Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by CopperDays
Joined: Aug 22, 2010
Last Post: Aug 25, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 6  
From: Canada

Displayed posts: 7
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CopperDays   
Aug 23, 2010
Undergraduate / the THS marching and concert band - Elaborate on an Extracurricular Activity [6]

There is something about that last sentence I don't like. For sure, you conveyed your passion for the band very nicely, but the ending sounded kind of cliche and...too casual to give off a lasting impression. My only suggestion is that you put in something like, "Looking back at this experience, I have learned to use these skills from band to (lead/overcome: insert some sort of academic/personal challenge). I always thought that linking it to something else leaves a better impression than simply, I loved the band. Of course, I'm only a high school student, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

P.S If you have time, would you mind looking at my essay? Thanks.
CopperDays   
Aug 23, 2010
Undergraduate / Common App Essay for Ivies--Racism while Travelling in Hong Kong; somewhat risky [5]

Word Count: 588
Hey guys, it'd be really awesome if you can give me some feed back. I feel like this essay is missing something and the grammar is probably atrocious, so I thank anyone who is willing to read this :). Is it too cheesy, cliche, or too...well, racist? Thank you again!

______________________________________________________________________ ____________

"Pakistani?" my aunt blurts. Her face twitches, and she tries to hide the contempt in her voice. "You're mentoring Pakistani children?"

I nod; she shakes her head, and within seconds, we're left speechless with each other. The background fades away, and this conversation becomes another staple memory of my Hong Kong stay.

At sixteen, it has been nearly a decade since I've stepped foot on this bustling metropolis my parents call home. Previously a British colony, a simple walk down the street opened up a poignant seascape of colourful skyscrapers, traditional cafes, and cultural artefacts untouched by China's Cultural Revolution and Communist rule. Governmental candidates wrestle for votes with their plans of reform on the street, demonstrations are protected by the Freedom of Speech, and compulsory education is free. Unfortunately, behind this blanket of wealth and civility developed an outlook of cultural superiority over the minorities who sought for a better life in this city. On the public bus, passengers dramatically avoided the seat next to the Sikh man; turning on the television, a young Filipina is portrayed as a maid with an expired passport; an Indonesian nanny is publicly criticized for speaking in her own language. Back at the centre where I volunteer, I meet Amina-renamed Lucy by her teachers; a recent immigrant from Pakistan. She's six years old, barely fluent in Cantonese, and already familiar with the racial slurs acquainted with being Pakistani. Children whisper about her as she passes by; teachers ignore her waving hand in class, and she makes no attempt to fight back.

Having grown in up in a Canadian suburb where I have always been a visible minority, no words can truly describe the guilt and anger I felt witnessing my own kind discriminate against other minorities as a majority. Moreover, what saddened me the most were the many excuses they gave to justify their actions whenever I confronted them about their behaviour. Despite overcoming my own cultural differences in my suburban town, I can vividly recall the differential treatment I received from my teachers in elementary school for being the only one unable to speak English. Amongst my predominately white classmates, I was branded as 'not truly Canadian' until middle school because of my background. By high school, I have forgotten half of my Cantonese, published writing in a bestselling book series, won recognition in a national writing contest; only to be questioned by a particularly obnoxious classmate whether I was an illegal immigrant.

Lying beside my bed is a picture of my seven year old self; the background is my second grade classroom. If I look hard enough at the picture, I can still see myself ten years back, mute and deaf-ashamed. Prior to volunteering, I had always looked back on those memories with a bitter disgust. It was during my time in Hong Kong that I came to realize it was those unpleasant experiences that allowed me to help and understand those going through the same setbacks. Racism, undeniably, exists in some shape or form everywhere in the world, whether it be in Hong Kong or Canada. Racism stems from ignorance, and only when such hatred is put aside will we begin to move forward towards a better place. After my Hong Kong summer, I decided to relearn my Cantonese. Beginning on September, I started teaching Cantonese classes and culture at the local heritage school. I may not be able to change the world, but it's still worth it to try going one step at a time.
CopperDays   
Aug 23, 2010
Undergraduate / My CommonApp Essay about John Lennon [5]

Beautiful :). I like how you took the approach to using quotations to lead on the essay. However, even though I admire your honesty, I think you should reword some of the examples of your individuality better. For example, the first example is a little too strong, for the lack of a better word. Instead, of writing how you 'screamed and threw your fists' until you got what you wanted, I would provide a somewhat...more noble example? Maybe you can talk about how you refuse to dress in a certain way, or refuse to wear a certain brand because of so, so, and so. Just a thought.

