Undergraduate / "Fight or Flight" - Significant experience, risk Common App Personal Statement [3]

Hello!
I enjoyed reading through your essay. I'm new here, and this is actually my first post, so please bear with me.

I don't know if it's relevant to your essay, but you may want to consider writing about the "after shock". What happened when you came home? How did you deal with your mother's expectations and demands? What is your current relationship?

I especially liked the parts where you really showed what was going on. I wish there were a few more descriptive parts.

Good luck with everything!

Undergraduate / Biochemistry, my ambition in dentistry - Temple (academic development) [2]

Its marvelous to come back and see all my fellow classmates and professors; attending Temple University was a great accomplishment and honor in my life. Temple taught me that by working hard, I can achieve my goals. When I graduated from Temple University in the year of 2015, I have earned a bachelor's degree in biochemistry, and in 2017 I received my Masters Degree in oral biology.

I still workhard to achieve my goal of receiving my D.M.D in dentistry. While studying hard I work at a notable dentist clinic in Pennsylvania, where I receive training to run my own clinic. My goal in life is to open a pediatric dentist clinic where I can treat children of all ages, whether of high or low income. Although I am working hard to achieve my ambition in dentistry, I have also strived in helping my community in many ways.

* simply "earned" so that the tenses agree
*"I still work" is a little awkward, maybe "I am still working"
* repetition of "hard" takes away from the pace of the essay
* This part seems grammatically incorrect "I also strive to help" ?
* Overall this paragraph seems a little cookie cutter to me... All you're really telling the reader is that you're interested in dentistry, and although that's important, I want to know what makes you unique. You start to talk about that when you mention your goal of opening a pediatric clinic. What motivated you to want to work with kids as opposed to adults?

When I graduated from high school in 2011, I promised myself I would do my best to help others. During my time in high school, I noticed many of my peers struggled their classes. As a result, I pledged to make every effort possible to tutor high school students during college. During my time at Temple, I honored my pledge and enjoy tutoring undergraduates . At the same time, I have been also coaching a recreational soccer team in my community for all ages. Ever since I was little, soccer has always been my passion. After playing for 16 years, I knew that I wanted to incorporate soccer into my life as an adult somehow . Although I was certain that it would not be professionally , I knew that I could teach the beautiful sport to kids of both non-experienced and experienced backgrounds . I believe that it is important to have both a healthy mind and body and teaching kids that can leave a lasting affect on them. For inspiring me, I give many thanks to the Temple soccer coach who has encouraged me to keep alive my passion for the sport.

* this part is weird tense-wise
* don't need the "somehow"
* this part is very passive... maybe "I would not play professionally" ?
* this could be said more succinctly
*The last sentence seems almost a little presumptuous on your part, unless of course, you've already had contact with the coach (I know that the topic asks for your point of view from 14 years in the future, but it still seems a little irrelevant)

It was always my dream to attend temple ever since I have heard about the remarkable campus and amazing teaching staff. Being a graduate from this university is a enormous honor and accomplishment. Attending Temple University was an experience I will never forget.

* This last paragraph does try to bring the essay together, but it doesn't really tell me anything about you as a person or student.

Overall, I wish you had added more personal anecdotes. I was really excited to know why you want to work with kids, but I never got to find out. What got you interested in dentistry in the first place? Is there a particular teacher you want to work with at Temple?

Also, the transition between the first part and second part of the essay seems abrupt. It's almost as if you combined two separate essays into one. Think about how you've balanced your two passions in high school and what made you so sure of your path.

Over all, this is a good base for an essay, but needs more spice and details to make you stand out. Show the reader why you are passionate about these topics!

Best of luck in your admissions!

Undergraduate / my career goal: to become a Pediatrician reasons for transferring, objects to achieve [2]

The first thing I noticed while reading your essay is that it's week grammatically. I will try to point out the awkward phrases. I find that reading the essay out loud can really help make it flow smother.

Completing college and searching a school to transfer, I have realized that finding an appropriate match school both academically and socially is not an easy task. While college offers lower-division major courses, university has a variety of majors and professional fields to qualify students' career goal. The same thing applies to my situation ; my career goal is to become a Pediatrician which I have to complete a challenged path . Therefore, I always have to look for a reputable school that can make a difference in my academic and social life.

* "searching for a"
* several ways you can go here, "appropriately matched school" "an appropriate match"
* don't forget your "a"
* "qualify"doesn't seem like quite the right word...
*this essay is about you, you shouldn't have to remind the reader that it's your situation you're talking about
* this doesn't quite make sense to me
*maybe substitute something like "I searched/looked for"

In the academy , I am seeking a school that can give me the most academic preparation for my career goal. Also, I look for a school that provides students with supporting services such as full communication between students and instructors, research and internships for every possible major so that they can complete the academic plan successfully and develop potential skills. No matter how hard it is, I want to achieve as many as accomplishments while I am still in school. Knowledge will never end ; thus, I would like to gain knowledge not only in my main major chemistry but also many other fundamental science majors . Transferring is the only way that I can broaden my learning and prepare myself step-by-step before entering medical school.

