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Posts by Linds
Joined: Dec 15, 2010
Last Post: Apr 27, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  
From: Canada

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Linds   
Dec 15, 2010
Book Reports / Literary Fog Essay- One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest [5]

Hello,
I have been asked to redo one of my essays because of my problems with verb tense and passive voice. I re- wrote it and still got a low mark. Can you please review this to tell me where I went wrong and how I could improve on it. Grade 12 writers craft.

Thanks!

Healing through Change

Relationships are strong bonds formed between two people. The bond between Chief and MacMurphy had a great have an impact on Chief himself. In One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest the fog represents Chief's unsure, hopeless, and trapped feelings. He separates himself from reality by using the cloudy unclarity as a safe place for his mind to go. When Chief experiences confidence and personal growth the fog begins to disappear, this allows the reader to better understand the progression and mental state of him. Kesey conveys the fact that the best way to overcome internal conflict of any kind is through confidence in oneself and others.

In a mental institution the patients refer to as the combine lives a 6'7" Indian known as Chief. His internal conflicts and medical history are unknown by the reader, limiting trust in his narration. The fog appears consistently when Chief experiences feelings of discomfort and/or insecurity. He finds the fog comforting and reliable "as bad as it is you can slip back into it and feel safe" (Kesey 114) Kesey uses the haze to demonstrate Chief's self awareness and control. The whole time Chief has been given medication as a way to help him, by displaying his sanity Kesey opens up the possibility of healing through change.

When MacMurphy, a young man with a bold personality, arrives he creates a change in routine and a change within Chief. The difference between MacMurphy and the other patients sparks Chief's interest diminishing his trapped state of mind. His ability to focus and attention to detail become exquisite capturing every minor detail "carbon fiber under the fingernail" (27) resulting in clear reliable narration. The subtle social cues of MacMurphy begin with an introduction and acknowledgement of Chief "well what the hell, he can shake my hand or I will consider it an insult." (24) these social cues stimulate interaction. Humans are social by nature, meaning they need constant contact with others. Kesey shows the importance of this through Chief's "deef and dumb act". After years of being ignored and dismissed by fellow patients, Chief began to lose his identity and give up on trying to interact with others. He is left to his own thoughts, delusions, and paranoia slipping into the fog. Kesey demonstrates the large affects within a small change.

Value and purpose are essential for motivation. By MacMurphy instilling confidence into Chief "By God Chief... It appears to me you have grown ten inches since that fishing trip." (225) he creates self awareness which in turn creates self identity. The fog represents Chief's state of confusion, whenever the Big Nurse was discussing emotional issues something Chief is not aware of he would cowardly slip into the fog. MacMurphy however, seems to remove him from this trance by forcing Chief to have social interaction. As the relationship between Mac and Chief blossoms the fog becomes less important in his life, allowing independence to replace insecurities. Years had gone by with the treatment of medication providing no positive changes to Chief's well being, Kesey shows that healing is a long process but it can begin with subtle changes.

The fog allows readers to follow the mental progression of Chief along with the connections it has with self acceptance and social interaction. Kesey demonstrates the possibilities of healing through change, self acceptance, and purpose. He conveys the fact that not all healing can be done with medication it goes beyond that. The routine within the hospital, never allows patients to learn and grow through experience. The character of Mac forces Chief to socialize, something he has not done for a long time. The relationship allows Chief to have confidence in himself and others through self awareness and trust, overcoming his internal conflicts contributing to his mental state.
Linds   
Dec 24, 2010
Book Reports / Literary Fog Essay- One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest [5]

Hi Kevin,
Thank you for helping me out. Yes my teacher said there was still some passive voice used and that I was not confident enough in what I was trying to say. The first essay I wrote he said that I had great points but I was trying to use fancy unnecessary language. So, in this essay I simplified it but I don't think it was enough for him. His directions were to not use the verb "to be" I think I got that confused with using active voice and talked in past tense the whole time. It really confused me.
Linds   
Jan 1, 2011
Book Reports / Literary Fog Essay- One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest [5]

