Hi everyone,
I'm a Vietnamse student applying for a scholarship of an International University in Vietnam. They require these in the essays:
- Your goals
- Your contributions to the community
- Educational achievements
- Your commitment to the area of study
I completed my first draft but it turned out to be 979 words! While the maximum is just 600. T_T. Can you help me cut down on the number of words and make corrections in my grammar and vocab? Many thanks.
Here is my work:
Dear RMIT,
I was born and grew up in Quang Binh, a province 1200 km from Ho Chi Minh city. Life here is still very hard due to low educational level and distance from economic centers. Consequently, I do not have the chances of learning English as my peers in big cities. Every time I see English lecturers on TV or read about English courses, I feel really upset and envious with those who can speak to foreigners and attend all those courses. Therefore, I used to dream of spending my college days in Western countries. However, when it comes to making my decision, I choose RMIT Vietnam thanks to a heart-touching article I read on Facebook : "How many times will you meet your parents?". If I study overseas, how many times I will meet my parents, I wonder. My mom's heart trouble is getting worse plus high blood pressure as the result of the painstaking dedication to the family. What if I couldn't come to her side in time when she is down and needs my helping hands? Luckily, RMIT will meet all what I need: a place which is just 45 minutes flying from Quang Binh, a university to use only English when studying, eating and chatting, and a learning environment of international standards.
Considering a scholarship of RMIT as a motivation, I have paid close attention to laying a solid academic foundation and thus get the average score of over 9.0 for 3 years of high school. A big love for English encouraged me to win 3 first provincial prizes in 2008, 2009 and 2010, a Fourth prize in 2010 and a Third prize in 2011 in the National contest for Gifted students. As a result, I received the Odon Vallet scholarship for excellent students in 3 successive years 2008, 2009 and 2010 and a scholarship of Bee.net.vn in 2010. However, 7.5 for IELTS is the most significant 'prize' for me as it makes my dream more likely to come true.
Voluntary work brings much happiness to me. I have been a tutor at S.O.S children village, teaching English and Mathematics there. Knowing how hard it is to grow up without parents' help and guidance, I appreciate their efforts to overcome all the difficulties. Therefore, I have done everything I can to have their mental life somewhat compensated by holding Full Moon festivals or having parties on Christmas and New Year Days at the village. Just looking at their faces glowing with happiness makes me warm at heart!
I am a member of Quang Binh "Little Reporter" and I still write articles for newspapers like Quangbinhonline.com, or "Hanh trinh moi", most of which are about students around my age. Now I am a very active member of Funny hip hop dance club in my hometown. Moreover, as a Secretary of Youth Union of the class, I am the leader in almost every social activity that we took part in. The motto "United we stand, divided we fall" greatly inspires me because I consider solidarity the most important thing in teamwork. A Professional Communication course at RMIT will help me realize my dream of becoming a public relations specialist thanks to the vast knowledge and precious life skills gained from studying at the university. If accepted to RMIT, first, I will have more chances of doing voluntary work than in Quang Binh. Second, I will be able to join the RMIT dance club and make the moves with my team, quenching my thirst for my passion as well as to take part in other interesting clubs. Third, I want to prove that RMIT students can totally be excellent at study and dynamic in every activity. Fourth, I can fulfill my dream of opening a language center in my hometown to give free lessons to the lovely orphans in SOS children village and to popularize the importance of languages among Quang Binh residents. I have a strong belief in achieving my goals and I trust RMIT to make my dreams come true.
Dear Bui Nguyen Dan Chi,
You should cut the first paragraph as it looks like copied from the Internet.
Besides, the second paragraph is too long.
My love for Quang Binh is beyond the descriptive power of words. The streets, the lines of trees or the benches I sit on after long walks every night are so close to me. Besides, I receive the loving care from my relatives who have stood by my side for eighteen years, sharing with me both ups and downs. So, I have decided to come back to my hometown, trying my best to make it more beautiful and prosperous.
I used to dream of spending my college days in faraway Western countries. However, when it comes to making my decision where to go, I choose RMIT Vietnam thanks to a heart-touching post I read on Facebook named "How many times will you meet your parents?". If I study oversea, how many times I will meet my parents, I wonder.To be honest,my mom's heart trouble is getting worse plus high blood pressure as the result of the painstaking dedication to the family all her whole life. What if I couldn't come to her side in time when she is down and needs my helping hands? I am so scared of that! RMIT with an international environment will meet all what I need: a place which is just 45 minutes flying from Quang Binh, a place to "say goodbye to Vietnamese" when studying, eating and chatting, and a place where there areis a variety of books in the library. In Quang Binh, English books are rare as most people have no demand for them (a great number do not know what IELTS or TOEFL is!). Furthermore, it is not very often to see foreigners here, let alone speak to them. In RMIT, everything is vice versa. How can I miss a chance to study in such an ideal environment?
I was a member of Quang Binh "Little Reporter" Club during my secondary school days. Though I am not "little" anymore,and I still write articles for newspapers like Quangbinhonline.com, Quang Binh's newspaper orand "Hanh trinh moi", most of which are about students around my age. Now I am aalso very active member of Funny hip hop dance club in my hometown. Dancing, in my opinion, is also as dancing is a kind of sport whichit makes me healthier and more flexible. Moreover, as a Secretary of Youth Union of the class, I am the leader in almost every social activity that we take part in. The motto "United we stand, divided we fall" greatly inspires me as I consider solidarity the most important thing in ateamwork and pair work. Consequently, my class is always the leading flag in school activities.
I wish you look and happiness as I see you are really motivated person. Hope your mother will recover and you will get the needed scholarship.
Consequently, I do not have the chances to learning English that my peers enjoy in big cities.
Every time I see English lecturers on TV or read about English courses, I feel really upset and envious with those who can speak to foreigners and attend all those courses. ----No need to be upset! You write very well!!
Luckily, RMIT will meet all what I need: a place which is just 45 minutes flying from Quang Binh, a university to use only English when studying, eating and chatting, and a learning environment of international standards.---Beautiful. You are doing so well!! Honestly, you can come work in the United States in the future if you want to. Maybe you can move the whole family. I think you'll do well with this essay...
Capitalize all words in the name:
Funny Hip Hop Dance Club
Fourth, I can fulfill my dream of opening a language center in my hometown to give free lessons ---You are so impressive! I don't think you need any help from us, but I am so glad you are participating in EssayForum. Thanks for inspiring me today.
@ EF_Kevin: Thank you very much for your kind words! :) I've fixed my essay. You are such a dedicated person. Thanks for your reading!
I've checked the EssayForum Contributor Page and I hope that I can help others, just like you guys have helped me. :D. Helping is my pleasure! ^^
