Posts by RHFJordan

RHFJordan

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "going to enojoy my ups" - UPENN supplimentary. [17]

Sorry if the following comes out to be a bit harsh, but this essay is not the strongest in terms of grammar and sentence structure.

I get what you're trying to say but you need to narrow it down a bit.

For example, instead of dragging on the introduction to why you are interested, actually say what you are interested in and why.
"~~Like any young kid, I myself also struggled to narrow down my interest of study that is divided in countless ways.However,~~when my brother introduced me to the opportunity to continue on my Childhood dream of becoming a doctor through Penn's prestigious science courses~~with inormally high acceptance rate and recently grown interest in the engineering and technology, I~~ knew it was just for me. Science and Technology Wing, STWing for short, is where I can continue this on."

The things in red are what is important and what you should focus on.

Just make it simple. Maybe try saying this:
When my brother introduced me to Penn's prestigious science courses, such as STWing, I knew that it was the place for me because...
Simpler is sometimes better

The following sentences are a bit repetitive

1)"I continue to make effort to follow his footst (spelling)
I longed for the day I can follow his footstool (Footstep (which one better?) footstep is better ) and become just like him."
2)"Also, UPenn, located in the city of Philadelphia, is a location where world comes together."

Awkward grammar :
1)"What caught my eye to be so determined to go to the school weren't any programs or majors"
2)"Both STWing and pre-med courses that I wish to take at UPENN isn't just a way for me to be involved in academic community, it is also for the social community."

3)"I continue to make effort to follow his footst
I longed for the day I can follow his footstool (Footstep (which one better?)) and become just like him. "

Make sure that you review your essay for spelling mistakes. Small things like that can effect your application.

RHFJordan

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "going to enojoy my ups" - UPENN supplimentary. [17]

The essay looks a lot better now; definitely more focused

It jumped me to joy that I can continue on my passion this kind of organizations. is largely project based community. (what is that sentence?)

For your conclusion I think that you should restate how diverse UPenn is, and how much it has to offer, and then maybe you can finish it all up by saying how you will benefit the larger UPenn community once you are admitted.

I'd be happy to look at the essay one more time if you want me too

Good luck

one more thing, could you help me?

and i know this is a stupid question to ask, but how do you get to the essay that you posted?

RHFJordan

Dec 29, 2009

Undergraduate / UPenn Autobiography Supplement Question- Page 217 [3]

could somebody please look over this essay?
I wrote it after having a debate with my father about the topic, and i'm hoping that the essay is good enough. feel free to be harsh

You have just completed your 300-page autobiography. Please submit page 217.

Chapter XXI:

As I cradled my newborn son in one arm, I picked up the letter with my free hand. I trembled as I read it out loud.

" Your Excellency Mr. Majaly,
President of the Jordanian Parliament,

I am writing to you as the First Secretary of the Parliament, as a woman, as a Jordanian citizen, and most importantly as a mother. I respectfully ask that you grant me permission to hold a meeting to discuss and possibly amend the Nationality Law of 1987.

The Nationality Law of 1987 states that a Jordanian man can pass on his identity to his non-Jordanian wife granted she has lived in the country for 3 years if she is an Arab national or 5 years if she is a non-Arab, as well as passing on his nationality to his children. On the other hand, a Jordanian woman marrying a non-Jordanian man can neither pass on her nationality to her children nor grant them residency permits.

Unfortunately, I have not come to understand the impact of this law until I had a child of my own. I was previously assigned as a Jordanian ambassador to discuss international marketing and international policies and regulations overseas. While abroad, I found the man of my dreams. I happily married him. However, I was unaware of the complications brought along by marrying a non-Jordanian.

As you know, my profession limits me to Jordanian grounds; I am proudly residing in my country of birth, and would like to continue to do so. However, I must now consider the newest member of my family, my son. My son cannot be granted a Jordanian citizenship, or any citizenship at this point for that matter. This means that he may not enjoy any privileges that are rightfully his by birth on Jordanian soils. Therefore, he may not have access to a proper education, receive social entitlements and health benefits, or own political rights. Although born on this glorious soil, he will live like a foreigner, needing to renew his residency permits every year.

I assure you that with further inquiring, there will be more women facing this challenge. Therefore, through calling a meeting, I would like to form a committee to investigate this matter, and find a way to amend this legislation. Not only is this law outdated, it is also considered to be discriminatory against women, and it could eventually end up violating human rights.

Respectfully yours,
Rayah Haidar Al-Farah"

"I'm proud of you" he said, as he kissed me on the forehead, and gently picked up his son from my arms.

thanks

RHFJordan

Dec 30, 2009

Undergraduate / UPenn Autobiography Supplement Question- Page 217 [3]

could you also review my UPenn supplement essay?

Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.

Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?

"All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I believe that my life is composed of multiple experiments, and I hope that one day the University of Pennsylvania will provide a number of these experiments. One aspect that attracted me to the University of Pennsylvania, and distinguished it from others, is that it manages to provide many fields for prospective students to participate in and contribute to.

