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UC Prompt "From taking ELD classes for 5 years to taking my first AP class in high school"


naeisssss 2 / 1  
Oct 23, 2013   #1
"Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."

I came to America in 2002 at age 6 with no education, no background information on the country, no idea how to speak the language, and absolutely no friends. My family faced a lot of challenges as they decided to move to America. From my dad being disabled, my mom as a part time alteration lady, and constant financial problems. However, it was these challenges that provided me with the determination and dedication to work hard in school and have goals and dreams, one of which is to be the first in my family to attend college. There has been many challenging days and some unexpectedly beautiful days. From taking ELD classes for 5 years to taking my first AP class in high school, I knew I had come a long way from where I started.

One of my biggest struggles in high school was trying to balance my social life and academics. People knew me as the "shy girl" who was afraid to talk. I tried to overcome this problem by putting my fears aside and trying out for the basketball team. I fell in love with the game, and my second year of playing I made it to the Junior Varsity level! I will never forget how happy I was and how I built some of the closest friendships that I still have today. I knew I had to do something to prepare myself for college and since I had a goal to do well in school and go to college, I decided to join AVID (Advancement Via Individual) my freshmen year. AVID not only gave me confidence from all the different types of presentations we did throughout the years, but it was the reason why I challenged myself and took the rigorous courses in my school. The first time I set foot on a college campus was the time where I felt all the puzzle pieces in my life were finally coming together. I always loved when my friends would come to me and ask me to give them advice and tips on how to take good notes, or give them that little push when they felt like giving up. AVID gave me the foundation of what I should be doing and expecting out in the "real world" in order to succeed. Volunteering is one of my favorite things to do, every opportunity that I have come across I have participated in. I've been involved in The American Cancer Society's Relay for Life for the past 3 years and have also been a fundraising officer for AVID cabinet. Relay for life is an event that helps raise money and awareness to save lives from cancer. Even though, I don't have any close family members that have had cancer, I truly love being a part of something special. Being a fundraising officer was an incredible learning experience, it gave me the opportunity to become a leader and have a chance to give new ideas and ways to raise money mostly for bus trips to visit new colleges.

Never in my life would I imagine I would be the person I am today. I came to a world with nothing and made something from my education. My experiences and struggle of my parents have shaped my dreams and aspirations of becoming the first in my generation to attend college and further my knowledge and education.

Word Count:567
pinkapple 1 / 6  
Oct 24, 2013   #2
My family faced a lot of challenges after they moved to America (from where?).
There were constant financial problems as my dad is disabled. So, my mom found work as a part time alteration lady.
***However, it was these challenges that provided me with the determination and dedication to work hard in school and have goals and dreams, one of which is to be the first in my family to attend college.*** This is a powerful sentence. Make it your opening sentence if you can!

There has been many challenging days and some unexpectedly beautiful days. From taking ELD classes for 5 years to taking my first AP class in high school, I knew I had come a long way from where I started.

One of my biggest struggles in high school was trying to balance my social life and academics. People knew me as the "shy girl" who was afraid to talk (Why?). I tried to overcome this problem by putting my fears aside and trying out for the basketball team. I fell in love with the game, and my second year of playing I made it to the Junior Varsity level(! exclamation point unnecessary, just use a period)

Good essay! Best of luck with your UC admissions!
98_IIG 1 / 7  
Oct 24, 2013   #3
Using sentence structure/ writing accurately

- Varied and sophisticated sentence structures used to impressive effect
- Uses a range of punctuation highly purposefully and effectively; punctuation is another means to heighten impact of writing
- Spelling is almost always accurate; accurate spelling of specialist or less commonplace vocabulary; impressive control over even highly irregular spellings.

This might be useful


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