Thank you so much Kevin, I really appreciate it.. and believe me I challenge him all right and will continue to do so for the rest of the semester.. Happy New Year!
Linds   
Apr 23, 2011
Undergraduate / "a student from China mainland" - MY APPEAL LETTER TO undergraduates U [5]

As a prospective student of the (XXX), Fortunately I was notified of the University's decision to offer me a place on the freshman Waiting list in recent days, but not direct rejection. I sincerely understood what the situation the AOs confront this year. News broke of a dramatic decline in acceptance rate shows not that I am not good enough to get in but less competitive than my peers. So I am stand here again to declare why (XXX) and I are suitable choice for each other.

Reword the first sentence, it is out of natural order.
Try something along the lines of this: As a prospective student of the ___ I have received notification of the Universities decision to place me on a freshman waiting list.

Lose the word sincerly. Try one simple sentence.
I understand the situation of the AOs confront this year as news broke out of dramatic declines in acceptance rates. This prooves that I am good enough to get in, however, less competitive then my peers. I am writing this letter to declare my suitability for the ----- program.

Try a more formal expression.
"I just want you know I love (XXX) so so much even beyond my rational scale."
Try something along the lines of:
I wish to express my passion for ___ it holds great significance within my life.

Re read this sentence it makes no sense. You are basically saying you have no idea why you want to go there.
I can list hundreds of reasons why (XXX) is my first choice, but I prefer to tell you that there is no reason (how can a boy who falls in love know why he is crazy about his one).

Refrain from referring to your friends and there decisions to push you to a better university. Instead talk about yourself and passion/ drive to attend the school. You also need to watch verb tenses. My best advice is to re read this aloud. Start with the small verb tense mistakes and then rearrange all the sentences. Once the essay makes sense re write everything in a more formal fashion. Thousands of applicants want this program, therefore you have to prove why you want it more.

You have to remember that you are writing to university professors not your school friends. They do not appreciate informal language and slang. They would most likely discard this essay after reading the first sentence. If you really want to impress them you need to demonstrate maturity and confidence. You also need to to read over your work constantly. There are some good points, however there are a lot of sloppy mistakes. Please address this letter like you are writing to the President. You wouldn't reference your girlfriend would you? In my opinion if this letter was sent in this condition it would do you more harm then good. Take this as a rough copy and re write everything.

Best of luck!
Linds   
Apr 23, 2011
Undergraduate / "An Environmental Architect" - Motivation essay [4]

I, An Environmental Architect, is now interested in studying human rights, It's not common for architect to study human rights but when you see the relationship between them you can never separate them .

* take away "An Environmental Architect" the sentence states:
I is now.
Try: I am now interested.
After human rights put a period. Start a new sentence.
It's not common for architects to study human rights
The double use of them doesn't allow the sentence to flow.Reword:
but when you see the relationship between them you can never separate them.
*avoid using the word "They" and "their" use oneself, or individuals
Architecture shapes human behavior, it gives individuals the rights to live & and interact with the community &along with the right to protect oneself and the surrounding environment

I changed this to active voice. You are using a lot of passive (past tense)
For example:An example of this is my graduation project. The concept is "Activating a social disability", I proveby my studies a slum area called Ezbet el Hagana to be socially disabled & deprived of its rights to exist thus no political value based on The Cantril Ladder Scale they are suffering.

* the sentence in red needs to be re written it is very confusing and hard to understand.

According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs these people don't have the very basic human Physiological Needs like food, water, a proper shelter to sleep & a place for activity.

* What people? Try: the people of ______
* Try using do not instead of abbreviations (don't)
* stop using the & symbol. Use the word and.
* the sentence is also un parallel try: food to eat, water to drink, shelter to sleep, and space to exercise.