For as long as I can remember, I have witnessed stereotyping and have been subject to many of it. I come from a developing Arab country, which puts me under quite a few spotlights and exposes me to many stereotypes. I believe that one of my responsibilities as an Arab is to clarify and rebut many of these potentially harmful labels. Therefore, the first organization I would join in the University of Pennsylvania is the Penn Arab Students Society (PASS). I believe that this organization would help me express my opinions more clearly, and it will help me discuss issues related to my region with whoever is interested. I can contribute to that association through my passion for political discussions, knowledge of the Middle Eastern history, and affiliation with Arab traditions and customs. This could benefit the larger Penn community simply by raising awareness regarding the Middle Eastern and generally Arab area of the world.

The second organization I would join once in UPenn is the Awareness of International Markets (AIM). Recently, I have developed a deep interest in macroeconomics, more specifically in international policies and regulations. I sometimes find myself arguing over many international affairs, basing my arguments on what I observe in the market and applying the situation to what I have learned in my economics class. Just recently, I reasoned the Netherlands' unemployment reduction plan with my uncle who had just returned from a visit. When coming back home for winter break, I found myself analyzing how can Jordan be suffering from the economic recession and still maintain highly inflated prices. Once in AIM, I can further develop my interest in international marketing, and explore the option of forming a career in that path. I believe that my knowledge and passion of macroeconomic will help me bring diversity in thought on the matter of international markets.

Despite many objections presented by the Arab society against pursuing a career in art, I have maintained a steady relationship with it, one technique in particular: etching and printmaking. Once in UPenn, I plan on joining the Art Club in order to continue working with the arts. Etching and printmaking is a beautiful technique that unfortunately is not commonly taught in schools. UPenn's Art Club will provide me with the opportunity to continue enhancing my skills in that technique without having to major in Art.

Furthermore, another aspect of the UPenn community I am interested in is the University of Pennsylvania for UNICEF. I was introduced to the UNICEF movement last year, and I was greatly impressed by what this organization accomplishes and fights for. When I join the University of Pennsylvania for UNICEF, I will be able to actively participate in, and contribute to many of the issues that UNICEF fights for. I could use some of the skills I learned when I was in UNICEF, such as designing videos to raise awareness and organizing many bake sales, to benefit the larger University of Pennsylvania community.

University of Pennsylvania manages to display many academic and social communities that each seems to be unique in its own way. It provides a large variety of activities and organizations for students to actively participate in. Through integrating myself in those diverse activities, I will maximize my experiments in life.

thanks

RHFJordan

Dec 30, 2009

Book Reports / The Picture of Dorian Gray, Brown Supplement- A book that has influenced you [2]

hey guys
I wrote this essay when I was kind of exhausted from a day's work.
could you please read it and criticize? feel free to be harsh (warning: the ending is quite bad =D)
A. Tell us about an intellectual experience, project, class, or book that has influenced or inspired you. (Word limit 500)

"There is no such thing as a good influence, Mr. Gray. All influence is immoral - immoral from the scientific point of view."

"Why?"
"Because to influence a person is to give him one's own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there are such things as sins, are borrowed."

- Lord Henry from Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray

From the moment I read The Picture of Dorian Gray, I felt the entire world around me transform. I realized that the book posses numerous subtle thoughts and ideas. The words of Oscar Wilde greatly influenced me.

When reading this spectacular book, I recalled my experience with society influencing my personal decisions. Ever since kindergarten, my mother told me that I had a particular talent in drawing. My paintings always stood out from the other blurs of art. However, the Jordanian society claims that art "does not put food on the table". This label affected my mothers' train of thought, which in return influenced mine. In response to society's pressure, my mother repeatedly asked me to pursue a career in science, and maintain art as a hobby. I now find myself constantly doubting the decision I have made; the one my mother had somewhat prearranged for me.

Another form of society's influence was manifested in my desire to become a doctor. For many years in Jordan, it has been a custom that at least one of the father's children must pursue the same career path as his. My dad is a doctor; therefore, either my siblings or I must follow in his footsteps. As I am the eldest daughter, my parents had hoped that I would be that disciple. They managed to pass on their influence to me. For five years now, I wanted to become a doctor, until I read The Picture of Dorian Gray. I did not want to be molded into a world that was already planned out for me. I detested the idea of being molded into a world that was already planned out for me; I desired to create one for my own.

However, although most influences alter a person character negatively to some extent, I recognized that the effect could sometimes be noteworthy. If I hadn't listened to my parents, I would not have learned to be so hardworking. I would not have had the courage to pursue the United World College experience. I would not have had made the choice to remain in the United States for an education. I would not have become who I am today.

The words of Oscar Wilde made me re-evaluate the entire world I live in. It made me question every thing I have learned, and every value I ever had. Although these simple words managed to shake my entire foundation, I realized that without certain influences you cannot become who you are.

RHFJordan

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / RISD + innovation - "why Brown" response--critique [8]

I like the way you approached the topic, and its very well written
Although I would advise you not to put down any other college's name.
I think that if you are applying to really strong colleges (in your case Yale, Colombia, and Brown) do not let the others know because they will eventually wonder whether they are your top choice or not. So maybe just say "other colleges" instead of naming them in particular.

and the sentence "I'm going to such a lot of classes," doesn't make a lot of sense and I think that it's grammatically incorrect

could you take a look at my UPenn supplement?