Essays / Topic - Violence in Children's Television [7]

Blingles,
In all but the shortest persuasive essays, make sure you respond to the most powerful or common objections to your position. This gives you credibility and allows you to persuade readers who take the time to think of objections to your argument. For example, they might say:

1. My personal experience watching violent television shows as a child contradicts your position, so I will reject it. After all, if violent television increased violence, we would all be violent.

2. The studies linking violent television to desensitization and suspicion are flawed. They represent events in the laboratory, where children respond to researchers' expectations.
3. Violent television provides entertainment, moral instruction (e.g., through the values displayed by violent heroes), employment, and other benefits that outweigh the risk they increase violence.

4. Our culture is saturated with violence, so reducing the amount in children's television will have no effect. In fact, it may leave them ill-prepared to deal with the violence they will encounter in media as they age.

5. Violent entertainment gives children an outlet for their aggression, so it actually reduces aggression.

I doubt you will have the space to answer all of these objections in detail, but you should at least respond to the ones you think your readers are most likely to make or to find persuasive.

Like your teacher, I would recommend narrowing your topic. This has several advantages:
1. You can spend more time reinforcing your argument, which will enable you to present it in a more compelling way. For example, you might be able to couple statistics and study results with real world examples.

2. Your information is more likely to be new to your reader, which should make it more interesting.
3. You'll have more time to respond to objections.
4. You'll have less research to do.

If you're worried you will not have enough to say, ask what questions readers might have about your topic. Considering the scary world syndrome, they might want to know:

1. What is the theory behind the scary world syndrome? In other words, how do violent television shows cause children to be suspicious about the world?

2. How have the theories' proponents supported it? Can they site real-world evidence and show that the scary world syndrome has a long-term effect?
3. Aside from increasing violence, what are the implications of the scary world syndrome? For example, does it affect children's ability to make friends, form close relationships with their family, or take risks (e.g., raising their hand to answer a question when they aren't sure of the answer) in front of others?

4. What do critics of the scary world syndrome theory say about it? How would you respond?
5. What should we do about scary world syndrome? Why is this the appropriate course of action?
6. Does your suggestion have any side benefits?
7. Does your suggestion have any disadvantages? If so, how would you respond?

You should also feel free to make your position more nuanced. For example, if there are situations where you consider violence acceptable or beneficial in children's television, you could discuss those situations.

In presenting readers' potential objections and topics you could discuss, I am not trying to discourage you from arguing against media violence or taking the stance in your initial outline. I am merely trying to show how much you can write about a narrow topic.

While it has been several years since I have researched media violence, I can offer at least three sources:
Craig A. Anderson, the director of the Center for the Study of Violence, who posts all of the articles he's published since 1995 on his website (psychology.iastate.edu/~caa);

Gerard Jones, who argues that violent entertainment gives children a much-needed sense of power, a way to socialize with their peers, and a much-needed break from reality involving worlds where the good guys always win;

Jeffrey H. Goldstein, a humanities professor who tries to understand why people find violent media entertaining and argues that many of the studies linking violent media to aggression ignore the distinction between actual aggression and play.

These sources focus on video games, but I suspect you can find people more interested in television by looking at the researchers they work with or cite.

If you have any questions or feedback on my feedback, let me know.

Writing Feedback / 'Melchett appears to have...' - How can I phrase this better? [4]

You need to explain the link between the quote and your conclusion. Instead of presenting your quote, then stating the conclusion you reach from it, present the quote, then talk about the words or phrases that lead you to that conclusion. For example, you could write something like:

With "Well, best of luck to you," Melchett is making it clear he will not be involved with his friends' venture. By apologizing, he acknowldges that they would appreciate his help. To justify his cowardice, he stresses his age, hoping they will assume he is no longer fit enough to contribute and might even slow them down. By mentioning his unreliable heart and wooden bladder, he suggests that fighting poses more risk for him than it does for most men and implies that his health might fail when they need him most. By referencing his status as a general, he (observation). By prefacing his excuses with "obviously," he (observation). Since he presents these excuses so quickly rather than pausing to consider whether he should go, we know he has no real desire to accompany his friends.

