Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay -Monumental Gifts [7]

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Would you mind rewriting my mistakes?
Thanks in advance (^_^)
Monumental Gifts

Nowadays, we face to plenty of disasters; such as, earthquakes, floats, hurricanes, famine and drought etc. Even though we take some precautions against these disasters, unfortunately, we usually can not resist them. How we cope with these bad conditions? The answer is of course by charities or volunteers. The first aim of which is to help people in need.

First of all, should we donate to charities? The answer is, of course, yes due to fact that nobody will know future. To give an example, plenty of earthquakes take place so that not only many people are died but also their houses are pulled down. Who helps them? Of course, charities like the Red Cross, Turkish Red Crescent or volunteers. Owing to fact that we will be a disaster victim, we must donate them.

Secondly, charities support to underdeveloped countries; such as, South Africa, Kenya. There are plenty of people. They need pure water and food. Charities provide these people their necessities.

Moreover, needless to say, going to school is hard there due to fact that they do not have enough schools, teachers. Many charities can supply scholarship to education in the developing countries. After then, they will solve their issues.

What is more, we donate not only money but also our organs, such as, kidney, liver, retina etc. Therefore, an ailment person can cure our organ donation. As far as I am concerned, the most significant gift for a sick person is going on his life so that we must donate.

All in all, owing to fact that we need eat other, we should make a donation either money or our organs. Consequently, we will be able to live prettier world by philanthropic people.

16.05.2010
©TeamSAK

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay about influential people in the world [2]

TOEFL essay about influential people in the world
Please correct my mistakes
The most important person
There are lots of leaders in the world, the most important of whom is, Ataturk. He founded the Republic of Turkey. According to Times newspaper Ataturk is one of a hundread most monumental people. To better understand why Ataturk is the most significant person, we need to go into more depth about his achivements.

To begin with,the most important reason is that he gave some rights to woman for the first time in the world. To give an example, until Turkey was founded, it was controled by an Emporer. In other words, Turkey was controlled according to religious laws. Therefore, according to these laws, women were not important. Woman`s work was only to take care of their house and babies. Ataturk gave woman equal rights. For example, if women want to work , she can work. The most important right for women is that they can be elected and they can vote for whoever they want. In other words, Turkish women earned independence and freedom. Ataturk is the most influential leader owing to his work in gender equality.

Secondly, he helped develop Turkey. In Turkey, we used to write with the Arabic alfabet. Due to the fact that it was hard to learn, the education percantage was very low. He changed the alphabet so that we write in the Latin alphabet which led every field to develop. As a result of the Latin Alphabet being easy, we have a lot of engineers, doctors and so on. Ataturk is the most important person due to the fact that he is open minded.

Thirdly, he is important to Turkey because his goal is a peaceful world. He made a contrubition to world peace by giving a speech about this issue. Needless to say, if we want to live in a peaceful world, someone must lead people to live in peace.

All in all, Ataturk is one of the most influential people on the earth because of equality, peacefullness and open mindedness. His target is "the peace in the world, the peace in the country". If he did not found Turkey , humanity would not live in peace and women would be second class people in the world.