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Posts by pinkapple
Joined: Dec 2, 2009
Last Post: Oct 24, 2013
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pinkapple   
Dec 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application: My Russian Soul [10]

Feedback would be great before I begin to send this into colleges.
Prompt is: Topic of your Choice.

During my first piano lesson with Ms. Elena Piastro, a St. Petersburg native, she told me I would have to learn her language. It took me a while to realize that no, this did not mean I should purchase a Russian dictionary. Instead I was to begin to understand the idiosyncrasies of her speech. Although I have been able to easily decipher most of her English, there has been one phrase that I have struggled to make sense of. When I perform a piece, Ms. Piastro always responds with the same words, "My dear you have a Russian soul!" As she continues on, my mind is still stuck on that first phrase. I am flattered, but curious to learn that my Ethiopian exterior houses a Russian being. What exactly is my "Russian soul?"

Lessons are a mixture of workshop and conversation. I am just as excited for detailing the text of Bach as I am for our weekly moment of dialogue. I will be following her lecture on the characteristics of Bach when suddenly I cannot help but ask a question about his life in Germany. Somehow the discussion will find its way to a fact about World War II, then a story about growing up in post-war Russia, and in no time we are back to the eleventh measure of Bach's prelude. When I leave my lessons I am appreciative of the work we have accomplished. Even more so, I am amazed at how the discussions and opinions of an elderly Russian immigrant and a young African-American female can still mesh. Although I take piano lessons to learn the art, I will admit that my anticipation for Wednesday nights sprouts from these conversations.

When I play piano, I indulge in the moments of music that make me smile on the outside and soar on the inside. My fingers hit the keys and I am in a state of bliss. The only thing that can bring me back down to earth is the last measure of music. It is when I am overflowing with this breathless satisfaction that I understand Ms. Piastro's language. My "Russian soul" describes the level at which we relate. Around the same time that I first made this discovery, Ms. Piastro advised me to pursue a major in music. In reply, out spilled my aspirations for a career in public health; how I wanted to participate in health policy and enact health initiatives throughout the world. She then affirmed, "If you love music, you won't be able to stop." That sincerity is what has me aiming to attain a degree in music along with one in community health.

I am slowly beginning to realize that when I leave for college there is nothing I will miss more, other than family and a few friends, than Wednesday night piano lessons. Through the past few years I have not only gained knowledge in music, but also an outlet for my interest in history, a cultural understanding, and a new friend. Perhaps my "Russian soul" is the result of my own openness. My soul cannot possibly represent a single viewpoint. It holds the concerns of a girl raised by an immigrant father and African American mother in the Minnesota suburbs. But it is not solely defined by these experiences. My soul expands through the conversations with those around me. It allows me to indulge in whatever I am doing and relate it to whomever I am doing it with.
pinkapple   
Dec 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application: My Russian Soul [10]

Thanks so much for taking the time to edit.
Wow I really wish I didn't send this into U Penn last week (although admittedly for some reason i felt the need to rush their application and as a result all my essays were a bit off..)
pinkapple   
Dec 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application: My Russian Soul [10]

Thanks guys I appreciate it.
I hurried because I have about 3 more apps to do and I had spent almost 3 weeks solely for U Penn. However as I read over my supplement I am pretty disappointed. Although I hold very high standards for myself, this is not a good feeling.

Also I wrote about a charity I work for for my interests statement not piano :p
pinkapple   
Dec 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application: My Russian Soul [10]

Also that "universality of music" line was where my essay ended. The last couple paragraphs were last-minute add-ons.
Thanks for pointing that inconsistency out.

Is there anyway I can make it flow a bit better without losing the worth of that entire paragraph? (The one about what I feel when I play)
pinkapple   
Oct 24, 2013
Undergraduate / ''Holmes adored Chicago,'' ; Favorite book; University of Chicago [3]

This is an essay for undergraduate admissions correct? I would suggest you take a spin on this essay from a different angle. Undergraduate admissions essays are supposed to be a way for adcoms to get to know you. You told us about your favorite book and why it is your favorite book, but it doesn't reveal much about your personality or interests. My suggestions would be to incorporate your academic or extracurricular interests into this essay or to focus on a favorite work that inspires you to accomplish some thing. How do you feel about re-writing this by putting a more personal spin on this?
pinkapple   
Oct 24, 2013
Undergraduate / UC Prompt "From taking ELD classes for 5 years to taking my first AP class in high school" [3]

My family faced a lot of challenges after they moved to America (from where?).
There were constant financial problems as my dad is disabled. So, my mom found work as a part time alteration lady.
***However, it was these challenges that provided me with the determination and dedication to work hard in school and have goals and dreams, one of which is to be the first in my family to attend college.*** This is a powerful sentence. Make it your opening sentence if you can!

There has been many challenging days and some unexpectedly beautiful days. From taking ELD classes for 5 years to taking my first AP class in high school, I knew I had come a long way from where I started.

One of my biggest struggles in high school was trying to balance my social life and academics. People knew me as the "shy girl" who was afraid to talk (Why?). I tried to overcome this problem by putting my fears aside and trying out for the basketball team. I fell in love with the game, and my second year of playing I made it to the Junior Varsity level(! exclamation point unnecessary, just use a period)

Good essay! Best of luck with your UC admissions!
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