Undergraduate / "Unique experiance through playing guitar" College Essay [8]

Brett your essay has scope but it lacks substance. Its very abstract and does not tell me anything about you as an individual....other than the fact that you like music.

But that's not enough ! You have to connect it to something .It should tell us something about
your character and your views. Frankly, at one point it got boring .
Actually what you are asking us is something only you can do because we don't know you and
your essay also does not tell us anything.
Just rework the whole thing and post it up again.

Sapna

Undergraduate / "Unique experiance through playing guitar" College Essay [8]

Hi Brett!
This essay is much much better than your first attempt.:)


I liked this line a lot.


Liked this one also.

But I do agree with Donrocks that you have only 500 words to talk about yourself and therefore you need to squeeze in different aspects about yourself.

OK music does require a lot of patience and hard work but there are any number of people doing
so.Try to bring in other aspects about yourself as well. have you performed for an audience ?If so
write about it.In case you have not then bring out other aspects about yourself and if possible inject some humour into it as well....it makes the reading more fun.

Keep the focus on yourself . Don't forget that Your essay is YOUR introduction to the admissions officer.

Undergraduate / "Find X, tarot card readings" - University of Chicago Extended Essay [6]

Hi Simon!
I don't think you have understood the topic at all. You need to discuss this topic with a teacher
or friend or ....anyone.
Discuss with someone and write another essay,OK.
All the best!

Undergraduate / My Discovery of Math; questions beyond math (intellectually exiting concept) [2]

Hi Zachary!

The first part of the topic asks you to describe a concept which intellectually excites you and in your essay it is only in the sixth sentence of the second last para that you explain the same!

Your first two para's are a waste of words.They tell me nothing about you or the topic.And because
you have wasted so many words ,you had to squeeze in everything in the last few lines.
Rework the essay.Get to the point sooner. Bring in your feelings. Your sense of awe/ wonder/excitement/passion/ and your dreams...are some of the things I would like to see in your essay.

Undergraduate / A Second chance... what would you do differently (opportunity for a prized education) [5]

Hi Zachary!
First of all stop worrying about the word limit.Editing is easy. And you have a very generous word limit.

Your essay just rambles on without getting to the point.
You need to "recreate" that point in your life when you had to make a difficult choice.
And how you look back and regret the fact that you made the wrong decision and possibly wasted
many years. You need to bring all these things out in your essay.
Many of the sentences are repetitive and that makes the essay boring.
You can wind up the essay by writing how you wish things were different but also how you have moved on in life.
Rework and post it up again,ok.