donfilipe
Oct 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Vassar College Supplement Essay - "How did you learn about Vassar...?" [9]
I second Bridget's statement for the Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway section. I don't think you should include this at all. It seems to have little relevance to anything about going to Vassar, aside from emulating celebrities. Which I doubt is the point you're trying to make.
Also, there are a few sentences that I would like to point out, all of which seem a little generic in their wording.
"The hunt for the right college loomed and it was daunting."
"A peculiar sensation surged through my chest."
"I hungered to know more."
All of these sentences are portraying great concepts within your story, but they employ some unnatural vocabulary.
"Additionally, Vassar's proximity to New York City would be a major plus."
The structure of this sentence is unbalanced. You start of with great prose and then your ending sounds very common, and, it might as well have "dude" to close. "Major plus" is what needs to be replaced.
Other than that, I am slightly jealous of this essay. You present yourself very well to a stranger, and you stay consistent with your personality from the opening to closing line. Overall, this is great and I still can't get over the "...because Vassar and I, we go way back." Pure genius!
Good Luck!
I second Bridget's statement for the Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway section. I don't think you should include this at all. It seems to have little relevance to anything about going to Vassar, aside from emulating celebrities. Which I doubt is the point you're trying to make.
Also, there are a few sentences that I would like to point out, all of which seem a little generic in their wording.
"The hunt for the right college loomed and it was daunting."
"A peculiar sensation surged through my chest."
"I hungered to know more."
All of these sentences are portraying great concepts within your story, but they employ some unnatural vocabulary.
"Additionally, Vassar's proximity to New York City would be a major plus."
The structure of this sentence is unbalanced. You start of with great prose and then your ending sounds very common, and, it might as well have "dude" to close. "Major plus" is what needs to be replaced.
Other than that, I am slightly jealous of this essay. You present yourself very well to a stranger, and you stay consistent with your personality from the opening to closing line. Overall, this is great and I still can't get over the "...because Vassar and I, we go way back." Pure genius!
Good Luck!