lahariv
Nov 15, 2009
Undergraduate / Open topic Supplement Essay about guitar-playing [9]
Intro: I really liked your introduction. I was actually looking at my finger while reading the first few sentences. :-) BUT, I thought "The motion of my left pinky is insufferably hindered by the presence of my left ring finger and vice versa. " was quite confusing. Also, Ironically, my right pinky is as straight as theirs - it's just my left one that's bent. How is that ironic? Perhaps use the word "however"?
1st paragraph: I really liked this sentence: Quite remarkable considering a bespectacled Asian boy who just got the school's ostentatious (and inconsequential) award for "highest academic achievement" was on stage not sporting a violin or seated by a piano but brandishing a guitar; an electric one at that too. But it can be re-worded because it's a run on that doesnt have a main subject since you start with quite.
2nd paragraph: Good old Pachalbel's canon :-) I poised my three functional fingers on the guitar strings moist of sweat . Moist of sweat should be placed directly after what it is describing - your fingers. Also you can remove "(drum-set manned by a friend)" . I really like this sentence "The speed of time is commensurate with one's heart rate and mine was racing."
3rd paragraph: I crunched through the verse with my special powerchords (traditional powerchords make use of the index, ring and pinky fingers; I use the index, middle and ring fingers), and as I started the entry notes of the chorus, my tummy (This word doesn't sound appropriate with the context surrounding it.) jumped, and an electrifying tinglingtingle? raced up and down my whole body. My three functional fingers danced up, down andremove and just make it an asyndeton across the fingerboard pressing, pulling, tapping andfollow last comment - this makes your actual action more visual bending Baroque melody spiced up with 21st century metal distortion. This was the musicTense change? that inspired me to play the guitar.
4th Paragraph: Maybe you can add what caused this deformity? This is the kind of music that still keeps me up late nights figuring out alternative fingerings to compositions - patching up the absence of the pinky. My bent pinky is my handicap, my stigma, my pride, and my source of inspiration. Take my middle finger from me and I will still figure out a way to play the guitar.Remove...it doesn't add on to how your pinky is your inspiration.
5th Paragraph: I think you need a stronger transition here. Also, the New Zealand twist is nice, but it doesn't add anything to your essay...it is sort of a distraction. Also, why is it a shame? It seems more as a spectacle that you can move your three fingers faster than their four.
Overall awesome essay. Hope this helps. Sorry, I like to scrutinize things :-|
Intro: I really liked your introduction. I was actually looking at my finger while reading the first few sentences. :-) BUT, I thought "The motion of my left pinky is insufferably hindered by the presence of my left ring finger and vice versa. " was quite confusing. Also, Ironically, my right pinky is as straight as theirs - it's just my left one that's bent. How is that ironic? Perhaps use the word "however"?
1st paragraph: I really liked this sentence: Quite remarkable considering a bespectacled Asian boy who just got the school's ostentatious (and inconsequential) award for "highest academic achievement" was on stage not sporting a violin or seated by a piano but brandishing a guitar; an electric one at that too. But it can be re-worded because it's a run on that doesnt have a main subject since you start with quite.
2nd paragraph: Good old Pachalbel's canon :-) I poised my three functional fingers on the guitar strings moist of sweat . Moist of sweat should be placed directly after what it is describing - your fingers. Also you can remove "(drum-set manned by a friend)" . I really like this sentence "The speed of time is commensurate with one's heart rate and mine was racing."
3rd paragraph: I crunched through the verse with my special powerchords (traditional powerchords make use of the index, ring and pinky fingers; I use the index, middle and ring fingers), and as I started the entry notes of the chorus, my tummy (This word doesn't sound appropriate with the context surrounding it.) jumped, and an electrifying tinglingtingle? raced up and down my whole body. My three functional fingers danced up, down andremove and just make it an asyndeton across the fingerboard pressing, pulling, tapping andfollow last comment - this makes your actual action more visual bending Baroque melody spiced up with 21st century metal distortion. This was the musicTense change? that inspired me to play the guitar.
4th Paragraph: Maybe you can add what caused this deformity? This is the kind of music that still keeps me up late nights figuring out alternative fingerings to compositions - patching up the absence of the pinky. My bent pinky is my handicap, my stigma, my pride, and my source of inspiration. Take my middle finger from me and I will still figure out a way to play the guitar.Remove...it doesn't add on to how your pinky is your inspiration.
5th Paragraph: I think you need a stronger transition here. Also, the New Zealand twist is nice, but it doesn't add anything to your essay...it is sort of a distraction. Also, why is it a shame? It seems more as a spectacle that you can move your three fingers faster than their four.
Overall awesome essay. Hope this helps. Sorry, I like to scrutinize things :-|