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Posts by ameddy
Joined: Jan 18, 2011
Last Post: Jan 22, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 4  
From: United States

Displayed posts: 5
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ameddy   
Jan 18, 2011
Undergraduate / "introduced to Economics" - trouble with flow of my statement of purpose for UTexas [2]

Hi! I'd say right now you have some solid base work for your statement. A general rule in writing is "show, don't tell." You may want to consider citing specific incidents that exemplify your positive characteristics.

For example, "Working as a Guest Service Supervisor has not only offered me the opportunity to expand my knowledge of the business environment, but it has provided me with experiences which facilitated important interaction and communication with others."

Give an example of a time when communication and teamwork was vital to your success in this position. How will this lend to you being a valuable member of the community?
ameddy   
Jan 18, 2011
Undergraduate / "CPP student in ARAMCO, Chemical engineering" - unique qualities [3]

In my early age, I was impressed on how cars can run and where the fuel is coming from or how it is made!
"At a young age I was impressed by how cars run, and where and how its fuel is made " would work better here.

I am not a native English speaker, but thanks to my mother who is an English teacher that besides the school taught me English, and my father who is a computer science major that made it very simple for me to understand information and communication technologies.

Here, try something like, "I am not a native English speaker, but thanks to school, the help of my mother, who is an English teacher, and my father, who is a computer science major, I've been able to understand information and communication technologies."

During my childhood and years at school, I knew ARAMCO as an oil company. I liked this company for its type of work and well reputation; it is the largest divers company in Saudi Arabia .

Good would be used in place of well here.

In addition to my parents, I heard a lot of people were talking and wishing if they could work for ARAMCO.
Here, try, "many people wished they could work for ARAMCO.

Its highly requirements made it very hard for anyone to work in ARAMCO.
Use high in place of highly.

Knowing that many applicants were rejected made me to study harder at school.
I think here you left out want to.

In contrast, being accepted as CPP student in ARAMCO, it means many things to me.
Here, I'm not sure if you need the, "In contrast" as you aren't comparing it to anything.

They will pay my scholarship at collage, they will prepare me well for collage, they will send me overseas for my collage degree and my future employment will be waiting for me on graduation.

Here, it's college, not collage. And, though this is nitpicking, on graduation should be changed to upon graduation

I am so fortunate girl to have a family with strong values and beliefs.
You're missing the article a. It should read, "I am such a fortunate girl..."

They have given me unconditional love which made me to be so much confidant girl with a lot of creative ideas .
"which has made me to be a more confident girl (or woman, which naturally connotes maturity and confidence) with a lot of creative ideas." Also, it might not hurt to expand on some creative ideas.

I like to develop and optimize processes and methods that would be to the benefit to the world .
"Benefit the world" would work better.

In addition, thinking of being an employee of ARAMCO had made me to think of studying in this field because it serves well for its major environmental concern and also make contributions to my country in developing better environment.

Here, I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to communicate. Are you trying to say your involvement with ARAMCO helped encourage your interest in chemical engineering?

I am an international student that will apply admission as an undergraduate student in Chemical Engineering.
"apply for admission"

An end note, when talking about the opportunities the college will provide you with, don't just discuss what they are, discuss how you would use them to further your education and career.
ameddy   
Jan 18, 2011
Writing Feedback / People care too much about their appearance than before. Do you agree? [6]

To add to the other suggestions, how about societal pressures? The fact that we as a society often judge a book by its cover? You are told to "dress to impress" for interviews, important gatherings, and such. There is a social stigma carried with not dressing well.
ameddy   
Jan 20, 2011
Undergraduate / "Writing is a form of telepathy." - art, design, writing, or architecture interest [3]

I posted this before, but got no response. Figured it must be extra terrible if no one wanted to help, so I had some friends look at it and tweaked it a bit:

Prompt:Describe when and how you became interested in art, design, writing, architecture, or the particular major to which you are applying. Describe how this interested has manifested itself in your daily life.

I've never been a talker. I've never been the one to grab everyone's attention in a room. I'm the girl in a corner with a book or a journal, or the one staring vacantly into space.

From a young age I suffered from social anxiety and depression. My mental state paralyzed me in social situations. I couldn't focus on a conversation enough to be responsive or interesting because I didn't feel connected to anything. On top of that, I had been raised in a house full of dialects and languages. I was never very confident in my English. As a child, however, this was praised. I was dutiful, gentle and lady-like. My Guyanese family saw nothing wrong with a girl being quiet. I was to be seen, not heard. To this day, my parents refuse to recognize that I had a problem.

The one thing that has helped me through my anxiety is my writing. I started out looking at picture books and making up my own stories. When my dad took me to the library, I would grab a book, plop down, and "read" my stories. Passers-by stopped to congratulate my father on having such an articulate four year old. When I was seven, my parents gave me the first Harry Potter novel for my birthday. I read it in two days and attempted to write in J.K. Rowling's style for the rest of the year. At age eleven, the first sparks of rebellion fired within me and instead of having dinner with visiting family members and making conversation about how much I'd grown, I locked myself in my parents' room and rooted through my dad's old college books. I read everything from Mark Twain to Plato that week. With these new treasures to encourage my writing, I plunged into my own world.

When I got to high school, I finally surfaced. I became more aware of the world. I was objectified as a woman and put in dangerous predicaments because of it. I was belittled by straight and gay communities because of my sexuality. I was ignored because of prejudices against mental diseases. I was marginalized by my "other-ness;" the part of me that couldn't fit into a neat little racial category. Slowly, I became aware that my power to fight off these injustices wouldn't be found in my speech, but in my writing. I started writing wherever I could, whenever I could. I wrote to fulfill my guilty pleasures and create new worlds. I wrote to improve the world I was living in and make it a better place. I wrote to make myself heard when no one could be bothered to listen.

Throughout my life, writing has been my coping mechanism. Stephen King likens writing to a form of telepathy and I'm completely invested in this idea. It's helped me become more vocal and social, but it's also helped me to seek change and reach out to people.
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