Undergraduate / "my determination and my creativity" - UCF ESSAY [2]

Hi! first off, this is a good essay with an easily seen theme. However, there are parts that seem disconnected or choppy.

Since I was a little girl, I have been determined to be all that I could be (Add a Comma)

I was always the first one to turn in an assignment, or first to finish a test (Remove)

the nickname of "Little Miss Determined." (Remove)

My mother worked her way up from nothing and is now a beyond successful entrepreneur, owning two businesses and my father has worked his way up to being a Lieutenant with the Miami- Dade Police Department and the President of the Hispanic Police Officers Association.

(It would be better if you separated the two thoughts)

I was also a gift to my parents, (change am to was)

It would be better if somehow you are able to combine or relate your determination to your creativity to make your ideas in your essay flow smoothly. Like relate in an instance how having determination fueled your creativity.

Your ending is good, but I think you can make it better. Don't just make it about the double major and how difficult it is, maybe think about how with your determination and creativity, your experience at UCF will be better or uplifted in a way, and show that with those two qualities, you will be able to offer a lot to UCF.

I hope it helps! Goodluck! :)

Undergraduate / "Go to the head of the class!" - essay help- UF application [7]

Hi! First off, i think it's sincere and wonderfully written.

But there are some errors,

When I was ten years old, my grandmother taught me. Taught you what? It's not that clear.

To me, as a child, the ability to credibly compete with the "grown-ups" dwarfed most other accomplishments I had? to date. Remove "To me," and start with AS a child. Maybe it would be better if you put I had to make it less confusing

It ranked quite close to learning how to ride a bike and mastering the dive.
Pricilla Maher was more than my grandmother. It is quite choppy, and confusing, so find a way to relate the two thoughts together.

...vital to success; or . cheating never wins, and some of our best attributes and accomplishments are the ones we have to work the hardest to get. You should separate the part after success because the sentence becomes very long to read, and might even be a run on?

I used to love it when she complimented me like that, and those words are now ingrained on my memory. I strive to do my best in everything so that, if Grandma Maher were still here, she could proudly say it again.Change it to a period. Your ending is amazing. It really shows how the influence of your Grandmother still permeates through your life now.

I think you should explain more on your contributions because the prompt did say, "how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. " Other than that, it's a good piece, and I enjoyed reading it.

Undergraduate / "My sister (I was mean)" -Essay about someone who has made an impact on my life. [5]

Hi!
Your essay is wonderfully written.
I like the fact that the person who has had a big impact on your life was not an older mentor because it just goes to show that even those younger can influence a person. :)

However there are some parts that are wrong
She was the talented one; she was the generous one; she was the pretty one; she was the most loved one.
You can simplify this into
She was the the talented, generous, pretty, and most loved sister

happy, and vibrant

My parents, after a week,
This can be reorgannized into
After a week, my parents...

and it was then that I finally realized how much I was blessed with such a great sister.

has impacted me to be a better

She has given me a sense of strong security,
Revise into
She has given me a strong sense of security (NO COMMA BEFORE BECAUSE)

The ending is great.

Hope it helps! Goodluck! :)

Undergraduate / Most appealing about Columbia = it fits the mold of my expectations [3]

I agree with ershad193 that your first sentence seems very out of place.
All in all, I think your essay is too general and that you can actually replace Columbia with another university. I think if you really like Columbia for science then you should research more on Columbia's science program and what you really like about it.

Undergraduate / "my classes were no longer difficult" - 250 word essays on academic performance [8]

First of all, i think your essay is very direct and detailed.

Your first sentence doesn't really reel me in. I think you should delete that sentence.

In 2007, I entered

Starting the pre-law class, I thought that it would be pretty easy, but that was very untrue.
At first, I thought it would be pretty easy, but I was wrong.

I found out that we had to do mock trials

Not only did I have to participate in mock trials, I also had to take test on the lessons that were taught. (But don't we all take tests from lessons that were taught??)

I am not good at obtaining facts, especially dates, so I knew that this would not be an easy task.
(Don't put yourself down in any way) -- Try revising it by saying, "I had some difficulty at obtaining facts, so I knew this would not be an easy task."

To attend tutoring I had to be dedicated.Can be deleted.

In tutoring, my teacher

As the class progressed, I gained

When my report card came, I was surprised and pleased to see a 100.

Your ending for me doesn't do much justice for your excellent grade. Try revising it.

Overall, it seems very choppy. It would sound better if you tried rewritting the whole thing to show your academic progress better. And most importantly, don't forget punctuations!!

Hope it all helps! Goodluck!

Undergraduate / "His name was Cecil, a Southeast African" - a person who had an influence on you [4]

First of all, I like how you started and ended your essay. The narration in the beginning is great, and your ending is very sincere.

I also like how the character you chose is not that conventional, but I was hoping to see more of an impact at you rather than just from shoveling the ground. It sounds too simple and insignificant compared to the way you explained that influence. Your mind opened up and your views on many things changed, but then I can't understand how from such a simple narration. Maybe you could relate it more to your medical missions and the feeling of helping others rather than just building a clinic. It's just my opinion.

But overall, I really like how you articulated yourself.

With each heave, he powered ...
"You try". should be "You try."
Seeing me struggle, Cecil
guidance, I was
because here I am a spoiled Asian-American
Cecil, living
are, and not

Hey, I hope these help. Goodluck!