Close with a sentence that explains how all this information links to your overall thesis.

I don't think this quote alone is enough to justify the conclusion that the war forced Melchett to adopt a selfish attitude. I'm not familliar with the story you're discussing, but I suspect you could write an interesting essay on that topic alone. If you decide to do that, try to explain why you think Melchett represents the typical soldier, not just one possible reacton to the war. Even then, you might qualify your thesis by saying the war caused many men, not all men, to focus on themselves.

Does that help? Do you need any additional help?

Writing Feedback / 'Melchett appears to have...' - How can I phrase this better? [4]

If I had to choose between the two paragraphs presented, I would go with the second one because it makes a more controversial contention. However, you could write a great essay on either topic as long as you expand your thesis to include more interesting arguments. Right now, both paragraphs end with the observation that Blackaddler takes a satirical approach while Journey's End takes a serious approach. While I haven't read either book, I suspect this will be obvious to anyone that has. If it is, they'll have no reason to read the essay.

To pull the reader in, you need to close your introductory paragraph with a thesis statement, a sentence or two that starts with your main argument and ends with a brief summary of the supporting evidence. For example, you could write, "Journey's End conveys the consequences of World War I more effectively than Blackaddler by using graphic images that shock the reader rather than humor that distracts them from what's actually going on, focusing on the war's effects rather than the relationships between the characters, and (third argument)." Alternately, you could write something like, "Blackaddler does a more effective job of conveying the effects of World War I by using exxaggeration to draw attention to effects that would otherwise be too subtle to notice, using humor to deal with topics that would otherwise be too graphic for most readers, and (third argument)." You could even do something like, "It is impossible to compare Journey's End and Blackaddler because they have different goals. Journey's End focuses on the war's effects on frontline soldiers, while Blackaddler deals with the impact on civilians and others who avoided the front line." Like all thesis statements, these sentences tell the reader what you're going to say and how you're going to prove it, which helps her decide whether to continue reading and makes understanding your evidence much easier.

As you're deciding what to argue, you should consider how interesting the argument is, how much you'll enjoy presenting it, and whether you'll be able to find solid supporting evidence. Sometimes you'll start writing an essay only to discover midway through that you no longer agree with your main point or that the process of writing has given you a better one. If that happens and you have the time, consider a thorough rewrite.

Does that help? Do you have any other questions?

Essays / I need help to get started on a "how to essay" about what teachers write [2]

If you're having trouble coming up with a title and an introductory paragraph, consider outlining or writing the rest of the essay first. In the process, you should start to understand what you want to say, which will make choosing an appropriate title and writing the introduction much, much easier.

If you can't find any research on the writing teachers do, think about what you've seen them do and look for general research on that topic. For example, you have probably seen or heard of teachers writing syllabuses to tell students what will happen when, writing letters to parents to explain what's going on in class or to request field trip funds, and writing notes on students' papers to give them feedback. Perhaps you could find information on writing agendas, schedules or letters in other situations and apply it to teaching. Alternately, you could do research on what makes feedback effective in the classroom or in the workplace, then explain how these guidelines can be applied when grading papers.

Does that help? Do you have any other questions?

Research Papers / Need help in writing a research paper on a historical event? [2]

I don't think we can say for sure whether the essay topic is appropriate for your course unless you tell us the guidelines for the assignment. However, I suspect the topic will work well. Many college professors devote their entire career to analyzing speeches, so I'm sure you'll be able to make interesting observations about the speech you reference.

As you decide how to develop the topic, consider looking at the speaker's goals, the barriers she must overcome to achieve those goals, and the strategies she uses to overcome those barriers, make her point compelling, and motivate action. You might also ask yourself how she uses her status as a child to give her message extra force; why she makes her points through stories rather than relying on statistics; why she acknowledges that she comes from a land of wealth and privilege, then criticizes it; why she points out the contrast between what adults teach and how they act; and why she repeats "I'm only a child, but..." You probably won't be able to answer all of these questions in only 1,000 words-and there are many others you could ask-but if you answer some of them, you should be able to make a compelling argument that helps explain the speech's effectiveness.

