Undergraduate / Narrative piece for Comp English, deciding on thesis statement about my brother [2]

Can you please tell me what sounds best for this narrative piece. I am writing a story about my brother. He came to live with me and find work in a restaurant. After he did he was shortly fired.

In class we are suppose to write a piece describing a time when someone told a truth that significantly impacted are life. Him being fired impacted my life because I had to live with the miserable guy for about two weeks. He was clinically depressed and manic, so I was frightened and worried at the same time. I really want this piece to be one of the best I have wrote for this class, being that it is our last paper due.

Read the entire introductory paragraph and the two thesis I have numbered.

My brother Antoine graduated from high school and then moved in with me. I charged him three hundred dollars per month to rent an extra room in my apartment. (1)Passionate about cooking, yet lacking real experience, Antoine's plan was to find an entry level position at a restaurant in Minneapolis. Which he did, but later regretted the decision. (2)His journey during the time he lived with me was remarkable to witness unfold. This experience helped strengthen our relationship.

Thank You!

Essays / Applying persuasive strategies in paper revisions, understanding a assingment [2]

Read the following prompt.

In this assignment, you will revise any of the papers you have written to improve argument, persuasiveness, and/or style. You will simply apply persuasive strategies in this revision. Be careful not to change the purpose of your essay or introduce a controversial subject. In other words, the essay will remain personal or objective, but will include stronger use of argument or persuasion. Consider especially focusing on logical argument (logos). How might you strengthen the logical connections in your process analysis? You might give the descriptions in the descriptive essay more pathos.

What does this mean?

Here is an example of a paragraph I changed. Am I on the right path?

Original

Our house then was a cottage. It had four separate units all connected together. We had one neighbor who lived adjacent to our unit in the same cottage. Cynthia was a classmate with my mother. She moved from Florida to study divinity. Frequently we shared meals, similar in style to how foreigners gather together like long lost friends even though they hardly know each other. Ever so often a freight train would come and I could hear the locomotives roaring horn and clatter of steel wheels, pounding the tracks, as is passed through the village's forest. Back then I used to go on bike rides or walk throughout the village. I saw different species of birds, snakes, spiders, and deer. In addition to the train the village had one monumental tower that played a song every hour. I enjoyed being outside and listening as the bell would play its song.

Revised

Our house then was a cottage, not an apartment. It had four separate units connected together. We had one neighbor who lived adjacent to our unit in the same cottage. Cynthia whom a classmate with my mother had moved from Florida to study here too. She was a friend of ours and occasionally we shared meals together. Ever so often this Union Pacific freight train would barrel through the village. I could hear the locomotives roaring horn and clatter of steel wheels, pounding the tracks, as it passed through the village's forest. What I loved the most about living at the village was being able to go bike or walk throughout one of the many trails. I saw different species of birds, snakes, spiders, and deer, all of which fascinated me. Even though hearing the train was great, what I liked even more was the village tower that played a song every hour. As I listened to the bells play, I could not help but feel at peace.