Here comes the role of architecture to provide them with their rights by understanding the problems & searching for solutions that are culturally accepted, putting in mind this quote "The only disability in life is a bad attitude" by Sco Hamilton (an American figure skater with Shwachman-Diamond syndrome) . I decided to create the active wall , This Active wall is an intermediate building between the slum area "Ezbet El Hagana" & the project.

* "Here comes" is slang, try:
the role Architecture plays, provides the ______ people with rights through the understanding of the problems and the search for solutions that the culture accepts.
* I also changed this sentence into active voice.
Start a new sentence:
putting in mind this quote "The only disability in life is a bad attitude" by Sco Hamilton (an American figure skater with Shwachman-Diamond syndrome) . I decided to create the active wall , This Active wall is an intermediate building between the slum area "Ezbet El Hagana" & the project.

Put in mind this quote ... Through this I decided to create the active wall, this active wall is an intermediate building between the slum area of Ezbet El Hagana and the project

* lose the quotation marks

Its the placeThe wall is where people who are socially disabled socially disabled persons enter to the project where theyand find the basic needs such as : clean water (el sabil), employment opportunities, a training centre, consoling centre, a rehabilitation centre, a health clinic, and a community centre with a place for events e.g.: weddings & engagements, & a craft centre.

* not sure what consoling is
* I'm assuming there is only one centre so add the word a infront of them.

Also, this active wallThis active wall alsoincludes some small sports that can be used daily to release the negative power like boxing & table tennis. It's called active as when the people who are socially disabled enter they will be forced to interact in an active healthy way.

* The sentence highlighted in red is awkward.
It is called the active wall because when the people with social disabilities enter they are forced able to interact in a healthy and active way

* the use of the word forced gives the sentence a negative connotation

I have this vision aboutfor shaping the community, a vision where "Allall human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. Freedom to choose and be responsible for your their choices, the r ight to be accepted and loved unconditionally, and d ignity to be productive at all ages.

* or try " I have a vision to

*if this is a quote and you wish to change the wording (i strongly suggest you do) then use square brackets around the words you have changed.

rejected people by the communitypeople rejected by the community can find a shelter to live and function which in turn creates ...

By rejected people I mean abused individuals , pre-marriage pregnant women, divorced women, homeless women, elder people , disabled people, orphaned children, and homeless and street children.

* you have to connect the adjective to a person ex: homeless= homeless women or homeless people

In this Modern Family, elder people will mentor and help by theirthroughpast experiences. T he women and children will gain respect and feel productive in one way or another. The abused people will find inner healing through community service for the needy children children in need and the elder people.

The place there will not only help the reject people but engage them with the community as it will have a school, craft center, a training center & a clinic opened to everyone.

* rearrange sentence try:
The ________ will help the rejected individuals and implement them into the community through the school, craft centre, training pool, and health clinic open to all.

* The sentence below in red is random and disrupts the flow of the essay. This is another point all together that needs additional sentences to support it.

The desire to live a sustainable life through the use of solar & wind energy, recycling & organic desert plantation.
* the sentence below needs to be rewritten because it makes no sense
There is a quote "you are never free unless you have your own food", plant what you'll eat & sell or store the extra.

AtIn the end, I just wantwish to make this change in the community, to remove this proverb from Egypt "unfairness on all people is fairness" help them understand their value & the rights . this is what means the most to me.

* re arrange the Egypt sentence in red it is awkward
* STOP using the symbol &
* Use capital letters at the beginning of a sentence
* The last sentence is good BUT awkward rearrange it

The overall points of the essay are excellent how ever this is an admissions essay and it is going to be read by professors who expect top writing skills. I would hate to see these wonderful points go to waste. You need to read this essay aloud. If you had done this you would have caught a lot of the mistakes. I spent a lot of time editing this and I hope you do as well. Make sure to re read it three times then take a day off and re read it again. Say it aloud at least twice and see if it makes sense. Avoid using slang as well. Remember this is your future put in the effort.
Linds   
Apr 23, 2011
Book Reports / "The Power of Emotion" - Hamlet for grade 12 english [4]

Hamlet essay I need an 85% please edit and tell me what mark you would give if you were the teacher. That being said please provide feedback that you think will be beneficial to my academic performance.

