This is my essay for admission to ryerson, can someone please check it and edit it. Please and thank you!
Ever since I was a child, I was fascinated with the worlds of mathematics and science and their applications in the real world. My father, a mechanical engineer, was one of the people who inspired me to continue in the two fields while taking me along with him in order to experience the world of engineering first hand. With that in hand, I dedicated my senior years into studying the sciences and mathematics with a future goal of applying to engineering at university; however I had gained a new passion in genetics and biomaterials as I sought to minor in biology.
My biology teacher organized a trip to the University of Toronto to listen to various lecturers about their work in the field. One of the lecturers was a biomedical engineer who worked under a contracting agency that develops medical devices and prosthetics for doctors at hospitals. He spoke of his work, the hardships he had to overcome in university in terms of school work but most of all his enjoyment and passion towards what he does. I knew of the difficulty of engineering programs but this combination of biology with engineering ignited my passion to new levels as I had discovered the perfect link between the two and I would strive to accomplish my goal no matter how difficult it might be just like the biomedical engineering lecturer.
I had concluded that my future was at Ryerson for their biomedical engineering program, upon learning that it was the first ever stand alone biomedical engineering program in Canada. Yet I had to reject my offer due to sudden family problems that eventually led to financial issues and me taking a year off to recuperate. After a time of hardship, things slowly returned to normal and I have taken advantage of this gap year by volunteering at Rouge Valley hospital, as a technician aid at Mondeo Mechanic and working as a surgical assistant at Yorkville Eye center. My time at Rouge Valley and Yorkville has given me great insight and experience into the medical field, while volunteering at Mondeo Mechanic has infused me with engineering experience as I have learned various aspects from installations of materials to understanding and developing AutoCAD drawings. Such experiences have matured me and shown me the possibility of using such skills to design equipment that will help patients and improve our healthcare system.
Ryerson is the best place for me to accomplish my passionate goal of becoming a biomedical engineer. The integration of biology, medicine and health into an engineer field will give me the skills to benefit in both engineering and the life sciences. With Ryerson's first ever stand-alone biomedical engineering program, I hope to gain the knowledge and skills I need to enhance the well-being of many lives, to invent prosthetics that will aid those without limbs and create and indulge myself into researching new technology that will improve our health care system for years to come.
The last paragraph sounds like an advertisement on a video, trying to convince students to come to Ryerson. That either needs to be reworked or deleted. You don't want to sound like you are already there.
ok, I see I'll fix it. How is everything else? Anything else wrong....should I keep why I applied last year but had to opt out and take a year off...any other criticism would be much obliged. Thank you
I now believe that Ryerson is the best university which will aid place for me to accomplish m y goal of becoming a biomedical engineer. Ryerson's grand location at the heart of downtown provides an excellent Don't write about the location in the last para. The last para is your grand finale, the profound final thoughts.
In fact, don't write about the location at all; it always sounds like a brochure when kids do that.
Location is sort of a superficial reason for choosing a school...
Instead of...new passion in the biological field of science,... you should write:
new passion for (name a particular kind of biology)
It really reflects a serious student; you are doing well! Go help some other people and ask them to gie their advice about your essay -- multiple perspectives!
can someone pls edit and comment?!
...with the worlds of mathematics and science...
I now believe that Ryerson is the best place for me to accomplish my goal of becoming a biomedical engineer. -----> why is it better than the other schools ou could attend?
The integration of biology, medicine and health into an engineer field will give me the skills to benefit in both engineering and the life sciences. ----> oh, this sounds like a program that makes Ryerson a better choice. What is it about this program that will satisfy you intellectually?
With Ryerson's first ever stand-alone biomedical engineering program, I hope to gain...
Maybe near the end, you can give more details about your specific interests and Ryerson's qualities that excite you as an aspiring scientist.
Thank again EF_Kevin....I owe you one...well two
Ryerson is the best place for me to accomplish my passionate goal of becoming a biomedical engineer. --- the goal can't be passionate. And your goal should consist of more than becoming an engineer. It should involve a plan for making your own unique, brilliant contribution.
A great example I just saw is Emily Pilloton; google her for inspiration!
...benefit in both engineering and the life sciences... see, the goal to "benefit" is not very meaningful. I'm asking you to get specific with a plan that can only be achieved through the use of resources and learning experiences at Ryerson.
... enhance the well-being of many lives, to invent prosthetics that will aid those without limbs and create and indulge myself into researching new technology that will improve our health care system for years to come. ----- now this is the good stuff right here!! Who is one of the people you admire for making a contribution like this? Go deep into the process of letting the reader know your ideas about this field you are entering. Go deep into the explanation for how you came to choose Ryerson over others.
You are making good progress!!!
EF_Kevin I cannot thank you enough...buddy I should include you in my essay for making an enormous contribution to my essay, and not more then once or twice or even three times
