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Posts by snailmonster
Joined: Dec 29, 2009
Last Post: Dec 29, 2009
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snailmonster   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "I love rugby" and sport - Common App Personal Essay [8]

Hi everyone, I would appreciate any comments or thoughts on the following essay:

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Rugby, the sport which I have played and loved since I was 13, has defined me as a person. It has taught me dedication, trust, and most importantly, passion. On the first day of training, I was introduced to a group of strangers, kids from different schools selected through physical grading, and told that they would be my teammates. Over the course of 6 years, we endured grueling training from our coaches, and bonded over a multitude of incidents, ranging from relationship problems to common hatred of coaches or teachers. Soon enough, I developed an intense passion for the sport. I loved every aspect of it, the feeling of someone you can trust by your side, even the pain of the injuries I nursed. It was through this initial taste I experienced that I decided that passion is my greatest motivation in life.

Thanks in advance!
snailmonster   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "I love rugby" and sport - Common App Personal Essay [8]

Ah I see. Thank you so much! I had a feeling that I wasn't focused enough on my essay.. Thank you!

Here's an edited version of my essay. Please feel free to comment!

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Rugby, the sport which I have played and loved since I was 13, has defined me as a person. The most important thing that rugby has taught me, besides dedication and trust, is passion. I love every aspect of rugby. The sense of camaraderie, the joy of motivating fellow teammates, even the pain of the injuries I nursed. It was this intense passion and love for the sport that motivated me to train hard, in order to win championships. I took this burning passion that I had, and applied to my daily activities. Over the course of my years in school, I felt the need to learn and love whatever I do. I found, to my surprise, that I managed to achieve success in these areas. Passion has always been the fuel for my desire to succeed, and I believe it will be no different in the years ahead.
snailmonster   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Short answer activity--volunteering at nursing home. [7]

Perhaps you could include a specific adjective into the essay, one that best describes you. I feel that it would make your essay more clear-cut and makes the essay more structured.

The essay seems more like an anecdote rather than one that describes who YOU are...
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