I guess I should use a more detailed title this time lol. The prompt is: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience). So here's my short answer, it's about Ultimate Frisbee, my favorite sport:
Draft 1:
Legs pumping, arms swinging, eyes set on that spinning disc slicing through the air. I reach into the sky to snatch the Frisbee from the tips my opponent's fingers. The disc leaves my hand and soars through the air as my blocker fails to block my pass. I'm off sprinting to the end zone. With adrenaline rushing and my heartbeat in my ear, I feel the familiar touch of the disc in my hand as I enter the end zone. Victory. Ultimate Frisbee releases the competitive beast awaiting inside me. I anxiously wait on the goal line with the opposing team on the other side of the field. The disc is thrown and I leave behind my old self as I tear down the field to meet my mark. Win or lose, the perfect plays and the defensive blocks reward me with the ultimate satisfaction, knowing I can do anything.
Draft 2:
Legs pumping, arms swinging, eyes set on that spinning disc slicing through the air. I reach into the sky to snatch the Frisbee from the tips my opponent's fingers. The disc leaves my hand and soars through the air as my blocker fails to block my pass. I'm off sprinting to the end zone. With adrenaline rushing and my heartbeat in my ear, I feel the familiar touch of the disc in my hand as I enter the end zone. Victory. Ultimate Frisbee releases the competitive beast awaiting inside me. It reveals another side of me that nobody knows Competing with others helps me unwind. Striving to be the better player, I use my pent up energy to push myself to run faster and jump higher. I love Ultimate Frisbee because win or lose, the perfect plays and the defensive blocks reward me with the ultimate satisfaction.
I feel like the first draft is too much of a story and doesn't tell enough about my love of Ultimate Frisbee? What do you guys think?
With my legs pumping, my arms swinging, and my eyes concentrating on that spinning disc slicing through the air, I reach into the sky to snatch the Frisbee from the tips my opponent's fingers. The disc leaves my hand and soars through the air as my blocker fails to block my pass. I'm off sprinting to the end zone. With adrenaline rushing and my heart beating, I feel the familiar touch of the disc in my hand as I enter the end zone. Victory. Ultimate Frisbee releases the competitive beast awaiting inside of me. It reveals another side of me that nobody knows. Competing with others helps me unwind. Striving to be the better player, I use my pent up energy to push myself to run faster and jump higher. I love Ultimate Frisbee because win or lose, the perfect plays and the defensive blocks reward me with the ultimate satisfaction.
Ehh...too much cliches. "adrenaline rushing" "competitive beast" "because win or lose..."
Other than that, 很好！
Thanks for the feedback, I'll look into this cliche thing. Now that you point it out I see it. 谢谢.
Alright so I revised it a bit. Took some of your advice, and changed it because it didn't seem cohesive enough. I shortened the story part and added more stuff that makes more sense I think:
With my legs pumping, my arms swinging, my heartbeat in my ear, and my eyes set on that spinning disc slicing through the air, I reach into the sky to snatch the Frisbee from the tips my opponent's fingers. With my blocker in my face I spot my teammate cutting into the end zone. My opponent narrowly misses the disc as I throw it and my teammate makes the catch. Victory. Ultimate Frisbee releases my dormant competitive nature. It reveals a side of me that nobody sees. I transform from a nerdy Asian kid to an Ultimate player. I push to run faster, throw straighter, and jump higher to be the better player. On the field, every ounce of my being goes into playing the best that I can. The perfect plays and defensive blocks reward me with the ultimate satisfaction. I work hard to be an Ultimate Frisbee player.
I think it's inevitable to refer to some cliches since we can not create a complete new wisdom of life...but we can relate the "cliche" closer to personal anecdote...
Try to show your passion. Not the sport itself. The reader knows how the game works. But dont worry. Many of us, including myself, are having a hard time condensing.