As you work on the research paper, I would encourage you to break the assignment into smaller tasks. For example, you could divide it into the following steps:

1. Find sources relevant to your topic.
2. Write a works cited page for those sources.
3. Take notes on those sources.
4. Outline what you want to say, noting which source your support comes from and what page it is on in that source.
5. Draft the essay.
6. Revise the essay.

Ideally, this segmentation should make writing the research paper less daunting because you won't have as much to worry about at once, and you'll be able to see clear signs off progress. It should also make you more efficient by allowing you to focus on one task at a time instead of switching between them.

Did my answer help? Do you have any other questions?

Research Papers / Research Paper on Shyness or Social Anxiety Topic [5]

Comparing social anxiety and shyness would be a good topic as long as you can find enough differences between them to make the comparison meaningful. If you can't, you might try comparing shyness and social anxiety to introversion (the desire to be alone even though you don't fear social situations).

Trying to determine whether shyness has a genetic component would also be a good topic. However, if you come up with an answer that is irrefutable-that is, if you find mountains of evidence that shyness has a genetic component-you might want to broaden the topic to include several different causes, such as the ways people are raised, where they're from, and what they believe about the world. Otherwise, you might end up spending most of the paper reproving something you've already proven just to fill space. Another way to avoid this problem would be arguing that genes are the most significant cause of shyness, then explaining why the other causes are less significant.

If comparing shyness and social anxiety or researching their causes doesn't appeal to you, there are several other topics you could look at. For example, you could research the costs of social anxiety for the people with it, the impact it has on their families, the strategies they use to compensate for their shyness, the ways people cure shyness, and the ways other people react to shyness. You could even look at shyness' benefits, which might include encouraging people tp pursue solitary but useful activities like writing. The trick is to find a topic that excites you and that you can research and make interesting observations about.

Graduate / (surface production facilities) my SOP for master degree in petroleum engineering [3]

Although your statement of purpose is decent, I suspect it would be much stronger if you included more details about the research you did in college. For example, instead of saying "I was assigned to make plenty of researches and presentations," you could say something like, "I conducted research and made presentations on several new technologies, including novel drilling fluids that greatly reduce friction in horizontal laterals, drill bit geometries for particularly hard formations, and logging-while-drilling instruments for high pressure/high temperature wells." This will show your knowledge of the industry's technical challenges and reinforce the idea that you're passionate about technology. If you pick the right examples, it might also show that you have a background in the areas you want to study.

When you discuss your work experience, consider pointing out some of your accomplishments. For example, did you apply emerging technologies to reduce the facilities' construction or operating costs, design a facility for unusually sour or otherwise challenging gas, or come up with ways to transport gas more efficiently? Like the details about your research, this will show your knowledge of the industry. More importantly, it will suggest that you're a go-getter, soemone that looks for ways to improve operations and puts them into practice. That will show the university you'll put your education to good use, which should make you much, much more desirable.

I hope my comments reach you in time and are clear enough to be useful. Regardless, good luck with your application.

Essays / (AUBG education) - How to continue this essay? [5]

The question asks you to explain how attending AUBG will "broaden your global perspective" and "cultivate your capacity," so your essay needs to answer those questions. Since it's an admissions essay, you also want to show why you're a desirable student, someone who has the work ethic to succeed and the desire to impact other people in positive ways. Your first paragraph should provide background information and close with a sentence that summarizes your main points. For example, you might write something like:

Business and computer related fields have profound significance and application, so I long to pursue degrees in business and information systems. I have always wanted a career connected with business with the computer as my main tool. Strategic planning, data management and e-business are the core fundamentals of my chosen curriculums. I want to pursue these curriculums at AUBG because the courses offered there will give me a global perspective and increase my ability to impact others by exposing me to people and business practices from around the world, sharpening my teamwork and communication skills and allowing me to dig deeper into important technical subjects.

