He lifted the shovel and threw a mixture of dirt and rocks into a pile. Sweat rolled down his forehead and into his unwavering eyes filled with determination. With each heave he powered through the barren soil and demonstrated his strength. He then stopped, stretched, and gave the shovel to me and said "You try".
His name was Cecil, a Southeast African, who was helping our mission's team with the construction of the clinic area. Looking at how easily Cecil shoveled through the ground, I decided it wasn't impossible, so I stabbed the ground with all I could. Shock ran through the shovel and into my body and I was paralyzed for a split second. Seeing me struggle Cecil kindly showed me how to shovel more efficiently. What was then a daunting task now became sufficiently easier and through Cecil's guidance I was able to persevere. Cecil was always smiling and he never seemed irritated or angry. I was surprised because in a country where disease and poverty were rampant; here is Cecil donning a genuine, almost beautiful, smile. In my head I wondered, "Where does he get this kind of smile?" I asked the translator who was working with him for a while why he seemed so happy. The translator goes on to tell me that Cecil was an orphan who lost both of his parents to malaria and grew up taking care of his siblings. I was surprised because here am I a spoiled Asian-American, who has access to the highest education and here is Cecil living in one of the worst third-world countries desperately studying and trying the best he could so he could live a better life.
I've changed the way I view others thanks to Cecil. I used to have certain prejudices to other people based on their looks, but after meeting Cecil I look at people for who they are not what they look like. Greediness ran freely in my mind but after meeting Cecil I wanted to give him the world. He didn't want the world however; Cecil sought something intangible, friendships and relationships. What I didn't have and what I really longed for is neither money nor fame, but the quality time I got to spend with other people. After meeting Cecil, I didn't change completely; rather he gave me new lenses to see the world differently. A changed perspective is paving the way of how I live and how I ought to live. Hopefully someday I will be able to smile genuinely just like Cecil was able to do.
First of all, I like how you started and ended your essay. The narration in the beginning is great, and your ending is very sincere.
I also like how the character you chose is not that conventional, but I was hoping to see more of an impact at you rather than just from shoveling the ground. It sounds too simple and insignificant compared to the way you explained that influence. Your mind opened up and your views on many things changed, but then I can't understand how from such a simple narration. Maybe you could relate it more to your medical missions and the feeling of helping others rather than just building a clinic. It's just my opinion.
But overall, I really like how you articulated yourself.
With each heave, he powered ...
"You try". should be "You try."
Seeing me struggle, Cecil
guidance, I was
because here I am a spoiled Asian-American
Cecil, living
are, and not
Hey, I hope these help. Goodluck!
Thanks for the advice!
...so I stabbed the ground with all I had. could .
or
...so I stabbed the ground with all the strength I could muster.
Use commas for compound sentences:
What was then a daunting task now became sufficiently easier, and through Cecil's guidance I was able to persevere. Cecil was always smiling, and he never seemed irritated or angry.
I was surprised, because in a country...
Keep it in the past tense: What I didn't have and what I really longed for is was neither money nor fame, but the quality time I got to spend with other people.
:-)
