Undergraduate / UT App Essay B obesity [6]

I would elaborate a bit on your "passion for obesity." How have you pursued it? How does it personally affect you (the essay is about an issue and its significance to you, after all - I could sit and write an essay about quantum mechanics, but I don't really give a flip about it so it wouldn't be very good). Also, I would eliminate that exclamation point in the intro... I don't think it's really necessary. And yeah, I would rephrase the part where you say you want to "end" obesity.

Good luck :)

Undergraduate / "stress and dermatitis" UC prompt 1 [5]

What was the prompt?

The part about dermatitis seems to really stick out. I would try to tie it more fluidly to the meat of your essay. If I were the admissions officer reading this, I would see that and say "huh?" until I got to your very last sentence. Just try to craft your essay so that the reader is sure that the bit about dermatitis is relevant to your thesis. Also, there are a few grammar/word choice errors, but the most prominent one I see is in your last sentence... it's sort of redundant.

"...Eventually, the redness, dryness and peeling around my eyes and at home(no need to put "at home" twice) healed, after a slow process(to me, "Eventually... after a slow process" sounds kind of repetitive, but that's just my opinion) and so did things at home." That's just a basic suggestion, though... obviously, you're the one writing the essay, and I'm no professional, so take what I say with a grain of salt...

Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / "People just keep changing"; What motivates people to change? For SAT [5]

When you write your essay, you'd do yourself a big favor and save some time by not writing so ornately. The CollegeBoard people don't want purple prose.

You really don't have a thesis statement - at least, if you do, it's buried and very subtle. "Ethos and nomes of morality?" What are "nomes," and what does morality have to do with the prompt? Call me a country bumpkin, but I just don't get it.

The second paragraph - sadly, I haven't read Robinson Crusoe (*dodges random flying objects*) so I was a bit baffled. You should assume that the graders haven't read it either, because if they haven't, they won't get anything out of your example unless you take care to explain the situation. Also, echoing the other person that replied, you need to introduce Robinson ("in Daniel Defoe's 'Robinson Crusoe,'...).

The third paragraph is just kind of confusing, and I really had no idea what you were trying to say. Bruno? Helio-centric theory? I hate it when people say things like this, but throughout the whole thing it sort of seemed like you were trying to substitute substantial content with impressive vocabulary. It reads almost like stream of consciousness. o_O

You don't have a well-defined conclusion. I would suggest starting a new paragraph and elaborating on that last sentence just to solidify your thesis, which isn't clear to begin with.

After the grader reads this essay, he/she should be able to concisely sum up what your point of view was and what examples you used to support it, and I really can't. I don't doubt that you have good ideas, you just need to learn how to structure them into a coherent, cohesive composition. Even if your examples aren't the best (and who can criticize you if they aren't? You only get 25 measly minutes to write the whole thing), the graders will appreciate that you've taken care to organize them in a logical manner. Good luck - get that 12.

Undergraduate / "Important issue" - Texas Common App Topic B [or c] - feedback [4]

Yeah, I think your essay should really be more of a narrative than something expository... your essay doesn't tell me anything about how the issue specifically affects you or the people around you. After all, the essay is about you - they're looking to learn more about you as a person. They want to see that you are able to write with voice. Maybe start out with an anecdote of some sort?