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Posts by KingFire
Joined: Dec 31, 2009
Last Post: Jan 15, 2010
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Posts: 12  

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KingFire   
Jan 8, 2010
Writing Feedback / toefl essay - Human is a threat to an another human [6]

Our English teacher taught us a formula that should be only used for the TOEFL.

4 pragraphs.

the introduction should include a hook, like a quotation, a joke, or a very short story.

There should be also a thesis in your introduction, where you talk about the main reasons behind your choise (usually agree or disagree)

The second paragraph is talking about the first reason. Try to back that paragraph up with some statistics or examples ( you can fake them, the TOEFL guys will not run to his phone and call you, "Excuse me sir, you wrote in your essay that 67% of female learn driving faster than men according to CNN, well I've just checked CNN and your information is false", that won't happen so be. and remmeber, your cousin has done everything!)

The third paragraph is explaining the second reason.

Then you come up with conclusion. Which should include your thesis somewhere.

If you done that right. I can guaranty that you would have at least 25 of 30 in the writing section in toefl. You just need to use some complex vocabulary to get 30 out of 30

Your introduction is weak, try to start with a hook, like, for example,

Bill Gates once said, "Would your mother wish you harm? No! then why do you harm her, and harm us in the process? Our mother earth needs our care."

Of course this hook is messy, but it's just to give you an idea.

P.S:
Can you read my A&M Essay and give me feedback.
thank you.
KingFire   
Jan 8, 2010
Undergraduate / A&M ESSAY A: Someone has an impact on you, "There Will Be Change" [7]

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

"There are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I want to earn enough money that I can get away from everyone."-Daniel Plainview

Daniel Plainview is the main character of a movie titled There Will Be Blood-played by Daniel Day-Lewis, who won an Oscar for this role-an oil man who seeks nothing but wealth. To achieve his goal he abandoned his child, killed an innocent man, stole from a naïve family, pretended to be religious, and made false promises. And what's all that for? Money. Armed by his dedication and greed, he made his dreams come true, and ended up being one of the wealthiest men in his country. But, with that came an expensive price. He was a lonely maniac. He hated everybody, especially those who tried to compete with him. He even hated his son.

Amid the snores of my friends, I finished watching that masterpiece. As the credits were rolling, I burst into tears: Everything I saw in Daniel Plainview was featured in my personality. Throughout the movie I felt my television's screen was a mirror, and I was watching myself building my empire of oil wells. I was greedy, stingy, and I envied those with wealth. I was good at school only because I enjoyed crushing my competitors. Up to that point in my life I wanted nobody to success except me. I was Daniel!

But after seeing the end of Daniel, alone in his palace, my inner self was telling me to change; I must strip myself off greed and envies; I must think of others before myself, I must give what God has loaned me, or I'll end up like Daniel.

To fight greed I had to be generous, and who is more deserving of generosity than my family? The next day I asked my family to accompany me for dinner, which would be on me. My father expected to be taken to another cheap fast-food restaurant, but he was surprised when I drove him among my family to a fancy restaurant. We had a nice meal and chattered about different topics. Then came the moment of truth, the bill was brought to me. I looked at the astonishing number with amazement. My father, putting his hand into his bucket, expected me to back off, but amid the amazement of my family I drew my purse and threw a five-hundred note on the table. The bluish king's picture on the note gave me second thoughts for a moment. His smile seemed to be mocking me, saying, "You'll regard it. Believe me" But flashbacks of Daniel's miserable end stroke me. Immediately I called the waiter and paid my dues.

A good feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment was running through my nerves: I was one step farther from greed, and I ignored a king. My father was proud of me, not for inviting the family for dinner, but for breaking the money's barrier.

From that day I thought of money as a loan, valuable papers made of cheap substances that should be returned to society. Although late, I learned that wealth is not essential for happiness, and that Daniel wasted his life for nothing. I continued to work hard to overcome my greed: I dedicated an amount of money for charity every month; walking on the streets, I've never turned back a beggar; I started to donate blood twice every year. Eating in fancy restaurants became a tradition in my family. With enthusiasm I thought I should expand my anti-greed strategy beyond giving money, so I was generous with many different things, such as time, knowledge, and help.

Being the straight A's student, I helped my mates in class to improve their academic records; I started a study group for them, answered their questions, and taught them for free.