Second, I would probably shorten the last summary of quotes. It might just be me, but I swear I've read those quotes you used in the last paragraph somewhere else before. It's good to use a couple of referenced quotes to lead on your essay, but an eccessive amount might be seen as an attempt to take up space. But again, I do like the way you've ended your essay. So maybe try to take out a couple of those middle quotes and pick the ones you like best :)

I enjoyed reading your essay, and if you have time, I'd really appreciate it if you'd critique mine as well.
CopperDays   
Aug 23, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application Personal Essay "Challenge: A Gift of Advancement" - feedback [4]

A challenge is something that many people are reluctant to overcome. However, in order to advance ourselves, a challenge must be embraced. I first realized this concept when I was young.

There's a pro and con to this opening. On a positive note, it's good because the reader can quickly grasp your main point without much of a headache. Unfortunately, at the same time, the first sentence feels like a topic starter on the common app. I think it would be better if you start with a story and somehow work the quote above into it.

However, was this really a different country? I was surrounded by Koreans and ninety percent of the time I was using my native language. The splendor of a challenge was lost; it was all too easy. Soon, I fell in a slump. I was lost in the parties and games we had in the dormitory. Life in Kansas was undoubtedly fun, yet something was missing. The challenge that had been a driving force of my life was gone. The failure to even start a challenge devastated me. I knew that I could not go on with life as easily as this.

This is probably my favourite passage in the entire essay. I like how you were able to show a negative period of your overseas experience and morph it into something memorably positive :). The figurative language was probably what drew me in though.

This time, I wanted to live in an American family

This time, I wanted to live with an American family

I was elated

Elated sounds off for some reason. Try using another word.

With all the past challenges in my life

Since it is the concluding paragraph, I think it would leave an even more colourful impression if you could recount the examples you have provided using the kind of writing style you used in paragraph 3.

Overall, it is truly a very good essay. The only suggestion I would give is to make the opening more catchy. After all, admission officers go through thousands and thousands of essays, so standing out is probably the key to an acceptance letter, lol. Also, this is actually more of an important note. I think the essay is quite a bit over the usual word count. For safety reasons, most people try to keep it within the 500-700 words range, max. I know there's no actual regulation of word count, but I heard that 1000+ word essays would be looked at somewhat negatively by admission officers. Just a thought.

As for the number, I think it is more of a number 1 than 6.

If you have time, I'd really appreciate it if you can read and critique my essay.
CopperDays   
Aug 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplements-Guinea Pig & Thought process essays. [5]

Only two weeks into summer and I was at a place being avoided like a plague - school.

Interesting. Were there any particular reasons that prompted you to visit--did you visit your teacher out of pure interest for the Green Mile, or was it a summer assignment of some sort? Why did you not find the school as avoidable as other students?

but then I began to relish that I was being challenged

Relish doesn't seem flow very well in this context for some reason, but it may just be me

I could conduct ground-breaking research on the transformation of undifferentiated stem cells or unearth why multiple sclerosis is more predominant in the Northwest. There is promise to any endeavor which I commit to at Stanford University, as long as I keep asking questions.

This conclusion is good in that it expresses your dreams and goals very clearly. However, I would try to provide some examples that support your initiatives so it won't come off as slightly empty-handed.

as long as I keep asking questions.

Perhaps you can reword that to something about the thinking process you mentioned earlier.

by whichever mystic force selects birth order

by whichever mystic selects birth order,

I love your second essay. I think that you have expressed your personal qualities very well by using your family as a leading thought.
On a second note, I think that you should elaborate on how your thinking sets you apart from--say, your classmates, and how this is used to your advantage and then link it to the conclusion where you want to conduct groundbreaking research.

Overall, your essay was very well written and I found it hard to point out any errors. Good luck with Stanford :)

P.S If you have time, would you commenting on my essay :)
CopperDays   
Aug 25, 2010
Undergraduate / My CommonApp Essay about John Lennon [5]

started trying to

'attempted to dress me in' sounds better

From adolescence to the present,
awkward situations; John Lennon...

an ad for

An advertisment for...

And yay...! I'm happy you decided to use some of my advice :). I came across this thread again and decided to make a few more corrections. Your essay got much better, and I really admire the character you portrayed yourself to be in your essay.

^_^
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