Notice that the introductory paragraph's final sentence has an overall point that directly addresses the assignment by referencing a global perspective and implying that AUBG will "cultivate your capacity" to impact others. Then the sentence presents three supporting arguments:

1. Going to AUBG will expose you to people and business practices from around the world.
2. Going to AUBG will sharpen your teamwork and communication skills.
3. Going to AUBG will allow you dig deeper into important technical subjects.

These arguments are only examples. I tried to come up with ones that fit with what you said in the initial paragraph, but you should use others if they're more appropriate to who you are and what you want to say.

From there, you should develop each of your supporting arguments in the order they're presented. So if you use the arguments above, you would start with a paragraph that explains how AUBG will expose you to people and business practices from around the world, then ties that to your overall argument that AUBG will give you a global perspective and increase your ability to impact others. The next paragraph would explain how AUBG will sharpen your teamwork and communication skills, then show how this is important by tying it to your overall argument. And the third would show how AUBG will help you dig deeper into the technical spheres you mentioned and explain why that's important by tying them to your overall argument. This structure should make it clear to the reader how going to AUBG will help you understand people from around the world and help them using your business acumen and information technology.

Ideally, you should close with a sentence or paragraph that summarizes your essay. For example, you might say, "By giving me a deeper understanding of these technical subjects, allowing me to practice working in teams and communicating with others, and exposing me to people from around the world, an AUBG education will give me the global perspective and skills to help other people using my knowledge of business and information technology."

Does this help? Do you have any other questions?

Research Papers / Preparing for research in HR - suggestions? [5]

Am I correct in thinking that "hr" stands for "human resources?" If so, are you asking us for suggestions on topics to research, or suggestions on a letter requesting advice on topics to research?

Research Papers / Preparing for research in HR - suggestions? [5]

I am sure there are. You should be able to find them by googling "Master's Human Resources Online." Alternately, you could search sites like gradschools.com for online graduate degree programs. gradschools.com/search-programs/online-programs/human-resou rces should show you several schools with online, graduate-level programs in human resources or similar fields, so I suspect you can find one that emphasize research or at least offers courses on research methods.

Having said that, I would be surprised if Indragandhi National Open University does not offer a course on research methods. To my understanding, research is a key part of graduate-level education. Since most graduate students need to do research, the university likely offers courses on it.

If you can't find a course on research methods, you could look for magazine articles that discuss research methods in human resources. By Googling "Human Resources Research Methods Abstract," I found several:

onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/hrdq.3920030314/abstract
ideas.repec.org/p/iim/iimawp/wp00669.html
jstor.org/discover/10.2307/25092679?uid=3739672&uid=2129&ui d=2&uid=70&uid=4&uid=3739256&sid=55886251543
adh.sagepub.com/content/4/3/355.abstract

Does that help?

Grammar, Usage / Is using more tense in a writing good? [6]

When you say "using more tense," do you mean "using words that show when something happened relative to now, such as will or have?" If so, the answer is yes as long as the tenses you use are accurate (e.g., you would use "I hiked five miles" for a hike in your past, "I will hike five miles" for a hike in your future, "I am hiking five miles" for a hike that is happening now, and "I have started hiking five miles" for a hike that started in the past and is still continuing). If that is not what you mean by tense, what do you mean?

Essays / Ideas? A five-page essay/autobiography describing personal and professional history [8]

Did you give your name somewhere else on the form, or if it's online, earlier in the process? If so, you don't need to give your name again unless the instructions for the essay say you should.

Since the essay is of a decent length, you might want to include a title. However, don't worry about that until after you've finished the essay and you know what you want to say. Just start writing so you aren't staring at a blank page. Later, you can go over your essay and improve it.

Does that help? Do you have any other questions?