* this may or may not apply, depending on the school you're applying to, but What academy?
* If you keep the previous "academy" then you risk sounding too repetitive with "academic"
* "full" isn't the word I would use there, maybe "open" "easy" "informal" ...
* this is a run on sentence, it's easily fixed by placing a "as well as" in front of the "research"

* "as many accomplishments" as what? finish the thought
* I know what you're trying to say here, but it's a little awkward... it could be just me though
* only science majors, or the humanities as well?
* "step-by-step" doesn't seem necessary in this sentence

Socially , I would like to place myself into a new social environment so that I can be more confident. One of my disadvantages is shyness; it is too hard for me to express myself and confidently tell my own ideas . That is one of the reasons why I feel so isolated among other students. I hope that an excellent school socially can cheer me to participate in social clubs and organizations , which will give me some chance to adopt and join in a different atmosphere. That would be an opportunity for students to express themselves and improve communication. I hope to become a new open-minded person when transferring a best-suited school .

* repetition of socially takes away from the pacing
* cut out the "too" it makes your shyness seem more crippling than it actually is
* this is a little wordy
* this is dangerous because it implies that you will rely on the school to drag you into a social circle instead of making choices that would put you in the middle of the action

* this implies that something is fundamentally wrong with the way you are now. Don't focus on that. Sell yourself!
*awkward wording
* this paragraph worries me because you only focus on how your shyness is a draw back and hope that simply changing schools will make you more outgoing. Focus more on how you've either overcome some aspect of your shyness, or now how you use it to your advantage. does it help in studying? has it made you more independent? Have you been put in positions that force you to overcome your shyness?

I expect to transfer to a school that may fulfill my academic and social concerning , and I believe a student will do the best when both studying in the most comfortable, convenient environment and being supported by an outstanding college.

* may? aren't you sure?
*wrong word, I'm not sure what you mean
* this essay should be about you, not "a student"

The essay addresses the prompt, but there are grammatical errors you need to fix. Also, and more dangerously, the essay is very general and doesn't stand out much. You tell us about your shyness and major, but your word is all we have to go on. Also, be careful talking about your weaknesses, in a short essay like this, they may overpower everything else about you. Right now, the most memorable part of the essay was that you're shy. I don't think that's the message you were trying to send.

Good luck with admissions!

Undergraduate / "What I Will Become" - How the College Curriculum will help me with my Interests [4]

What I Will Become
*Now that I read this again, for some reason it kinda reminds me of "Mulan" (not a bad thing, just what I thought of)

"Is it going to hurt?" I asked my pediatrician as she held the needle in her hands, that at that time looked so long. I was frightened and kept squinting my eyes afraid of the pain I was just about to go through. " A ll done," she suddenly said. As I opened my eyes I realized there was a band aid on my arm. I got scared for that ? I laughed to myself. I hopped off the bed and walked over to my mom. There were so many kids there , of all ages. All being taken care of by my pediatrician . I was astonished at the fact that because of her these kids were healthy. She was the one that provided them with the care they needed. She had become part of our family by then . I looked up to her and I still do. I want to be someone that helps children. I want to be able to protect the core of our world. Our world begins with children and if children are not healthy. Where do we go ?

*using two "that"s so close together can get confusing, is there a way you could rework that?
* I think there should be a comma between "eyes" and "afraid"
* "just" isn't necessary
* there shouldn't be a space before "all"
* the three sentences starting with "I" so close together sound a little robotic
* be more specific, where?
* consider combining this with the previous sentence
*awkward transition
* try to vary your sentence beginnings more

I was in the second grade that I finally decided that I would be a doctor. I was so excited when my father started calling me Dr. Dilara. I knew this dream wasn't one that I would soon forget. I knew that this is what I wanted to do with my life. At the time blue and yellow my favorite colors . When I found that there was a college with those colors I was so excited. Instantly I began to love the University of Michigan . I told myself that I would go to this school. It wasn't until seventh grade that I realized that it was no longer the colors, it was the school. I wanted to be a wolverine . Knowing it was a competitive school I knew from that point on I had to try my hardest to do all I could to get in.

*very random transition
* careful that the reader doesn't think you chose the college only because of the colors
* very effective :)
* repetition of "know" takes away from the pace

To pursue my dreams I know that the College of Literature, Science, and Arts will get me there. Of course this curriculum will support me in that it will provide me with the education I need to be able to get me where I want to go. The diversity of classes will permit me to take the classes I am most interested in. With this curriculum I will be able to take classes such as Biology or Chemistry that will provide me with the educaiton I need to get into Medical School. This College will support me and allow me to make that childhood dream come true. The answer to that typical question asked to all little kids, " what do you want to be when your older?" will be fulfilled. I will be who I have wanted to be for all these years.

* this sentence doesn't really make sense to me
* good place to have a transition
* surely this college isn't the only one that offers chemistry and biology
*education - type-o
* careful, the world will not stop spinning if you don't get in

Strong finish. Over all, the essay is well structured and focused and convinces me that you want to go to this college. I wish there were a few more details on why this particular school though. Otherwise, a very strong essay!

Thank you for reviewing my essay, and good luck with your admissions!

Undergraduate / "How I've come to accept my father's return to Russia" Common app essay [5]

Thank you very much for the fast reply! I really appreciate your feedback.

I was wondering, what is it about "He left anyway" that didn't make sense? My main worry is that the "plot" (for lack of a better word) is understandable. How how I clarify that sentence to help the reader understand? Is it not clear who's leaving? Or where he's going?

Thank you again!
Tatiana