Undergraduate / Common App Short Answers -- Marching Band [3]

the parts I'm unsure about are italicized.

It is August. We wake up early -- though school has yet to start -- to go to band camp. The heat of the sun pounds against our skin as we march forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. It is September. We stay after school for practice. The sun is still strong but we don't mind as we struggle to march and play our music at the same time. It is November. The weather is cold now and we sill practice to perfect our drill. We perform every week. Afterwards we sit in the stands, eating, laughing, breathing into our instruments to keep them warm. It is our final competition. We hold our breaths as they announce the first place winner. It is us. On our way home, on the bus, we proudly sing our show tune. We remember what we love so much about marching band: music and unity.

I'm kind of iffy about using this one, since it's less traditional than the one I started on before. I thought a more creative approach would be suitable because it's for an art college. Is this a bad idea? does it defeat the purpose of a short answer?

I'd like to hear your input!
Thanks! :D

Undergraduate / Common App, Significant Expericence: Moving to Virginia [3]

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

*** NOTE: I bolded the parts of the essay I wasn't sure about. I feel like the essay is a bit melodramatic. Do you agree? Please give me your honest opinion! I'm applying to an art school by the way. Word Count: 686

Nobody knew me. The thought scared me out of my wits. My view of the world was about to spin out of its tightly-knit, familiar environment. Junior year loomed grimly before me.

My dad had taken a job in Washington DC. So in a humid July morning, I left Seoul on a plane. One minute I was in it, and the next I was watching it shrink as the plane went farther into the clouds. Then I was on the other side of the world.

Moving to Virginia was a surreal experience; I was born in the U.S. and had visited often, but still the place seemed foreign to me. The tranquility of my new suburban environment differed greatly from the chaos of the city. The streets at night were empty and had no lit-up signs floating in the dark. The skies were bright and wide, unobstructed by the tops of building and skyscrapers. People here were friendly and neighborly, and did not drive like maniacs. I didn't like it. Eventually the dreaded first day of school arrived and I went, not knowing what to expect. Trying to remember my friend's advice to "be yourself", I walked into my first class and my thoughts betrayed me as an influx of doubts rushed into my mind.

Throughout my first week I was faced with the same question from my peers: "Why do you speak English so well if you're from Korea?" It was all quite ironic. Despite the fact that I have always been an American citizen, going to an American school on an American military base, I felt like an outsider in America. I hardly ever knew what my peers were talking about when they flocked in groups, sharing gossip and making cultural references. It was a similar kind of alienation I experienced in Korean subways, where I would chatter in English with a friend and receive incredulous glares from the local people. Really the only place I felt at home was on base. My brother had left for college, my mother was working long hours, and my father had gone on a six-month deployment to Afghanistan in that same month. I felt lonelier than ever, but the solitude made me all the more determined to adjust. Surely, I was not the only one going through a culture shock; I grew up around military kids who were always on the move. If my friends could do it every other year, why couldn't I?

I realized I had been clinging on to my old life. I had been constantly comparing new school to my old school - its remarkable diversity, its intensive IB program, and its student body of 1,300 that seemed immense compared to the 600 I was used to. I had been afraid to open up to all the unfamiliarity and it was preventing me from doing what I wanted to do and being who I wanted to be. So I decided to open up. I joined clubs. I joined the marching band. I took an art class for the first time in school. Soon enough I was enjoying school and making friends from all kinds of different backgrounds.

I found out that each place had a beauty of its own, and I learned to love Virginia for its peaceful, empty streets and wide, unobstructed skies. My view of the world has expanded along with my view of the sky. I am more willing to experience things I have never experienced. Here I discovered that art is my passion. I'd always loved drawing, but had doubted the reliability in pursuing an art career. After being able to take an art class and learning how to face uncertainty I have realized that it is something I want to for the rest of my life, and that I don't need to be afraid of pursuing it. Now my goal is to do it for a living. For who could ask for more than being able to wake up every morning happy to go to work?

The image of Seoul under clouds as a sweeping grid of tiny concrete cubes is still vivid in my mind. The city that nurtured me will always remain my home, but everyone leaves home one day. It was when I left that comfort when I truly learned how to become open minded. This town that has witnessed my growth will also remain close to my heart. I know that in the future, with every bewildering new environment and challenge life will throw at me, people won't know who I am. That's fine, because I'll make sure they will.

Thank you!