Essays / Ideas? A five-page essay/autobiography describing personal and professional history [8]

It looks like you're supposed to write a sequential narrative that explains what you want to study at APU, why you want to study it and what you've done within that subject so far. You could start with something like "I first became interested in [the subject you want to study] when..." Then go from there, recounting experiences that strengthened your interest, helped you discover the specific subfields you're interested in, and taught you how to approach the subject. Does that make sense?

Scholarship / "Holocaust Remembrance - remember and understand" Scholarship Essay [2]

I don't know where the scholarship comes from, but given the prompt, I suspect it's motivated partly by a desire to inspire people to research the Holocaust and encourage them to think about the lessons it has to teach. With that in mind, your essay should show off your research skills. Right now, there are only three reasons to think you've done research on this topic beyond that required of most students:

1. You open with a great quote from Night, a holocaust memoir (great!);
2. You provide an overview of the horrors commited during the Holocaust (but I suspect most people your age can do this); and
3. You mention researching other topics, such as lynching and bullying (okay).

This is all good, but your essay would be much stronger if you had more direct examples of research, such as obscure quotes that back up your key claims. For example, you could cite excerpts from Nazi literature or reformed Nazi memoirs that explain why the Third Reich feared and despised Jews to reinforce your contention that their hatred stemmed from fear. You could also use comments from reformed Nazis or racists to show that knowledge reduces that fear.

On a nonrhetorical note, I suspect that the hate stems less from "fear of the unknown" as it does from "fear of losing power, opportunity, and a chance to live in a world that reflects their values." People refer to Mexicans as "wetbacks" not because they deny that Mexicans are people but because immigrants take jobs that might have otherwise gone to natives. I don't know enough about the Jim Crow laws to address them with any authority. However, I know many people oppose same-sex marriages not because they fear the unknown but because they think they know the consequences. In their eyes, same-sex marriage would undermine the sanctity of traditional marriages, deny society a tool for promoting a useful family structures, and send the wrong message about same sex relationships. Your comment that Jews were deamed a "threat" to the Third Reich suggests the Nazis regarded them the same way.

Since you asked for a proofread, not comments on the essay overall, I thought I might provide a light edit as well. In the opening quote, consider inserting "a holocaust memoir" after the book's title if it's possible your audience won't recognize the book. Since you're writing for a Holocaust-themed scholarship and I get the impression Night is one of the major works of Holocaust literature, you should be fine as is.

In the second paragraph, consider changing "killing" to a stronger word like "murder" or "slaughter." I would also suggest deleting the "over" before "six million" to highlight the six million, which is more important than the smaller number above six million, but I'm not sure if that's appropriate here; try it and see which sounds better to you. I would recommend deleting "as affected by then-Chancellor of Germany Adolf Hitler;" since most people know who Hitler is, bringing him up complicates the sentence structure without advancing your argument. Finally, try deleting the "undeniably" before "difficult to forget" to see if the "difficult" sounds stronger alone.

In the second paragraph, consider changing "until such a time came, if they were still aive, for them to be transported to" to "until their oppressors were ready to transport them-if they were still alive-to concentration camps." I would also suggest deleting the spaces that appear after the dashes that separte the "people" section and changing the final one from "they were people with unique personalities, smiles, laughs" to "people with..." so it's consistent with the other two. Finally, please expand the final sentence to something like, "The rest lies in the questions it causes people to ask" to complete your thought.

In the next paragraph, delete the space separating the hyphen in "ever-present" from "present." In the second to last paragraph, consider describing Proposition 8 briefly for people that aren't from California unless your audience will be. You could write, "And when California proposed a same-sex marriage ban through Proposition 8, riots ensued," but I'm not sure that example illustrates the point you want it to make. To me, the rioting that followed is an example of people expressing their frustration at others' conservative politics, not an example of hate-spawned cruelty. You might be better of saying something ike "And in California and many other states, people feared the thought of same-sex couples getting married so much they modified their states' consittutions to prevent it."

