releases the competitive beast awaiting inside me. I anxiously wait on the goal line with the opposing team on the other side of the field. The disc is thrown and I leave behind my old self as I tear down the field to meet my mark. Win or lose, the perfect plays and the defensive blocks reward me with the ultimate satisfaction, knowing I can do anything.

Draft 2:

Legs pumping, arms swinging, eyes set on that spinning disc slicing through the air. I reach into the sky to snatch the Frisbee from the tips my opponent's fingers. The disc leaves my hand and soars through the air as my blocker fails to block my pass. I'm off sprinting to the end zone. With adrenaline rushing and my heartbeat in my ear, I feel the familiar touch of the disc in my hand as I enter the end zone. Victory. Ultimate Frisbee releases the competitive beast awaiting inside me. It reveals another side of me that nobody knows Competing with others helps me unwind. Striving to be the better player, I use my pent up energy to push myself to run faster and jump higher. I love Ultimate Frisbee because win or lose, the perfect plays and the defensive blocks reward me with the ultimate satisfaction.

I feel like the first draft is too much of a story and doesn't tell enough about my love of Ultimate Frisbee? What do you guys think?

nike t

Oct 18, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App 150 word short answer, My Favorite Sport [6]

Thanks for the feedback, I'll look into this cliche thing. Now that you point it out I see it. 谢谢.

nike t

Oct 18, 2009

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay DRAFT (UPenn, Columbia, NYU, Boston U, Northwestern) [3]

To my surprise, however, a sympathetic gloom of sorts enshrouded my parents' countenances, as my siblings and I celebrated. All was not said. Mamey, my mom, due to some complicated technicality with her visa, would not be migrating to Hawaii with us.

Without Mamey, what will happen to us? Where will I go for advice? Who is going to tie my shoes? The thought of life without Mamey consumes me. In fact, it so completely absorbs me that the long drive to the dreaded airport seems fleeting. Only until the loud hum of the car stopped do I snap back to reality: we've arrived at the airport, ready to depart.

The paragraph in italics seems, to me, a little awkward in present tense, like at this very moment it consumes you. I feel as though the story might be better in past tense.

nike t

Oct 18, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App 150 word short answer, My Favorite Sport [6]

Alright so I revised it a bit. Took some of your advice, and changed it because it didn't seem cohesive enough. I shortened the story part and added more stuff that makes more sense I think:

With my legs pumping, my arms swinging, my heartbeat in my ear, and my eyes set on that spinning disc slicing through the air, I reach into the sky to snatch the Frisbee from the tips my opponent's fingers. With my blocker in my face I spot my teammate cutting into the end zone. My opponent narrowly misses the disc as I throw it and my teammate makes the catch. Victory. Ultimate Frisbee releases my dormant competitive nature. It reveals a side of me that nobody sees. I transform from a nerdy Asian kid to an Ultimate player. I push to run faster, throw straighter, and jump higher to be the better player. On the field, every ounce of my being goes into playing the best that I can. The perfect plays and defensive blocks reward me with the ultimate satisfaction. I work hard to be an Ultimate Frisbee player.

nike t

Oct 25, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Essay-a person who has had a significant influence on you [3]

Personally I don't think that the child with the crane has anything to do with the essay as a whole. And yes, the english does need a bit of work. It seems to be the verbs that are in wrong tenses, wrongly spelled.

I also don't understand how missing a page of the quiz has to do with being bad at english, does that mean that you forgot to do it, or you screwed up a whole page of the quiz? If it is the latter, i don't think that colleges would like to see that you got your teacher to let you retake a page of the quiz. If it is the former, then I still don't see how forgetting to do a page of the quiz works with showing you're bad at english, but still pulled through and worked to get better at english.

Also I don't know how significant saying that you learned perseverance from someone will be to the colleges. They probably get many essays that say something like that. Not that I'm saying your experience is dull or anything, I'm just saying that many other students may use something similar.

And what does confronted with retards mean?

Hope all this helps a bit.