Posts by GaryJiang

GaryJiang

Jan 9, 2010

Undergraduate / University of Western - Ivey - university admission essay - Leadership Potential [3]

1. This program places a high value on applicants' leadership potential. Discuss your most significant leadership achievement paying particular attention to the challenges, actions, and results achieved. Please respond using 250 words.

I believe there is no such thing as a great "natural leader." Leadership qualities are nurtured from experience, persistence, initiative and the desire to succeed. Initially, I joined my school's Volunteers in Power (VIP) club only to finish my community-service hours. However, the experience and pleasure in participating in and organizing fundraisers, charity events and promotions sparked an unexpected intrigue. I began to want more than community-service hours. I wanted to be a leader. Today, my key role as the Communications/External Affairs executive for my club has set a platform for where I am able to discover my leadership potential. This year, VIP has closely worked with the Toronto Foundation for Student Success (TFSS) in events such as the TTC coin challenge, an event geared towards raising funds to decrease student poverty. This event tested me in terms of human management, time management and communication skills. I was responsible for contacting and informing the TTC, TFSS and school admin about dates, required resources and paperwork, advertising this event via morning announcements, posters and email, and supervising the 113 students in the event. VIP raised $1,869.64.

In a short time, I have unexpectingly developed a devotion to VIP. I was not born a natural leader and am still growing, but the experiences, setbacks and challenges I have faced as a VIP executive can only help me when facing future difficulties. My experiences with VIP motivate me to explore my leadership potential and I am eager to succeed.

PLEASE BE CRITICAL :)

GaryJiang

Jan 10, 2010

Undergraduate / University of Western - Ivey - university admission essay - Leadership Potential [3]

I believe there is no such thing as a great "natural leader." (I beg to differ. While I agree there are those who learn to be effective leaders, there are also those who are practically born taking charge. To say there is no such thing as a natural leader begs the question, "why not?" In my opinion, you fail to prove your assertion in this next bit...>

That is true as well. I sort of wanted to start off my essay with a interesting sentence, but I see the validity in your argument.

And yes, being new on here i will try my best to help others too :)

Thank you!

GaryJiang

Jan 10, 2010

Undergraduate / Discuss a leadership experience you have had in any area of your life [4]

Ever since I was young, my older brother has always been the one who took on the responsibility of taking care of family issues, due to my parents' lack of English language.

If I was you, I would clearly state what responsibilities you were in charge of. I think that it is important to expand on what you have done to the family and how that is leadership. Also, show how you have grown and gotten better as a leader (universities want to see growth.)

All in all, your essay pretty impressive, but can be improved.

Please edit my essay on leadership if you can :)

GaryJiang

Feb 5, 2010

Essays / To write an essay regarding attitude [8]

Yes I agree that you should start brainstorming first. Collect your ideas through whatever language you want. Know what you want to include in your essay and try your best to write.

GaryJiang

Feb 5, 2010

Undergraduate / Personal Statement Admission Essay: Leadership, Creativity, teamwork, Communitiy [5]

Personal Statement
At Rotman Commerce, we are seeking students from diverse backgrounds who possess a strong academic record and have an interest in, and enthusiasm for, the world of commerce. Just as importantly, however, we aim to attract students who have demonstrated extra-curricular involvement that emphasizes leadership, creativity, teamwork, and community building. We believe that these combined qualities are key to ensuring one's overall success in our program.

Instructions:
In a 300-word paper, please describe how your extracurricular activities and leadership experience have prepared you to be an active contributor to, and engaged participant in, the Rotman Commerce community.

You may type your text and then paste it in the available box below (maximum 300 words)

Thomas Edison said: "Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration". I say success is the same. Success comes from the sweat and tears of hard work, experience and initiative. My inspiration started when I joined the Volunteers in Power (VIP) club with the sole desire to complete my community-service hours. The experience I gained from organizing fundraisers, charity events and promotions surprisingly triggered interest. As events flew by, I aspired more than community-service hours; I aspired to lead. As the current Communications/External Affairs executive for VIP, working with...

Please be as critical as possbile :) Currently, I am at 313 words; need to cut this down to 300.

Do you think I have answered the question correctly?

GaryJiang

Feb 5, 2010

Undergraduate / Personal Statement Admission Essay: Leadership, Creativity, teamwork, Communitiy [5]

That sounds very logical :)

I will make those changes soon and post them up

GaryJiang

Feb 6, 2010

Undergraduate / Personal Statement Admission Essay: Leadership, Creativity, teamwork, Communitiy [5]

Thomas Edison said: "Genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration". I say success is the same. Success comes from the sweat and tears of hard work, experience and initiative. My inspiration started when I joined the Volunteers in Power (VIP) club to complete my community-service hours. The experience I gained from organizing fundraisers and charity events surprisingly triggered interest. As events flew by, I desired more than community-service hours; I desired to contribute . As the current Communications/External Affairs executive for VIP, working with organizations such as the Heart and Stroke Foundation, the Canadian Cancer Society and the Toronto Foundation for Student Success (TFSS) has given me valuable experience applicable to the world of commerce. In events such as the TTC Coin Challenge, I showed leadership. I effectively notified the TTC, the TFSS and my school regarding event plans, promoted volunteer opportunities (email, announcements, posters), and supervised the 113 participating students who helped raise $2000 to decrease student poverty in Toronto.

The sudden thirst for involvement in my community fuelled my contributions in other clubs in school . As a sophomore, I fell in love with music and became a devoted writer for my school newspaper, CORE, and magazine, Enigma. Seeing students walk down hallways with my work, frantically skimming through my sections, covering sports, finance and world news, brought me joy. Musically, I formed my own band, musical Youtube channel, joined the Guitar Ensemble, Full Choir and Gospel Choir and performed in numerous school music events. Currently, I am taking piano and vocal lessons to expand my realms as musician.

In a short time, I have whole-heartedly developed commitment in becoming an engaged contributor in my community. If I am accepted, this commitment will not only extend to the Rotman community, it will strengthen. Rotman will offer me a goldmine of learning opportunities and will morph me into an active, educated and motivated young man who can tackle any challenge and succeed in the world of commerce.

I currently stand at 326 words. Any suggestions to cut this down?

The red font are changes made btw.

Thanks