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Posts by Arwen
Joined: Oct 23, 2009
Last Post: Jan 20, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 10  

Displayed posts: 11
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Arwen   
Oct 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Why engineering at Ryerson admission essay; 'fascinated with mathematics' [9]

This is my essay for admission to ryerson, can someone please check it and edit it. Please and thank you!

Ever since I was a child, I was fascinated with the worlds of mathematics and science and their applications in the real world. My father, a mechanical engineer, was one of the people who inspired me to continue in the two fields while taking me along with him in order to experience the world of engineering first hand. With that in hand, I dedicated my senior years into studying the sciences and mathematics with a future goal of applying to engineering at university; however I had gained a new passion in genetics and biomaterials as I sought to minor in biology.

My biology teacher organized a trip to the University of Toronto to listen to various lecturers about their work in the field. One of the lecturers was a biomedical engineer who worked under a contracting agency that develops medical devices and prosthetics for doctors at hospitals. He spoke of his work, the hardships he had to overcome in university in terms of school work but most of all his enjoyment and passion towards what he does. I knew of the difficulty of engineering programs but this combination of biology with engineering ignited my passion to new levels as I had discovered the perfect link between the two and I would strive to accomplish my goal no matter how difficult it might be just like the biomedical engineering lecturer.

I had concluded that my future was at Ryerson for their biomedical engineering program, upon learning that it was the first ever stand alone biomedical engineering program in Canada. Yet I had to reject my offer due to sudden family problems that eventually led to financial issues and me taking a year off to recuperate. After a time of hardship, things slowly returned to normal and I have taken advantage of this gap year by volunteering at Rouge Valley hospital, as a technician aid at Mondeo Mechanic and working as a surgical assistant at Yorkville Eye center. My time at Rouge Valley and Yorkville has given me great insight and experience into the medical field, while volunteering at Mondeo Mechanic has infused me with engineering experience as I have learned various aspects from installations of materials to understanding and developing AutoCAD drawings. Such experiences have matured me and shown me the possibility of using such skills to design equipment that will help patients and improve our healthcare system.

Ryerson is the best place for me to accomplish my passionate goal of becoming a biomedical engineer. The integration of biology, medicine and health into an engineer field will give me the skills to benefit in both engineering and the life sciences. With Ryerson's first ever stand-alone biomedical engineering program, I hope to gain the knowledge and skills I need to enhance the well-being of many lives, to invent prosthetics that will aid those without limbs and create and indulge myself into researching new technology that will improve our health care system for years to come.
Arwen   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Short Activity Essay for Common App - Volunteering in Ecuador [5]

It is actually a very well written paragraph that clearly defines what you did in Ecuador, however if you could please provide some sort of prompt in order to truly understand what you are actually writing about and why, then I can give you a more detailed feedback. Right now the only part that I find confusing is "conversing with the children in broken english"....I guess I just do not understand you wording there...but it could just very well be me. But really it is a very good written paragraph!
Arwen   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Overcoming Illness - I am proud of what I have learned from it; UC Prompt 2 [3]

For example, Model United Nations, an international debate program, can be a very stressful and nerve-racking experience for a student. While standing in front of up to one hundred people with my legs shaking and heart racing, I know in the back of my mind that I will persevere. The lessons learned from facing such a dire circumstance have transcended over all my endeavors.

That seems like you just tossed it in there...it sounds like fluff...what is its relevance??
Arwen   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "My Volunteering Experience with Kids" -- UC Prompt #2 [4]

I have also picked up learned that growing up involves giving back to society and the people around it.

Some even tried to make conversation converse with me

One weekend, the kids and I we ventured out onto the temple playground and started a simple game of handball. (do not use "the kids and I" so often!)

A ball being thrown back and forth, I would not want to be playing this activity every single day.
(A bit confusing, you change tenses and the sentence sounds incomplete)

Yet, on this weekend, "handball" was a became a bonding activity.

Really good essay! Get others to edit it and give you their input
Arwen   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / 'international relations course' - STANFORD INTELLECTUAL VITALITY [4]

Wow, you did take on a very academic approach when you wrote this and it is very well written. My only critique is that your essay sounds like your just stating what you learned and did, not how you actually found it engaging...well not clearly anyhow. But really, its a well written essay!!
Arwen   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Challenging the Impossible - Any one check my commonapp essay for Harvard [3]

"I made it this time!After seven rounds of competition,from my hometown SuiZhou to Hubei province,to the National Final and then to the the stage of CCTV 10 to be broadcast nation-wide.I have learnt so much and made so many friends from across the whole China!"I was meditating in ecstasy after boarding the train at the end of this great journey to go home.All the efforts finally paid out.

This should be deleted or fixed somehow; its too broken and it fails to draw in your reader to continue reading on

"Dump idiot,he ain't even know who he is,living in such a small town like SuiZhou,how are you gonna compete with all the other kids from Beijing or Shanghai plus many other metropolitan cities?","hell yeah,most of them have even been abroad for several years,not a good idea to compete with them in speaking English".

Remove this...explain your troubles without quoting others who sneered at you, such as:

True indeed,when I first started to learn English,T here were no big English-teaching Institutes like the New Oriental(even if there is one,we couldn't afford it anyway) that my parents would be able to afford. M y parents couldn't utter more than a few sentences and I don'tdid not even have relatives out of this city.

(BE CAREFUL OF YOUR TENSE!)
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