Writing Feedback / IELTS--mobile phone and youngsters, a necessity or evil [6]

I am trying to get band 7 in all modules, please kindly help me correct this essay. Thanks a bundle!
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With the booming of communication technology, the mobile phone has becoming a common equipment for daily use, even among youngsters. Thus raises the question of whether it is a necessity to equip children and young students with mobile phones. In my opinion it depends on what kinds of mobile phones are used and what the young students intend to use them for.

There are basicly two kinds of mobile phone. One is with the basic functions such as making phone calls and sending text messages, while as the technology grows, more youngsters intend to use "smartphones" instead due to its capabilities to install various kinds of softwares and its advanced functionality such as surfing the internet and playing online video games.

Some believe that using mobile phones has a negative effect on children, since kids tend to be easily distracted by incoming message, especially in class. Some would even becoming addicted to texting messages. For those who have smartphones, it is even harder to concentrate in class knowing they can do other business on their cellphones, which is apparently more interesting than the class itself. What's more, kids who have less self-deciplines, using smartphones to chat online or play video games can easily occupy their spare time and even do harm to their physical and mental health. That's why mobile phones are forbidden in some campus due to its negative effect on students' academic studies.

However, we cannot ignore those advantages to equip children with mobile phones. For one thing, parents can easily communicate with their kids instantly to feel safe, also kids can call for help whenever they need or in the case of an emergency, especially in high-crime-rate areas where kids are frequently reported missing. For another, smartphones have so many great softwares that can assist children to look up infomation as well as to organize their time well. What's more, they can easily access the school network to watch videos of lectures and catch up the section they might be missing in class. Such a useful tool is easy to carry and use, therefore it can certainly boost up their efficiency and effectiveness in academic study.

So the question is how to use the mobile phone in a healthy way while avoiding it becoming a "gameboy". Anyway, the main objective for youngsters are still academic study. Certain rules for mobile phone use are suggested in campus and at home, for example, all phones are obliged to be switched off during class and smartphones are only experimental to those whose academic grades are less affected or even improved.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; The society would benefit from a ban on all forms of advertising! [5]

The society would benefit from a ban on all forms of advertising because it serves no useful purpose, and can even be damaging. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Advertising has been blooming in the past decades due to the ever soaring development of commercial industry. However, some think it serves no useful purpose, and can some times be damaging, thus all forms of advertising should be banned. In my opinion, not all froms of advertising is useless and some would even play a positive role in improving the society.

The origin of advertising rooted in the very beginning of commercial industry. Advertisements were printed on newspaper and broadcast on air in order for a good sale. The basic concept goes on for centuries. Today there are so many forms of advertisements that they may become annoying sometimes. Admittedly some advertisements were misleading, deceptable, or even damaging to customers because the products are not as good as they are claimed to be. For instance, the advertisement of "san lu" milk for infants has been broadcast for so many year and the products have earned customers' trust throughout china, however years ago incidents have been reported that infants have suffered from kidney stones after using the product, only to find the milk has an ingredient that is far beyond national standard. This kind of advertisement should certainly be banned for the benifit of society.

Nevertheless, not all products on advertisements are fake or harmful. Cooperates and companies nowadays needs advertisement in order to survive in fierce competition. These kinds of advertisement should not be banned, otherwise huge impact would affect the business and commercial world. Beside there are other forms of advertising that we call public-interest advertisement, aims in broadcasting healthy concept in helping to make a better world, such as protecting environment or eliminating discriminations. Never should any advertisment in this form be banned but they should even be encouraged.

So the question lies in whether there is a mechnism to filter the unnecessary and farmful advertisement. It is the duty of governments and media organizations to establish such a system to make sure that customers are the beneficiaries of the advertising, rather than being the victoms.

To conclude, not all forms of advertising should be banned, and those which have a positive inflence to the society should be preserved.

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Can I get a 7 in ielts writing? Thanks for the valuable advice!

Writing Feedback / IELTS--the characteristics we are born vs. our personality and development [2]

Topic: Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in our life.

Which do you consider to be the major influence.

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It has been debated over centuries whether the innate characteristics or the postnatal experiences we have in life play a dominant role in influencing our personality and development.

A research indicates that characteristics we are born with have much more influences. Children would inherite some of the characteristics from their parents, which is inevitable. These characteristics may include some good qualities such as gentleness, patience, fast response, and endurances, whereas some bad quality such as impatience, bad temper and lack of concentration. For example, a great tennis player would not only be required to have a good response but also to be mentally stable under pressure, and this is the quality largely determined natually.

However, not every job requires the exact same people, that is why we see so many different people accomplish a job in the same quality but in very different ways. Another reseach indicates that early and postnatal experience such as education can alter our character in a dramatic way. A study on a girl raised by wolves shows that, though in the shape of human, the girl behaved exactly like wolves, and the very little personality born with human extinguished during the period. There is also another theory about how the early education can build the excellence within a child. With the proper guidence a child can keep and impove those good quality and may also abandon the bad ones. Also in our later experiences as a grown up, our characteristics were influenced subtly by the world around us. Certain incidents such as disasters can help us change our way of seeing the world and dealing matters. The ability to learn from the outside world and reform our mind and soul is essentially what human distinguish from animals.

To sum up, we admit the natual characteristics born with us are important as some talents can never be replaced, nevertheless can we ignore the experiences we have in life that would contribute a lot more to our personality and development.

Letters / An abroad trip for language training - a recommending letter. [4]

TOPIC: A company is organizing an abroad trip for language training to a number limited place. Please write a letter:
　　1. Express you want to join;
　　2. Why you think you should join;
　　3. Why the organizer should select you

(I was thinking "A company" refers that "I" should not be one of its employees, right?)
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Dear Mr. Smith,

Thank you so much for your time. My name is Mike Chang, and I am a free lance writer. I am writing this letter in recommending myself to take part in the language training program that you organized.

From the program introduction on the web, I learned that the training courses will be held in China, including Beijing and Shanghai, where your team have never been to, and you were looking for someone who can teach English and also knew the place well.

In this case, I can see no one fits this job better than me. As a Chinese who was born and raised in Shanghai, but also have worked in Beijing for two years, I know both cities well. Moreover, I have been living in XXX for 6 years writing journals for newspapers, which makes me confident on my English skills. Also I intended to go back to China next month, to see my family and friends, as well as doing some reseach in recent development in China. Your program is a great opportunity for me to achieve both, thanks to the teaching work, I can talk to students from various fields. I am sure this will be a fantastic experience for me.

Besides, I can certainly bring some delight to the team, as I can plan a local tour as our lesure activity. Also, if you need, I can contact my friends in media and bring more influence to our program by putting up local advertisements. Most of all, I ask for no other payments besides my round trip tickets, and I am willing to stay with my family and friends' place which is right beside our hotels, which will definitely limit your cost.

Anyway, please consider my request and I am sure you won't regret it. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely

Mike
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Thanks for your valuable advice!