In the final paragraph, consider deleting the "maybe" before "we need to try harder." In general, qualifiers like "maybe" and "perhaps" suggest you're unsure of your position, which reduces your credibility. I would also suggest shortening "when such a time arises we don't understand" to "when we don't understand" and "I do not believe that hate will ever be truly eliminated from our midst" to "I do not believe hate will ever be eliminated." And as usual, there shouldn't be a space after the hyphen in "grand-scale." You should also delete the comma before the "is."

If you're writing for an American audeince, not people in the United Kingdom, Canada, or countries that follow their practices, you should place periods and other punctuation within quotation marks. While that doesn't make as much sense as putting them outside the quatation marks, it's the standard practice here.

As you can probably tell my comments, I didn't find many typos or other errors. In fact, your essay is written well. The sentences are varied, the words are precise, and the organization is logical. However, it would be much stronger with more evidence of research, especially if that evidence reinforces your contentions.

Did I provide the help you were looking for? Do you have any other questions?

Undergraduate / The redemption of Sydney Carton in A Tale of Two Cities [2]

While your overall argument about Carton's reasons for his sacrifice and the evidence you use to support it seem sound, I had trouble following your essay the first few times I read your essay.. I believe there are three steps you can take to make it easier to follow. First, please close your introduction with a thesis statement, a sentence that contains your overall argument and explains how you're going to support it. This will help your readers remember your key arguments and link the evidence you present to them.

Second, please start each paragraph after the introduction with a topic sentence that explains what you're trying to show. For example, in the second paragraph, you could write something like, "Until he makes the decision to sacrifice himself, Carton despises his life." This has two benefits:

1. It tells your reader what you're going to try to prove, which will make your logic easier to follow.
2. It gives your paragraphs focus so you know what to include and what to ignore.

You have topic sentences in your third and fourth paragraph, but they're awfully similar. The first one says the sacrifice is good for Carton because it redeemed him, and the second one says it redeemed his life. I would recommend rewriting the paragraphs and topic sentences so they build on each other or tie into your overall argument.

Finally, in the paragraphs themselves, please link your quotes to the point you're trying to make rather than relying on the reader to make the leap. Ideally, you should do this by looking at the words in the quote. To illustrate, let's take a look at your third paragraph:

"Carton redeemed his life through his sacrificial act. When he was walking after getting chemicals from the apothecary he was walking like " a tired man, who had wandered and struggled and got lost, but who at length struck into his road and saw its end,"(Dickens 384). Even though his life was short lived, Carton was exhausted and ready to die. He was happy to give up his life for the benefit of others."

This is a great quote, but the reader has to link it to Carton being exhausted but happy to give up his life. You can make the link much stronger by replacing the last two sentences with a more detailed explanation. For example:

This sentence suggests that Carton feels exhausted because he had spent much of his life lost off the proper path. Because he had "wandered" and "struggled," we know he always was looking for the right path. That he "at length struck into his road" tells us he has found it, and "saw its end" implies he is close to achieving what he has always wanted to achieve. Since this sentence appears after Carton made the decision to sacrifice himself, it must represent the proper path and the period of struggle must be the many years he spent as a selfish, self-loathing drunk. Since he is close to achieving what he wants to achieve, we know his transformation from that creature into a selfless man has helped him redeem himself in his own eyes.

This explanation is much lengthier than the original, but it allows your readers to follow your logic with fewer mental leaps, which will make it much more likely they'll understand and believe what you're trying to say. They'll still have to make a few mental leaps, but because you're highlighting the evidence that leads to each conclusion, the leaps will be small and easy enough for most readers to make them.

The detailed explanations have a side effect that might at first be distressing: Because you'll need to spend time explaining the link between each quote or summary and the point you want to make, you won't be able to fit as many quotes and claims into your paper. While this can be frustrating if you want to make a complicated argument with your essay, it's often beneficial. It'll force you to focus on your most compelling points and the best evidence, which should make your essay more enjoyable and persuasive. If you make those points easy to follow with a thesis statement and topic sentences, you'll have a fantastic essay.

