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Posts by coffeeguts
Joined: Dec 30, 2009
Last Post: Dec 30, 2009
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  
From: United States of America

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coffeeguts   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / RISD + innovation - "why Brown" response--critique [8]

"Please tell us more about your interest in Brown. Why does Brown appeal to you as
a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply?"


max 1000 characters, this is 996. I was a bit uneasy on my bringing up RISD, since that's my real goal but I'm trying for the dual degree program.

--

After sitting through saccharine reassurances from Columbia ("even though we have one of the lowest acceptance rates in the country you should still apply, really!") and prestigiously stuffy boasts from Yale, I was not in the mood for more "distinguished" drivel by the time I came to Providence. But when I arrived at Brown, I was happily astonished by the open curriculum, close proximity to RISD, and rich student body. "I'm going to such a lot of classes," I thought, fidgeting as the admissions officer explained Brown's requirements. Applications, schmapplications--I wanted in now. "And I'll try for that dual degree program, and some clubs--" I practically squealed when I realized I could pursue my intended majors without compromising many other interests.

Yet Brown in conjunction with RISD radiated a sincerity and innovation that appealed to me even more than what it had to offer. It felt at once challenging, inviting and right, and damned if I wasn't going to try and be part of it!
coffeeguts   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / RISD + innovation - "why Brown" response--critique [8]

okay, thanks much! I'll be checking out your essays and revise meanwhile (oops, it was "going to take ". xD;)

I would caution you about putting down Yale and Columbia though. They all are Ivy League schools, and I don't believe appreciate being associated with saccharine and stuffy.

ahh, I was worried about that. Would it be better to go for honesty or prudence? I'm not sure how I could maneuver around them and keep the same effect. @_@
coffeeguts   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Alive, Surprising and Curious, Boston University- 3 words [7]

I was skeptical of your 3-word choice at first ("alive" seemed redundant even though I knew what you meant), but you backed them up really well and with great conviction. Great examples too, the a-day-in-the-life approach is fun to read and insightful into one's character.

I think everyone's pretty much addressed the word count and casual tone already. "Tefilah" would confuse people who don't know much about Judaism, though, if you can elaborate a bit without using valuable word space, that could be helpful.

Overall, I like it lots, it has an energy and vigor that I think colleges look for. C:

thanks again for commenting on my essay~
coffeeguts   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / NYU movie and poem and Lehigh community and equity [4]

I have no clue on 1, I'm kind of a dummy and had to look up "equity"! It sounds good and convincing, though, I like it.

Regarding the poems, though, I'd go for the second. The first sounds deeper and stylistically refined, I think, but it also seems somewhat ambiguous. I can't get much of an image of who you are from it. Even if the second doesn't sound as composed, it progresses more easily and shows more determination, potential, complexity--all of which are characteristics I assume you'd want shown.

Of course it could just be a question of preference--I don't like deep poems. :o

and three:

" " is a suspense/drama of the life of Elizabeth Mohammed, renowned scientist. After graduating from NYU, she leads a happy life, marrying her lovely husband and working for a large research company; change to another comma, I think, and/or add an "and" working on a cure for debilitating diseases. One day while taking photographs for a charity auction, she captures captures as in sees him or assaults him? I know what you mean, but the word choice could be improved a man dumping a large trash bag into the river. Knowing something is not right, Elizabeth heads home as the suspecting man glares at her. The next day she finds her lab trashed- all traces of her research in ruin, her camera gone if word count is a big issue than ignore this, but the effect could be greater with one more point--say, equipment destroyed, something like that . Can she find the killer wait, who got killed? D: and start from scratch to rebuild her life's work and find a cure?

overall it's an interesting plot and shows potential and suspense! I guess just be careful of multiple meanings and plot holes. The impact could be improved on but again, if word count is an issue I wouldn't fuss over it much.

Hope that helps? also, thanks for commenting on mine. c:
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