The Power of Emotion

The power of the human mind is remarkable. The emotions the mind creates influence the decisions and actions of individuals; these feelings can leads to one's success or one's failures. In William Shakespeare's Hamlet, the emotion of fear plays a significant role in the advancement of the plot through Hamlet's fear of the unknown, Claudius' fear of retribution, and Gertrude's fear of loneliness.

Due to the unpredictable outcome of the future, Hamlet fears taking action in the present. Through out the play procrastination in one of Hamlet's predominant flaws that keeps him from following through with his course of action. Hamlet feels the needs to ensure that Claudius is responsible for his father's untimely death and does so by sharing his plan with Horatio. He instructs him to:

"Observe mine uncle: if his occulted guilt
do not unkennel in one speech,
It is a dammed ghost that we have seen..." (3.2. 79-81)
Hamlet continuously delays his plan for revenge by going to great lengths in order to prove Claudius' guilt. He needs confirmation numerous times before he takes action. These delays are a result of his fear for his unknown future.

The immediate remarriage between Gertrude and Claudius following the death of Hamlet Sr demonstrates the vulnerability and fear of loneliness that Gertrude possesses. The sudden romance has an impact on Hamlet that causes him to display his distaste towards his mother when he says:

Let me not think on't -- Frailty, thy name is woman!--
A little month, or ere those shoes were old
With which she followed my poor father's body,
Like Niobe, all tears;--why she, even she,--
O God! a beast that wants discourse of reason
Would have mourn'd longer,-- married with mine uncle,
My father's brother, but no more like my father
Than I to Hercules: within a month; (1.2. 147-153)
Gertrude uses the attention of another man to overcome her grief. In this speech Hamlet compares her to a beast and expresses his feelings of betrayal by his mother. He recognizes her lack of independence and he refers to her as a disgrace. Gertrude's fear of loneliness affect her emotions and contribute to Hamlet's reasoning.

Hamlet's unpredictable state of mind and impetuous actions leave Claudius uncertain and in fear of retribution. Following the performance The Mousetrap Claudius expresses his outrage towards Hamlet. He comes to the realization that Hamlet is aware of his sinful acts and becomes fearful of Hamlet's plan for revenge. He convinces himself and others that Hamlet has gone mad when he warns:

I like him not, nor stands it safe with us
To let his madness range. Therefore prepare you;
I your commission will forthwith dispatch,
And he to England shall along with you:
The terms of our estate may not endure
Hazard so dangerous as doth hourly grow
Out of his lunacies. (3.3. 1-7)
Claudius experiences feelings of paranoia and he divulges a plan to obliterate Hamlet. The fear of retribution influences Claudius' impetuous actions on Hamlet, leading to his downfall. The control that fear places on Claudius is evident through his panic and thoughtless plans.

The power of emotion is undeniable. The influence and tole it takes on oneself can over power one's reasoning and a single emotion can have an impact on individuals in multiple ways. The role of fear in William Shakespeare's Hamlet takes the characters on a journey past the point no return which in turn leads to the tragic downfall of Hamlet, Gertrude, and Claudius. Fear plays a significant role in the advancement of the plot, through Hamlet's fear of the unknown, Claudius' fear of retribution, and Gertrude's fear of loneliness.
Linds   
Apr 27, 2011
Book Reports / "The Power of Emotion" - Hamlet for grade 12 english [4]

Thank you so much, the only reason I did not expand on a lot of my ideas is because we had a 500 word limit and I was around 620 when I was finished.

I revised most of it.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME!
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