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Posts by donfilipe
Joined: Oct 26, 2009
Last Post: Dec 15, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 4  

Displayed posts: 6
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donfilipe   
Oct 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Vassar College Supplement Essay - "How did you learn about Vassar...?" [9]

I second Bridget's statement for the Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway section. I don't think you should include this at all. It seems to have little relevance to anything about going to Vassar, aside from emulating celebrities. Which I doubt is the point you're trying to make.

Also, there are a few sentences that I would like to point out, all of which seem a little generic in their wording.
"The hunt for the right college loomed and it was daunting."
"A peculiar sensation surged through my chest."
"I hungered to know more."
All of these sentences are portraying great concepts within your story, but they employ some unnatural vocabulary.

"Additionally, Vassar's proximity to New York City would be a major plus."
The structure of this sentence is unbalanced. You start of with great prose and then your ending sounds very common, and, it might as well have "dude" to close. "Major plus" is what needs to be replaced.

Other than that, I am slightly jealous of this essay. You present yourself very well to a stranger, and you stay consistent with your personality from the opening to closing line. Overall, this is great and I still can't get over the "...because Vassar and I, we go way back." Pure genius!

Good Luck!
donfilipe   
Oct 27, 2009
Writing Feedback / Brave New World and Today's Societal Parallels [5]

I am attempting a new, very unstructured technique. I may fail miserably, but Jane Schaffer may be the death of me if I don't find my own organization.

The King of Kings, Our Ford
Religions, in whatever form, have had a monopoly on society for centuries. Education, science, cultural values and beliefs all depend on the permission of a dominating religious institution. Christianity has not only recognized this control, but also taken complete advantage of its power. Religion restricts the society of Aldous Huxley's Brave New World with fear of ostracization and representative divine authority just as in societies today.

The outcasts of the state receive the same consequences as the outcasts of heaven. Bernard was marginalized among the Alphas due to his physical stature and appearance. Because of this disability, he resorted to separate values and morals, such as his views on promiscuity, than conditioning intended. He coveted acceptance within his caste, even at the cost of his integrity. At the first chance he is given to integrate, he takes the opportunity by selling out John for popularity. Individuals of all religions constantly hide or refrain from their normal activities because of the reactions they may receive from fellow members. The citizens of both worlds fear the consequences of deviating from cardinal rules and expectations. When they are not completely adhering to the expected behaviors, they hide away in hopes that on the surface they appear traditional. The citizens of the state fear unconventional conduct. Not by their own intuition, but because of the consequences of rebellion. Anyone who displays signs of defiance was subjected to banishment from the state. This should appear reminiscent of the Christian purgatory, hell. Those who did not follow the state, God, were supporters of deviance, Satan, and sent away to an island, hell. Just as religion has used the terror of the underworld to motivate its followers into piety, the Brave New World controls its citizens into orthodoxy with the fear of a remote island; Iceland, Samoa, The Marquesas. The specific location really does not matter; the idea is the only real fear. When Bernard is given the opportunity to emigrate by Mustapha Mond, he pleads to stay. " 'Oh, please don't send me to Iceland. I promise I'll do what I ought to do. Give me another chance. Please give me another chance' " (Huxley, 184). His conditioning has served him well enough to panic at the thought of officially becoming an outcast to society. The interests of the state to terrorize its citizens into orthodoxy have been molded by the basic religious fear of hell through the interpretations of the highest class.

