Undergraduate / "the things that require hard work are the most rewarding" - Personal Statement [4]

Hi. I'm not sure what kind of help you're looking for, but the edited version is below:

I believe there are many facets that shape your life. For instance, the people you are exposed to, challenges you experience or roadblocks you may have to overcome; all have an effect on who you are. While I've have had many challenges and roadblocks, there is one particular event that has made a great impact on my life. It was the summer of my sophomore year. My dad took me on a hike. Not just any hike, but we hiked Mt. Whitney. Standing at 14,505 feet, it is the tallest mountain in the contiguous United States.

My father and I took the less traveled Mountaineer's route. With our 65-pound pack on our backs we set out just before sunrise. We hiked for about 4 hours before we took a break. I was exhausted. We found a natural water spring where I soaked my newly blistered feet. We finished our lunch and set out again. Three hours later we reached a crevasse between two ridges and decided to stop for the night. We needed to get acclimated to the altitude before we began the hand over fist portion of the climb. I was exhausted and thankful for the rest.

Shortly after the sun rose, we ate our breakfast bar (I can't believe that this is what was supposed to sustain me, but at least it was light to carry). The next part of the climb was actually the shortest distance, but also the most treacherous. My feet were burning from my newly open blisters, my fingers were raw from reaching between the rocks, but the worst part of all was that I was feeling sick and lightheaded from the altitude, ('how much further' I thought to myself). I wanted to give up. We haven't seen another soul since we started out the day before. I mean, who in their right mind would climb up 14,505 feet? I pushed myself to keep going and finally I saw the top ledge. I found a sudden burst of energy as I pulled myself up over the ledge. I did it! I actually made it and it was even more beautiful than I had imagined. I was standing on top of Mt. Whitney.

Across the top of the peak stood a stone shack; within the shack was a book with the signatures of previous climbers. I added my name to the very short list of the Mountaineer's route successors with a great sense of pride. I was on cloud-nine and I felt an amazing sense of accomplishment. That was when I realized that the things that require hard work are the most rewarding. That accomplishment alone has given me a new sense of success. I know that I can do anything as long as I work at it. I have since then taken that drive and motivation and successfully applied it to other aspects of my life. I have been inspired to want to be great and learn all that I can learn, I enjoy a challenge. I am excited to enter college and can't wait to see the many great things I can accomplish.

Also, check out these articles I've writen about writing a good admissions essay - hope this helps:

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Undergraduate / "something to make a business better" - Help with UT transfer essay [4]

I've written some articles on admission essays (I'll post the links for two of them below). I think your essay is great, however, needed some slight editing, which I've done (see edited essay below). Let me know if I can be of any additional help:

For a long time, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. As a child, I had the same dreams and aspirations as any other five year old. I wanted to be a firefighter, a baker, a lawyer, a pilot, and even a Tyrannosaurus Rex at one point! As I grew older and became more exposed to the different possibilities of what I could be, my confusion continued to increase. And then to top it all off, after my first year of high school, my Dad said "I got a promotion in Thailand, so everyone start packing!" Though it wasn't quite that simple, the next thing I knew, our plane landed in Bangkok, Thailand - one of the most diverse, interesting, and crowded cities on the planet! From there, my whole perspective of things changed.

Now for a kid from a small town called Lake Jackson (just outside of Houston), Bangkok was a dynamic change from the more conservative, old fashioned town I was used to. I experienced many things in Thailand, too many to list in this essay in fact! But I did realize something. I realized what I wanted to do with my life.

I met a lot of people that I will never forget in Thailand. Because I went to an International school, the friends I made had lived all over the world. I really experienced a cultural medley of different people. I liked the fact that everyone had something different to add to our school; everyone had a part to play. That's why I would like to become a part in the McCombs School of Business.

In a business, you have accountants, financial analysts, managers, CEO's, and other jobs. A business utilizes every aspect of each sector to run. If there were no accountants, the company's finances would run amok. If there weren't any managers, there would be no order to run the business. Every single person has something to make a business better. It's a living, breathing entity that is derived from the experiences, skills, and knowledge of all those that participate in it. And, I realized that I want to be a part of the cogs that form this great entity. It's a little different from being a Tyrannosaurus Rex, but it's still something that I would love to be.

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