Last year I watched the movie again. But this time I felt I was looking at the greedy Daniel Plainview and only Daniel, or at the old stingy Saud that I buried long time ago. I was proud of how different our personalities seemed to be. I enjoyed the movie even more than last time, and was able to pick up some of the good Daniel's features, such as his dedication and intellectuality. The only downside of the experience was-again-the annoying snores of my friends, which were increasing as the movie advanced. " I couldn't ask for a better soundtrack."
KingFire   
Jan 8, 2010
Undergraduate / "Indefinite Growth" - Texas A&M - My Answer to Essay B [5]

The language is great, but I can't see anything about your personality there.

It's a good start and could be improved into a great application essay.

P.S: Can you check my own essay on Texas A&M?
KingFire   
Jan 9, 2010
Speeches / What don't you know - a speech to God [25]

I don't like the concept itself. Another speech to God? At least make it less boring.

Instead, you could talk more about yourself and how you might have helped the kid, but instead there's a boring speech with God, who doesn't responses at all. ( by responding I mean, you might know the secret to happiness of that kid, or anything else.)

The first few sentenced are very weak and repetitive.

The ending is kind of weak too, "I'll yell louder next time"? really? do you YELL when you pray?

The only thing I like is the vivid description of vines, but again they seem to be out of place.

Overall this essay needs a major re-work.

Sorry If I'm harsh.

P.S: Can you check my essay on Texas A&M? Thank you in advance.
KingFire   
Jan 9, 2010
Undergraduate / University of Michigan Long Essay - Brothers Karamazov [5]

Although it has some grammatical mistakes, this is a good essay.
I think the reader would be more interesting if you threw some quotes from the book there.

Plus, since your word limit is low, we didn't need to know that the class has only 5 students and you guys joked around. You could have cut that out and focused more on the book, you could simply say that you choose that book for any different other reason (sudden interest in Russian culture, a recommendation by a friend, or anything more creative...)

This draft is good, working on it a little bit would make an outstanding essay.

P.S: Can you comment on my Texas A&M Essay?
KingFire   
Jan 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Summer of books and literature - Texas A&M essay topic A [5]

Decent essay, but you really didn't write about what they want. I mean what is the impact? you used to love books, and you just found someone who shared that with you.

This is not a believable impact IMO, you should write about someone who completely reshaped your life.

P.S: Can you comment on my essay for Texas A&M?
Thank you in advance.
KingFire   
Jan 9, 2010
Undergraduate / A&M ESSAY A: Someone has an impact on you, "There Will Be Change" [7]

Thank you for your feedback.

I'm lucky because there's almost no word limit for Texas A&M ( 9000 characters, only a novelist would cross that for a college application essay.) Shrinking that essay would be more difficult than writing a new one!

More comments and feedback are welcomed!
KingFire   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / A&M ESSAY A: Someone has an impact on you, "There Will Be Change" [7]

@Rey92: Thank you for your feedback
I agree about the Oscar part. I put it here because I had a more serious ending in mind. The ending was that how I achieved my own Oscar like how Daniel Day-Lews did. But I dropped that ending and went with a more comedy type of ending to balance the essay (since it's somewhat tragic and serious).

@Xcellerator: Awe! Thank you very much for your splendid words. Good luck in A&M, hopefully I'll join you soon!

Thank you guys.

More feedback is always welcomed.
Saud
KingFire   
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Sadness and bereavement ; "Poverty" / Issue of Importance. [3]

Man that would fail very hard.

THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT YOU THERE!

When they want you talk about a problem, try to show how did that affect you personally and shaped you. That's the point, they don't want to know about how poor your country is, for they can read in some newspaper or something similar. They want to know you better through your essay.

The vocabulary is kind of good, but with that level of vocabulary I expected better grammar and I was disappointed. There are many grammatical mistakes that should be taken care of.

Currently, I won't worry about the grammar. I would focus on giving that essay a personal touch.
KingFire   
Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / A&M ESSAY A: Someone has an impact on you, "There Will Be Change" [7]

After going through 6 drafts and 3 different English teachers I've submitted this essay along with topic B. It certainly was the most difficult essay I've ever written.

Thank you guys for your time and help
Wish me Luck!
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