Scholarship / Vietnamse student - "Why are you the one deserving our scholarship?" [4]

Dear Bui Nguyen Dan Chi,

You should cut the first paragraph as it looks like copied from the Internet.

Besides, the second paragraph is too long.
My love for Quang Binh is beyond the descriptive power of words. The streets, the lines of trees or the benches I sit on after long walks every night are so close to me. Besides, I receive the loving care from my relatives who have stood by my side for eighteen years, sharing with me both ups and downs. So, I have decided to come back to my hometown, trying my best to make it more beautiful and prosperous.

I used to dream of spending my college days in faraway Western countries. However, when it comes to making my decision where to go, I choose RMIT Vietnam thanks to a heart-touching post I read on Facebook named "How many times will you meet your parents?". If I study oversea, how many times I will meet my parents, I wonder.To be honest,my mom's heart trouble is getting worse plus high blood pressure as the result of the painstaking dedication to the family all her whole life. What if I couldn't come to her side in time when she is down and needs my helping hands? I am so scared of that! RMIT with an international environment will meet all what I need: a place which is just 45 minutes flying from Quang Binh, a place to "say goodbye to Vietnamese" when studying, eating and chatting, and a place where there areis a variety of books in the library. In Quang Binh, English books are rare as most people have no demand for them (a great number do not know what IELTS or TOEFL is!). Furthermore, it is not very often to see foreigners here, let alone speak to them. In RMIT, everything is vice versa. How can I miss a chance to study in such an ideal environment?

I was a member of Quang Binh "Little Reporter" Club during my secondary school days. Though I am not "little" anymore,and I still write articles for newspapers like Quangbinhonline.com, Quang Binh's newspaper orand "Hanh trinh moi", most of which are about students around my age. Now I am aalso very active member of Funny hip hop dance club in my hometown. Dancing, in my opinion, is also as dancing is a kind of sport whichit makes me healthier and more flexible. Moreover, as a Secretary of Youth Union of the class, I am the leader in almost every social activity that we take part in. The motto "United we stand, divided we fall" greatly inspires me as I consider solidarity the most important thing in ateamwork and pair work. Consequently, my class is always the leading flag in school activities.

I wish you look and happiness as I see you are really motivated person. Hope your mother will recover and you will get the needed scholarship.

Writing Feedback / "a survey of children's activities" - IELTS writing task 1 sample: Pie Graph [9]

"Fined" means "penalized".
So as to avoid this, you need to improve your writing by adding more numbers/figures given, as Turbina advised you.