The aristocratic members of society in Brave New World and today use divine beings as scapegoats to broadcast their doctrine. An ordinary official of government could not influence moral standards into society with their own authority; but a supreme, unearthly jurisdiction has that potential. At Mustapha Mond's first appearance in the novel, his speech is regarded as sacred. "...he was going to stay, to stay, yes, and actually talk to them ... straight from the horse's mouth. Straight from the mouth of Ford himself" (Huxley, 23). Mond's principles are taken credulously, and his prestige is that of a prophet of God. The relationship between Ford and Mond is the spiritual connection between God and religious figureheads such as the Pope or the President of a church. These worldly leaders use the supremacy of the Lord's, or Ford's, word to state their own concepts. This could include making completely new laws or interpreting the historical texts individually to concern the morality of current societal issues. Mond not only speaks in the name of Ford, causing his judgment to be revered, but adapts My Life and Work, by Our Ford to his motives. The malleable concepts of that doctrine are the sole source of concrete belief in the state. Mond is the only other foundation of principles, and with the voice of Ford himself, maintains complete rights over the book and the knowledge within it that is taught to society. Although Henry Ford may not be a specific deity, his adoration resembles that of God's, allowing the one wielding his authority, Mustapha Mond, the same adoration and power.

The social impact of religion has less to do with spirituality than it does with the institutional form of the church. Aldous Huxley satirized and exaggerated the practices of religion within the novel, but he unintentionally left the basis of Christianity's control on society intact. Divine authority, Our Ford, holds the power and reverence to society. His prophet, Mustapha Mond, has the tangible ability to act on this power. God is nowhere; God is now here.
donfilipe   
Oct 27, 2009
Writing Feedback / Brave New World and Today's Societal Parallels [5]

I would love to, but, I am a high school student with as much freedom in my writing as a prisoner does with recreational activities. There is a strict "one topic per paragraph" rule. I think after I turn this in, I will talk to her about the flexibility of that structure. You would think as a senior in an AP class we would be done with basic writing principles. Evidently, we are not.

Thank you for your time and reply, though. This gives me some confidence and the motivation to question my teacher's expectations.
donfilipe   
Oct 27, 2009
Writing Feedback / Brave New World and Today's Societal Parallels [5]

@mattsaysfierce- I would certainly hope you turned yours in! I am in your class and I stayed home today to specifically work on this. Thank you for your support. I rarely feel confidence in my own writing, so, this kind of feedback truly helps.
donfilipe   
Oct 27, 2009
Undergraduate / SHORT ANSWER:Double Bass Am I going on a right direction? and Grammar help [6]

The first couple of sentences were a little uneasy to me. I was apprehensive to where the story was going and how well it would be achieved. Once I passed those first two sentences, though, your writing started to resonate with me, not just your bass.

As for those rough sentences:
"Every day, I observe..."
College essays are meant to represent you. Observe sounds extremely formal. This short answer should be more personal than that.

"...asylum for my mental health."
The wording on this makes my mind stumble, and I am not really quite sure what you're trying to say. Asylums, to me, are not any sort of help. I would suggest some metaphor that at the surface rings true.
donfilipe   
Dec 15, 2009
Essays / "With Such Dexterity to Incestuous Sheets" [2]

The first couple paragraphs of a character analysis of Gertrude from Hamlet. I'm worried that the second paragraph doesn't seem like its full focus is on Gertrude. Somehow, everything ends up about Hamlet. Suggestion on rewording to change that would be great!

Gertrude, Prince Hamlet's mother, has the history of a character without boundaries and a necessary maternal compassion. Most look to her illogical, treacherous actions and voice their opinion concerning her loyalty and ignorance. Although, this shallow analysis concludes from a mind with a naïve notation toward Gertrude's reasoning. With an intricate look into her efforts, the lies she spreads and the faithfulness she tosses around portrays a deeper haste to a consideration for all of the men in her life.

Hamlet's commission to murder has little relevance to anything but his parental sympathy. Seeking revenge may be the primary reason for his compliance, but his mother's position of adulterous love has become an ulterior motive. He has the yearning to liberate her because of their relationship, incestuous or not. Without Gertrude, the mother he cares for immensely, Hamlet would have no reason to comply within the prison walls of Elsinore. This woman, simple in her doings as she may be, is the sole reason our tragic hero, Hamlet, remains in the turmoil; and, the only tangible incentive that continuously refuels his cause for vengeance. Gertrude's involvement in the play essentially develops as the rationale for Hamlet not to flee the state. Without her, the tragic ending to this tragedy would not exist.
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