Essays / Humans are both blessed and cursed ; Philosophical english essay [2]

This essay would be much easier to follow and more compelling if you told readers what you were trying to prove quickly. With that in mind, I would recommend rewriting your opening paragraph so it concludes with a thesis statement, a brief summary of the point you're trying to make and ideally the supporting evidence you'll use. For example, you could write "Through the dragon's musings, Beowulf's quest for glory, and Unferth's collapse,.John Gardner's novel Grendel shows the importance of purpose and implies that we need to create or find it ourselves." This tells the reader what you're trying to say and lists your main subtopics in the order you'll cover them, which will make moving from one point to the next and linking each point to your overall argument easier.

Before your thesis statement, you should provide enough background information that people can understand it. As you do so, try to write using concrete imagery rather than abstract concepts. I don't know how to explain this without an example, so I'm going to write one:

In my junior year of high school, I made a mistake that I thought would be a blessing: I chose not to work so I could have more free time. I got my free time, but I quickly discovered that without a job to give my life structure and meaning, I grew restless and unhappy. I had everything I needed to survive, but something in me told me that I needed to do more. The number of people who build monuments out of Legos, get high scores in Pac-Men, or solve 10,000 piece Jigsaw puzzles suggests I am far from alone in needing a purpose. Nor am I the first to recognize it. For proof, consider John Gardner's novel Grendel. Through Beowulf's quest for glory, Unferth's fall, and the dragon's musings, the novel shows that everyone must find a purpose to be happy.

This is far from perfect, but I hope it illustrates how much stronger concrete examples are. If you need proof removed from this essay, consider the Bible. There is a reason it says "take the beam out of your eye, and then you will see clearly enough to take the spec out of your brother's" rather than saying something like, "Before you judge others, recognize your own faults." Images are more fun to read and easier to remember.

I have two other suggestions. First, rewrite the paragraph on Beowulf and your conclusion so the first sentence states what the paragraph will be about rather than making general observations about humanity. For examples, see your paragraphs on the dragon and Unferth. There are two advantages to stating the main argument in each paragraph's first sentence:

1. It helps the reader follow your argument ;
2. It's more specific to the subject, so it feels more relevant and therefore more interesting.

Finally, when you present evidence from the text, explain how it supports your conclusion. Right now, you frequently present the evidence and state the conclusion you draw from it without referring back to the text. That means the reader has to figure out how the text supports your conclusion. Even if all of your readers are intimately familiar with the text, and motivated enough to create the links, they might not see the evidence you see. Even if they do, you'll look more credible if you take the time to point it out. For example, in the paragraph on the dragon, you state:

The dragon goes on to explain how everything within the universe arises as a result of a virtuous circle, "complexity beyond complexity, accident on accident" (Gardner 71). This establishes that everything is the result of natural processes, time, and chance; therefore nothing has any inherent meaning. Meaning is an abstract concept, existing independently from the natural world, and therefore can only be assigned by an intelligent mind. If the dragon's model of the universe is true there is no intelligence with the authority to assign value and purpose. In such a universe no inherent purpose exists, there is no power to assign value or purpose, therefore any purpose must be found or created within the natural world.

Consider something like:
"By attributing everything in the university to "complexity beyond complexity," the dragon implies that it comes about from a combination of natural processes, time and chance too vast for even the sharpest mind to understand. With "accident on accident," the dragon suggests these events occur not because of some divine hand or overriding purpose but because of chance. If the dragon is right, then without an external authority to give life meaning or the ability to explain how and why it originated, people must find or create their own purpose."

The idea is to point out which parts of the text lead you to each conclusion. The reader will still have to make some leaps (for example, they'll have to understand what "accident" means), but the leaps will be much smaller and easier to make. As a result, they'll understand and believe you more often.

You can probably tell that I have fun giving feedback on essays. However, I want to make sure that it's useful. Am I being helpful? Am I giving you too much information at once? Also, are you comfortable with me trying to use examples from your essay rather than generic examples?