Undergraduate / THIS IS WHO I AM - Commom App Writing Prompt... [4]

Hi people.

I wanted some feedback on my writing prompt for my common application.
Feels like something's missing... But what?

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I checked to see that I was securely latched onto the board. I wiped the snow off of my pants and donned my goggles, welcoming the chilly winter wind with open arms. There was little time before I had to take off and catch up to my friends. As I looked down the sugar-coated mountain, my mind began to race. The blood pumping through my ears drowned out the music blasting from my earphones. I could just barely make out the silhouette of my friends who could not resist the urge to tear down the mountain. I took a deep breath and followed down the trail. The newly waxed board glided smoothly through the deep powder, and for a second, I imagined that I was flying. When I finally caught up to my friends and gave them a disapproving gesture, they shrugged and shot back by yelling, "You took too much time!"

While everybody counts down the number of days until the start of summer vacation, I count down the number of days until the opening day of the ski resorts. As the weather gets colder, I find myself daydreaming more about the snow-covered mountain. Consequently, I end up staying up all night trying to make up the work I had missed daydreaming. Is it worth the trouble? Hell yes. See, most people consider snowboarding as simply a recreational sport or hobby. For me, however, snowboarding is more than just a seasonal hobby or stress-reliever. It is a stimulus that helps me bring out who I really am. It brings out all the positive qualities in me that people usually do not see in school. When I go snowboarding with my friends, it surprises them that the slow, geeky, and dull Asian who cares too much about his grades can turn into such an energetic and carefree person on the mountain.

Snowboarding teaches me how to push myself to the limit while remaining patient at the same time. Think of it as equilibrium - I need to find the perfect balance between urging myself and having patience to not only get through the season safely but also learn new tricks. The consequences followed by failure are too great; surely, anybody would agree that to end up on a stretcher with a broken bone or a concussion is not worth taking the risk. However, the feeling of success when I land that trick I have been straining to perfect for years is indescribable. I guess being patient really pays off in a situation like this.

The night-lights slowly turned off one by one behind us as if to signal that it was time for us to go home for the season. We went down the slope as slowly as we possibly could, savoring the last moment on the mountain, like how I savor the last piece of chocolate, before we had to return to normal life. As the season came to an end yet again, I separated my bindings from the board, wiped them clean one last time, and carefully put the gear into the appropriate boxes and bags. I put the board bag deep inside my closet, where it will hibernate undisturbed until next season. I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling, and wondered when the first snow would come for next season.

Question:
Do you think there is enough THIS IS WHO I AM in there?
If not, some advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks.

Undergraduate / "Checkmate!" Shogi, or Chinese Chess Common App Essay! [4]

Please, feel free to rip it apart and I do accept friendly criticisms.

I do have a lot of grammar errors because English is my secondary language and I have yet to "perfect" it. I would appreciate it if you guys can fix the errors Don't bash on me because grammar is terrible! I'm easily hurt T.T

Thanks in advance!

Topic is "most influencial person".

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"Promise me one thing, Hae Jun." My grandfather demanded as he slapped the Shogi, or Chinese Chess, board with his red king to avoid the check. I scanned the board and put on my devilish smile. I put my blue rook into position, threw up my arms, and yelled, "Checkmate!" After hundreds of matches, I had finally beaten him. Half of his face smiled while the other half frowned - a lingering effect of the stroke. When I finally settled down, he pointed to his king and said, "Promise me you will conquer the world like this king, no matter how difficult it seems and how many tries it takes," I held out my pinky, and I said "Pinky promise."

In the summer of year 2007, I finally met my grandfather whom I haven't seen in ten years. Old age and two cases of stroke had crushed my image of the healthy grandfather I had in my childhood memories. He was in a wheelchair, with his back hunched forward, his face was pale like a ghost, and his eyes seemed lifeless, focusing on nothing. It was hard for me to even talk to him, let alone look at him. I dreaded the fact that he would be staying at my house.

My initial feelings quickly subsided, however, when he introduced me to the game of Shogi. Through a common hobby, we were able to establish a special relationship very quickly. Not only was I able to bond with my grandfather in a short amount of time, but I was also able to be mature as I played more games with him. I learned to be patient; I had to grow accustomed to sitting in front of the game board, thinking of my next move while I waited for my grandfather to make his move. I also had to get used to accepting losses which was a hard for me because I was so hot-headed and stubborn.

Only a few days after I had finally beaten him in Shogi, he made a devastating announcement that broke my heart. He told me and my family that he felt homesick and wanted to go back to Korea. On the day he left, we both made another promise that we would both stay healthy until I visited him. He firmly locked his pinky onto mine. This promise was broken, however, when he passed away the following winter. A week after his death, I received a short letter that he had sent me. Inside the envelope was the blue Shogi king piece. He attached a note: "My dearest grandson, I would not have made you promise to take on the world and conquer it if I did not believe that you could do it. You will face many challenges and obstacles and I can't tell you that it will be easy, but I know you will come through. More importantly, you pinky promised me, remember? So here's my last challenge that I bestow upon you: Checkmate the world."

The blue king now hangs above the mirror in my room. Every morning, I open my closet and I am instantly reminded of the promise I had made with my grandfather. This king is my motivation and my source of energy. I know my grandfather will be smiling brightly from up above when I am finally able to say "Checkmate, world!"